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struggling with indecision...

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MJane posted 1/7/2014 08:52 AM

I'm four months in from DDay and feel like I seesaw every week (or even day) between leaving and staying. The horrible stalking of the OW (constant calls, mails and texts) stopped yesterday for first time - she called H at work with number withheld and he told me he told her again to stop and he does not want to hear again from her. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this - I don't want to feel like a victim but this just makes me have such low self-esteem and I have such deep sadness. I don't know if I can ever trust him again and even if I do will I ever respect him again. I clearly still love him but am not sure that is enough. I hate that this is my life - it is so sordid and I can't look at him the same way. For those trying R how do you cope with this? He asks me what he can do to help me heal and I honestly am not sure...I wonder whether the reason I am not is that deep down I want to move on and maybe I should and find someone capable of monogamy and being a loving kind friend and lover...I think of the crazy easy woman he chose to throw our M away over and it makes me angry.

tushnurse posted 1/7/2014 09:41 AM


Sorry you are struggling. First of all let me just say that whatever you decide will be the right one for you. Don't let others make that choice for you. For some of us and A is truly a dealbreaker.

For some of us we were kind enough to offer the gift of R, to only be TT'd to a breaking point, or loosing our own self respect because our spouse doesn't do the real work of R, and continues to abuse us by taking it underground or not fixing the broken things within their own selves to heal and repair the marriage.

Few of us are lucky enough to be able to offer the gift of R, and in turn have a spouse that is willing to do the work needed to heal and have a healthy relationship. Many of us who do attempt R stumble a bit initially.

You don't have to make a decision today tomorrow, next week or next month. I understand what you are asking about how do you trust, and how do you love, and how do you repect again. All I can say is this:
When your spouse does the work to heal himself, and really truly gets the damage they have caused, and through time, and them proving themselves over and over you slowly begin to gain trust, and the love that never really went away becomes stronger, and you heal yourself. You become stronger, and your partner becomes stronger, and you realize this person is not the same one who had an A, and chose to break their vows, your heart, and the M. This person is doing anything and everything they can to heal the M, mend your heart, and has complete understanding of your damaged trust.

It takes hard work, and lots of it, over months and months and years to get there, but I can honestly say at 5+ years it is well worth the work.
I can also say if I didn't have a spouse that did the work, and didn't put forth the effort, or understood I would not still be married. I also know that I would be fine on my own.

((((and strength))))

Howie posted 1/7/2014 10:01 AM

Hello,MJane. I say anything with great tentativeness, persons and situations being so various. I can say I felt much that you express you felt, rage (why had she? no valid reason) at her, at myself for being trusting and at being a victim, for the extreme oscillations of wanting to forgive and wanting to divorce, vast regret that she should utterly destroy what was so precious to me-my high (idealized)regard for her.And these feelings in brutal cycles 20-30 times a day, well into the six month post discovery zone. Most days, I just hoped I would die to end the pain.
Yet time was the key.Because I still loved her, I couldn't resolve the confusions.It wasn't simple. And to her credit she was outwardly sorrowful and inwardly, I credited, trying to understand what she had never during her excursion, the damage.
Keys: she had every effort to answers my questions,and these were detailed, about events and her motivations.She bore my accusations and rage. And most crucially, she vowed not to lie or wander again.Where upon some would say-"you can't believe her." Once a cheater- etc. Not so.We all can hurt the ones we love. We are human that way. Basically decent people (which is not to say all cheaters are decent)can make terrible moral errors.And some people can really change and do better.
My case and some other cases of R (we had no children)came down to this:still loving her,I would do more damage to myself losing her than running the risk (and talking the hit) of trying again with her PROVIDED my gut feeling was right that she was ready to reform since not even my love for her was worth more lies and deception. I made the best decision-after 6 months, I could.(Four months,I'd say you are still in the raw zone.)Forgive me for going on about myself, its all I know. I sometimes still have flashbacks of great pain, but, for 15 years she has been a good friend and we have a successful partnership.
I wish you all strength in getting through this awful time.

MJane posted 1/7/2014 14:20 PM

Thank you both - I will definitely take the advice to give myself a break and know it might be too soon to make a decision but the very fact I feel in limbo is a torture sometimes. We can't turn back the clock and that is the hardest thing...

Howie posted 1/7/2014 16:03 PM

May I say, 'Tush nurse" (above)is excellent about aspects of reconciliation, especially one's fair expectation of what the guilty party should do.
A real regret is that the past can't be changed. I still ask myself "why?" (despite fulsome explanations). I was happy,I thought she was too. There's no denying the pain but the intellectual realizations are hard also: things have changed, they weren't what they were (what you thought they were),the person you most trusted has done you immense injury and valued you at a lie.
Put one way: I was just walking down the street and brutally mugged(I would have preferred that). Now that is fact about me.It happened.I survived. Why?
I was stronger than I knew. And Life, conveyed by time, was a lot bigger than this crime. I wont predict or guess how you will work things out. But I am certain your life will be lived more richly and more beautifully than this event can

StillLivin posted 1/7/2014 17:20 PM

tushnurse gave the best I'm just offering hugs.
I was confused too for about a month. It takes time to decide. Take care of you and get rest. Sooner or later, events and his actions will give you your answer.

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