But while I had a circle drawn around the two of us, he had a circle around himself that merely intersected with me
My wife, about 6 months into MC said the following in one of our sessions.
"Its hard to explain, but its like I am in my own circle. Blakesteele comes into my circle and we interact....but then he leaves my circle. I stay comfortably in the middle of my circle."
Her analogy is pretty accurate really.
So I totally get what you are relating to in this post!!!!
To be sure...I differ somewhat on the slight "selfish" angle you mention.....I am still working on this....but dont think it is selfish in the traditional way.
Selfish, in the traditional way to me is like saying "Yeah, well too bad I am going to do this anyway." Yes, my wife is quite capable of doing this and did so after my DD. So I am not excusing the affair at all or my wifes ability to be selfish.
Selfish in this circle analogy might feel more like "Oh, thats cool I'm married and like when blakesteele visits." I dont think my wife was intentionally refraining from "visiting me"....more like a habit she adopted well before she met me. A FOO coping mechanism dating back to childhood.
Children are selfish by nature.....but they are not spoiled by nature.
I dont know....maybe I am lost in spoiled vs selfish?
That primary allegiance to oneself....I guess that is selfish. (My wife, before and during our dating period, said she always wanted children but never thought she needed to be married, have a man around.) Or is that more of a self-protection based on some very wacked assumptions....given the husband-wife relationship she saw modeled for her.
What I have learned from my own journey is that a person must NOT loose track of who they are as an individual to remain healthy.
I think I lost myself too much as an individual within my M....my wife embraced her self as an individual too tightly.....both of us hurting our joint goal of creating a one-ness and a healthy family by doing so. The extreme trial of the affair pushed us both to our far corners of how we coped with life for decades....
Regardless....wonderful post and shows real forward progress.
Way to go Catlover50 and Mr. Catlover50!!!
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:43 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]