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Do I confront or wait?

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Loadsofchocolate posted 1/7/2014 08:09 AM

Wasn't really sure which topic to post this in as I had hoped we were reconciling but now I'm not so sure. WH had a 6 month online EA which I had suspicions about for months. He denied anything was happening the whole time until I managed to work out the password for his phone. Since DDay 1 I've had 6 months of TT. He's broken NC several times and I have had to snoop around only to discover it's all gone underground which has led to ddays 2, 3, 4, and 5. Dday 5 was a month ago where he answered all my questions and confessed that it had turned into a PA when they met up a few times.

After dday 5 he gave me his passwords, however this was 24 hours after I had asked for them no doubt giving him plenty of time to delete anything. i looked at his accounts once and have not looked since. He wrote OW a NC letter which I emailed. He made a specific point of asking her to not contact him again....she has contacted him 3 times so far on this account (it's an account i set up and only I have access to it). I still don't trust either of them and have been watching them both. I know that she is obsessed with him and a week ago she commented somewhere that she would like to marry him!!!

Since yesterday I just have this feeling, I can't describe it but I feel just like I did before dday 5. It's that feeling that something isn't quite right, all those little things that don't add up. This feeling has made me stop and think and it's made me realize that I no longer have access to any of his accounts. He bought a new computer at Christmas and it has a password which he hasn't given me. In effect I'm in exactly the same position as i was before dday 5 - no access to anything and having to snoop as best I can. I'm not even sure he has shown much remorse. I really don't know what to do now. Is it better to warn him what will happen if they do get back in touch and to get the password from him or should i just watch and wait in case they have already made contact? I made it perfectly clear on dday5 that if they get back in contact then our marriage is over. I have confronted too early before (dday4) when I had little evidence and he denied everything. This made him even more careful a few weeks later when it started again and I was then shocked at the level of secrecy he had gone to to cover up 2 months of contact before dday 5. I'm just so sick of this

confused615 posted 1/7/2014 08:17 AM

You told him if he broke NC again it would be over. Are you prepared to follow through with that?

Tell him when he comes home to give you all passwords RIGHT NOW. That you refuse to try to R without full transparency. You can not even begin to R unless he is transparent.

What is he doing to be a safe partner for you? Is he in IC? Did he get tested for STD's? Will he answer all of your questions without anger or blame?

You need to put a VAR in his car. If he is calling her on his way to work, the VAR will let you know.

Don't confront. He will lie. Tell him to hand over the passwords and if he refuses, you need to get your ducks in a row and toss his ass out.

One very important piece of advice I would like to give to every can not R without true remorse. And if you have to ask if your WS is truly remorseful..they're not.


lovedmesomehim posted 1/7/2014 08:25 AM

Hi Loadsofchocolate;

Your husband has to give you access to EVERYTHING.

Let me tell you that again. HE MUST GIVE YOU ACCESS TO EVEREETHING.

Ask yourself, why wouldn't he? What would he have to hide?

He is either ALL IN and willing to be transparent and truthful, or he is OUT.

You demand this. You 180 him. There is not enough room in a marriage for three folks. You cannot police a cheater enough for them to stop, because they will come up with ways to cheat...methods exist that you will not even be able to fathom.

You also cannot "mommy him" into non-cheating behavior. I believe you said that he isn't even acting very remorseful, to boot.

Right now, he is acting out and yessss, he is probably still in contact with this woman. If you were able to see messages from her in that other account, I will bet she has stopped using it.

Why? Because he is now using his shiny, new, Christmas computer.

You do not need to take this disrespect and flat-out abusive behavior from him. You have not been R and your gut has already told you this.

The first thing is NC. Get that computer info. Put your foot down and 180 this man. He is being ultra slick and deceptive.

I am so sorry honey. Keep posting and reading for information. You can do this. This forum is filled with clowns and there is information on how to deal with them.

I do know that others will be along to help guide you through this maze.


Skan posted 1/7/2014 14:33 PM

Sit him down tonight with the computer and tell him that it's time to give you the passwords and that you're going through the computer right that very second. What he does at that time will be very telling. If he does anything other than open it up, show you the passwords, and then pass it to you, it's game on.

Me personally, I'd put a hammer through the new computer if he didn't cough up those passwords. I, for one, will never be locked out of my FWHs electronic or social devices again. But then, I rather like my bitch boots.

confused615 posted 1/7/2014 14:39 PM

Be very firm. Not tomorrow. Not later tonight..but he is to give you those passwords right NOW. Like skan said, if does anything other than give them to you then GAME ON.

I, too, would destroy the computer. Fuck him. Why does he need a new,password protected computer?? he bought it for Christmas for himself, right after you caught him breaking NC AGAIN. Im sorry, but what other reason would he have for this computer? He isn't being secretive at all,IMO. He is flaunting it right in front of you.

Honey...he bought it because he is still in the affair. I'd bet my house on it.

Bitch boots. NOW.

Is OW married? Does her BH know about the affair and all the broken NC?

EvenKeel posted 1/7/2014 14:50 PM

I am so sorry. That is an awful place/bundle of feelings to have.

You already have your answer if when he bought the new computer, he did not make that password the same as the old.

I would not confront - his past history tells you he will do the same as last time.

However as others said, if you want validation of your gut; ask for the password immediately. His response will tell you all you need.

So sorry.

Edith posted 1/7/2014 15:42 PM

Hey there LOC,
Let me get this straight....after DD5 you obtained his passwords, then Santa Claus brought him a new computer, despite his having been a VERY bad boy? And then he proceeded to CHANGE THE PASSWORDS?!? Oh my goodness, this makes me so angry!

I would not even bother confronting him. I would serve him the papers and let OW marry him. Sounds like they deserve each other.

Apologies for being blunt, this just really made my blood boil for you. I am so terribly sorry you are going through this.


bent44 posted 1/7/2014 16:17 PM

First off, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation!

If you do choose to confront, please make sure you have your ducks in a row for whatever your response will be if you find something on the computer.

Will you leave? Will he leave? Are your finances in order? You know...a plan in place. And please make sure you have your bitch boots on and can follow through.

If you have a plan in place and choose to confront, I agree with everyone who says he has to open that damned computer stalling, no nothing. In my book, any refusal on his part is grounds for the same consequences as finding the mother load.

Sorry, I am a hard ass. And I learned it the hard being a soft ass for far too long.

Sending you peace.

Loadsofchocolate posted 1/7/2014 16:23 PM

Thank you all for your replies. My mind has been racing ever since I posted trying to examine the last month and trying to work out if there have been any signs I might have missed. I really thought I wouldn't have to do all this again.

Anyway I'll try and answer some of your questions. Firstly I would certainly be prepared to follow through with my threat of divorce this time. Last year was pure hell and I had several other major things to deal with on top of his affair. These other things are still ongoing and at times the emotional distress has been immense to the point of contemplating suicide on several occasions. I told him this on dday 5 so if he proceeds to start up the affair again knowing what effect it had on me there is no way I am staying with him. I have no idea how I will manage on my own as I'll be left with very little but it'll surely be better than a life constantly on edge.

In terms of making me feel safe he answered my questions on dday5 although I haven't asked him anything else since then. He gave me his passwords (which are now useless), he still keeps his phone with him (unlocked since dday1) or if left lying around it's switched off (I don't have the code to switch it back on). I had to tell him to delete OW from social networking sites, he hasn't done this voluntarily. I found a site he had not blocked her from on Christmas day (it's a shared account that I had no idea she was on and I promptly blocked her). He told me that if she tries to email him to his usual account it will go straight to the deleted folder. i checked earlier today and there is a blocking option which will mean he doesn't even receive the message. Surely if he was truly remorseful he would set it up to block her? He can easily move items from the deleted folder to his inbox. He is extremely good with technology so it's not like he wouldn't know about this.

WH doesn't drive and most of his contact with OW has been through messages so a VAR wouldn't help unfortunately.

He has filled out an application form for MC sessions for us but we haven't had a date for a first appointment yet. I was quite upset when he gave me the form to sign as the "reason for requesting MC" box was filled with "we have been in a loveless marriage for years and need help reconnecting" WTF!! He chatted online every night for years with other women completely ignoring me and then had an affair. I admit it was my fault for not saying anything to him but I wanted him to do things for me because he wanted to not because I nagged him. It has been difficult for me to be a loving devoted wife when I've been ignored for 8 years and was not even worthy of having my birthday acknowledged. He has told me (and i still think he blames me) that the reason for the affair was my lack of affection for him.

His old computer needed replacing however it does seem odd that he chose to do it within a couple of weeks of me being able to access his accounts. My problem is this - each time I confront him he gets wiser. He made a very small mistake that caught him out last time. He had set up a fake email account that he only used at work and that wasn't even used on his phone so I wouldn't be able to detect it. He has an account with one of those sites which you store all your passwords with so that once you login with your main password to the site it will automatically log you in everywhere else. His mistake was to have logged the fake account with this site. He never imagined I would demand the password for this site and when I did he spent over an hour trying to find reasons not to hand it over. He had to confess they had been in touch for 2 months as I wouldn't back down. He still didn't hand the password over till the following day. He won't make that mistake again. If they are in touch he will do it solely from work I'm sure of that. I'm concerned about the fact he hasn't given me the password to his new computer as he seems to be reverting back to how it was before. It's his body language, actions they don't seem right. I fear that if I show I'm concerned and they are in touch he will just lie low until he can try again. If I wait they usually slip up at some point.

OW is not married she has a boyfriend. She is seriously obsessed with WH and has sent me many abusive messages as "I am blocking their relationship"!!! I have never responded to her and have deleted most of my online accounts as no sooner do I block her she sets up a new account to harass me from. I even have concerns she has found me on here but I can't be certain. I don't know very much about her boyfriend but I believe she has told him that her and my WH are just very good friends.

Loadsofchocolate posted 1/7/2014 16:28 PM

Unfortunately I don't really have much of a plan in place if I do find anything. I think I'm going to have to make that a priority.

womaninflux posted 1/7/2014 16:37 PM

sounds like you need the recorder that looks like a USB. Slip into his gym bag or sew into his pants somehow.

Edith posted 1/7/2014 16:42 PM


I don't know very much about her boyfriend but I believe she has told him that her and my WH are just very good friends.

I would go into full-on stalker mode and find him, make sure he knows the extent of their "friendship..."

"we have been in a loveless marriage for years and need help reconnecting"

And this ^^^^^ seriously makes me so furious! It is a good thing this site is anonymous, or I would be going to jail for kicking him!!!

Please do not consider harming yourself over this man who has hurt you so terribly. He is so not worth it. Take care.


headdesk posted 1/7/2014 17:32 PM

Sweetie, I am so sorry. You are going to have to get that plan together pronto and protect the heck out of yourself, because he's just not done being a sob.

Then find yourself a pretty pair of bitch boots and kick him out the door.

YOU have the right to happiness and peace. YOU have the right to not have to be sherlocking your WH to death. YOU have the right to be treated well and with honesty. Believe these things. Enforce them.

jjct posted 1/7/2014 17:50 PM

In the situation as you describe it, my opinion is not to confront.
Yes, do get a plan in place to protect yourself.

Very few are able to confront solidly without a plan. Otherwise, it's just noise and shit.
You drew a line.
Was that just noise?

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