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Last night was the monthly blowout again.

He lied and said he was mad last time because I smart mouthed him about moving some items out of the way for a contractor. Doesn't he have a right to be angry when his wife is drunk and snotty to him?

He threw out the cancer card again. Says he's just trying to survive and if I don't care enough to cook a decent meal he will eat somewhere on the way home. I told him do whatever you want.

He offered to move out. Threw everything he could out there to... IDK, get some kind of reaction out of me.

Word salad. The same old circular conversation we always have.

I very calmly told him that all I see when I look at him anymore is the angry guy who yells at me.

He will defend until his death the right to yell at me for whatever I've done, real or imagined.

I'm not going to cry and beg him to be different. I really don't care anymore. When I mentioned how expensive it would be for us to split up, he backpedaled and decided we should work it out.

I brought up the time he screamed,"She's my only daughter!" in reference to his daughter from a previous marriage. Of course, that's over and done with and he only said it because he was angry and I should be over it by now.

Anyway, my son was asking me what the deal was last night. There wasn't any yelling and screaming for a change, but we did talk for some time. I told him he's making shit up about what happened on the last blowout and they know it didn't go down the way he says.

I started crying and told them he offered to move out and I've been holding on so long because our standard of living will decrease dramatically if it all blows up. That it will be very ugly if it does. That I don't know what to do and I'm sorry for letting them down and it's getting very hard to live with the crazy.

I am so confused. Sometimes, I believe he is trying to drive me crazy.

I want to just cut my losses and go on.

But I don't want him to have our daughter, and I know he will fight for custody and it will be dirty and nasty and full of lies.

I know I shouldn't have broke down in front of the kids. I want to do what's best for them. I don't want to completely blow up their world.

I don't love my husband anymore. I know in my heart that it will never be right.

I told him it's okay if I'm not the one he really wants. It doesn't hurt anymore. I didn't tell him it doesn't hurt because I have nothing emotionally invested in him anymore but that's where it is.

I would be a fool to hang on and hope for something different. I've been detached for a while because it's the only sensible thing to do.

Some of you would probably tell me he has a plan B now. I don't think so. I believe he's just trying to threaten me or hurt me or get some kind of reaction out of me.

I'm so tired.

Thanks for listening.

((((LIARD)))))

Take it easy on yourself. It is not the end of the world that you broke down in front of the kids. When it's over, it's over. Don't bet yourself up because of his lousy choices. Live for yourself and your kids. That's what you're doing now, except you have a giant angry cheater walking around screwing you up worse.

The consequences of his cheating, including divorce, are all on him, not you. He's the problem here. He made choices. Don't own that.

He backpedaled on moving out.

I'm so damned tired I'm thinking of revisiting that topic again.

I told him this morning that I was really thinking about a lot of the things he said last night and that a whole bunch of it doesn't really fit, but I'll figure it out.

Since he has been so unhappy with me for so long and never hesitates to scream out the latest laundry list of all the things I've done to him in the ugliest way perhaps it's time to make him put his money where his mouth is.

I'm sick of this.

I deserve better and so do my kids.(Remember? He only has one daughter! )

I will never be able to love him again like I used to. I cringe at the thought of touching him, or him touching me. He's not unattractive I've just had it with all his meanness and craziness.

I don't even like him anymore.

I guess I'm going to have to put it out there and finally say it. I told him a lot last night, but not the depths of how I don't love him anymore.

It's time for both of us to move on.

What a waste of 15 years.

Damn.

((((((((loveisaredress)))))))))

What sucks is livening with someone hellbent on discarding you so much, that the only reason to stay with them is financial. Is the day to day living worth the the price you're paying?

Only you can answer it, at some point it won't be-start planning now.

Hugs,

K

Maybe since he only has one daughter there won't be a custody battle.

I can dream can't I?

When I read what you wrote I thought: is it worth being in a dangerous job if the pay is good?

I've always been keen on people reconciling, I feel if there's a will on both sides there's a way. Is there a will on both sides? Are you "DONE"? Or is this situation temporary and when you step back you do see improvement? Either way my question stands. For people who reconciled, it was a temporary job which paid off. For some people it's just too dangerous and not worth loosing their life for. Do you feel staying with him is worth the wait, the pay off in the future? or do you feel it's not? Only you can answer that.

Hope that helps. We're here for you.