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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: Not quite sure what this is about
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some friends who have gone through infidelity in their own relationships. Years later, they have weathered the storm and are seemingly happy. They have their ups and downs but they get the marriage is “hard” but it’s a commitment platitudes.

And I feel like I failed at marriage. Here I was thinking that life is hard and going through that with someone else can be challenging but your partner shouldn’t be the source of pain.

Am I naďve and not marriage material? Do I cut and run too soon and deprive myself the joys of commitment?

I know many of you are in the same boat, many didn’t even get a chance to save their marriages. I completely understand and pass no judgments. Yet I can’t quit judging myself. I worry as happy as I am in my current relationship, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave if it got even half as bad as the last one.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully, these feelings will pass, Cresc. Does anyone belong in a marriage? Is anyone marriage material? I see couples all the time who, to my opinion, should not be married--constant fighting, sniping, even out and out cruelty--but something keeps them together. From conversations with some, it's just fear of the unknown--is that any kind of marriage?

I could have stayed married to the X; he didn't want a D. For some reason he thought it was ok to have a wife AND a girlfriend. My life would have been easier financially; I would have had the retirement I worked so hard for. But I couldn't do that to myself.

I also beat myself up a little over the vows--in sickness and in health. He was obviously not mentally well--he was depressed. THEN I beat myself up because my next thought was, "At least I don't have to play nurse to him when he gets old. Sheesh; I guess I am a bitch."

But, in the end, I did what I had to do. It's not necessarily what others would do. Hell, read some of the back stories of members who are completely reconciled; in my mind, there is no way I could have taken the wayward back after those circumstances, but that's me. It's your personal choice, it's served you well, and you should own it. You're good.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20432 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different things are deal breakers for some and not others. There are things we could live with that others couldn't.
R takes hard work on BOTH parties. I think that when we chose to walk it is because innately we get that our partner will never "get it" and, therefore, never put in the work required for true R.
You have to be true to yourself.
I thought we were Ring. It wasn't until I found SI and realized the amount of rugsweeping I was allowing him to do. No timeline, not willing to discuss specifics about her or the A, etc. I gave him my list of what I needed and he ran like the coward he is. I've not wavered, not once. At times I wanted to go back to what I thought was happy so bad. I've cried, howled, sobbed until my whole body was sore. But just the fact that he wouldn't do ANYTHING that I needed for true healing was my deal breaker.
Another might give their WS chance after chance. Each persons point of no return is different.
He did not treat me right and I still didn't cheat. His failure. Period.
I think you didn't fail, he did.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I desperately wanted my marriage to work. But it looks like my WH can't be bothered. It's taken me a long time to admit that to myself. Some people want the easy life, the no effort choices. let others do the hard work. I think my WH is one of those and,looking at school reports,always has been. He could change if he wanted to, but can't be bothered to do the work. And he's willing to lose me, lose our children, because of it.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, you can't do it on your own. Maybe you just realised that your WS just isn't going to work on it, long term? That's not failure, that's being realistic and emotionally healthy. Something it's taken me a while to grasp.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1097 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many people make marriage harder than it has to be sometimes. There are three things a partner can always say that can make a marriage much better I believe. And I think these things can go a long way. The key is to find another person who also believes in these things too:

1) "Thank you for doing that."
2) "I really appreciate that."
3) "What can I do to help you?"

I believe all three show respect. I don't think it's not that you're the non-marrying type, it's just that you went through a horrible time with it like many of us did. It takes a long time to shake those dark feelings of unworthiness.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
finallymefirst
♀ 41060
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in denial for many,many many years after the first time my exh cheated. I have only recently realized that cheating is a DEAL BREAKER for me. I stayed in the bargaining stage of grief for a very long time. I kept saying if he showed true remorse, if he was nicer, if he didn't give up then we could have worked it out, but I was lying to myself. The bottom line is that cheating on me is a deal breaker I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who willing hurts me in that way. I'm not built for it.

We parallel parent my dd15. I don't want to be his friend or any part of his life. My struggle has been jealousy and wanting to be the "happy" divorced couple who managed to co-parent and be friendly towards each other. I have accepted that I am not capable of being his friend or even friendly. I can be civil.

Don't be too hard on yourself Crescita. ((((Crescita)))


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
jadasae
♀ 37891
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me 8 years to realise that a) he hadn't changed b) he wouldn't change and c) not the A but the lying about it for 12 months was a deal breaker for me. I would never trust him again or feel safe in the relationship - meanwhile from the outside everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Just because people have stayed together doesn't mean they are happy, just that they have stayed...


Me; BW
Him; sadly passed away now...
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. You all raise very good points.

I just realized I'm already breaking my New Year's resolution to live more in the moment. The inclination to obsess about the past and project it into the future is a very hard habit to break.

I made what I felt was the best decision and don't need to go down the rabbit hole of hypothetical alternate realities to predict the future.

I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who willing hurts me in that way. I'm not built for it.

Exactly!


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
jemimapd
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder about this, too. I guess I could have stuck it out but it would have been a lonely life at the mercy of my ex's financial shenanigans. We had issues other than the affairs. Basically he treated me like the housekeeper/cook/secretary. There was no emotional intimacy.

I think there are a lot of people who stay out of financial reasons. Others from fear of loneliness. It is a lifestyle choice.

I also know of women who are very happy widows! One woman I know spent a fortune changing everything about her house/furniture within weeks of her husband dying.

For me, I feel I made the authentic choice.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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