A fellow SI members post that spoke to how her fWH is "providing" for her, but that something is still lacking caused me to firm up something I had on the back burner for a bit. Her husband is reportedly doing all the physical requirements associated with the act of "providing"...but somethig is still missing in their M.
Here is my thought on "providing" and what it means to be a "provider"...
As I examine my pre-A M to my wife....specifically things I figured I did in healthy manners....I settled on...."providing".
I provided my wife orgasms, financial stability, nice home and car, health care insurance, retirement funding, girls nights out, ability to be a SAHM (which also provided for our family), time to run and assisted with various household items (remodeling and maintenance items).
NOTE: My wife was a career woman during half of our M....so the above were joint efforts at times too.
Here is what I THINK I am realizing.
While I was adept at providing the physical needs....I was, am notably inept at providing for the emotional needs. There is a strong spiritual side to the act of "providing"....a fact that I really never realized.
That lack of realization combined with too much PRIDE in the physical side of providing left a void in me and my wife....providing is an intimacy BUILDER....if it is "balanced providing". Meaning both spiritual and physical in nature.
Thats about as far as I have gotten.....just one trek as I learn what it is to be a "man". I am learning it is far more than doing the opposite of what my Dad did....which was kind of my compass.
The only other deeply influencial male role model in my life was my Grandpa. He lived next door to us...past when I was 10. My memories of him are still vivid. I was as connected with him as any man....and I think that is because my Grandpa had "providing balance". He physically supported me but also fed me spiritually. I know this because throughout my life, when I was in a "spiritual delima" I would think about what Grandpa would do. Unfortunately, my limited time with my Grandap left many life situations with no direct parallel to what Grandpa would do. It mostly had to do with developing my work ethic.....example; I would want to just lean on the counter when I worked at an auto parts store while going to college. I would think of Grandpa and think he would sweep the floor or front the shelves...and many times I would not lean and start to sweep!
My Grandpa didnt so much talk to me to influence me....we did things together or I would just watch him. "More is caught than taught" is a new quote I like.
I think I caught some good qualities from my Grandpa.....just wish I had more time with him.
Anyway......this is my thought on providing.
I am not taking any credit for my wifes affair. I personally feel she could have been married to my Grandpa and still chose adultery as a way to cope with life....thats for her to figure out.
I am taking credit for what I think was an incomplete way of providing to my wife and family.
I am grateful to have an opportunity to learn to do better, now that I know a better way.
Ties back in nicely to the "intentional" way of doing life my wife and I are committing to. Radical honesty is a component of this new-to-us way of being M.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:10 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]