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RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 11:11 AM

My husband and I have been together 8 years and married for 6. For the most part he has been my best friend my champion and lover. Four years ago my husband got plastered and had sex with one of my friends, they then had a two week long emotional affair that resulted in one more drunkin night with sex. After the second time he came clean told me everything I wanted to know. I was destroyed and tried to kill myself. But after some counseling and a lot of trying to just forget we moved on. We had another child, took amazing vacations, talked everyday about our problems. This last year we went back to hanging out with other people going to parties having parties and everything seemed perfect. I had honestly never been happier. New year's eve we had a small party at our home. Everyone was taking shots and playing beer pong, I got sick from a shot and decided to go to bed. Around 2:30 everyone started to clear out, the only person left was my best friend of 8 years who was waiting on a cab. When I say my best friend I mean almost my sister. The person who watched me have my kids, let me cry myself to sleep on her lap when I was sad, the girl who sleep in my bed for two weeks while my husband was away so I wouldn't be alone. From what I was told and neither she nor he can tell me why after everyone was gone and they were waiting she decided to kiss him, and he didn't pull away. Now I will save you all the horrible details that I do know but they had oral and physical sex. The next morning when I woke up and my husband got out of bed I noticed his boxers were on inside out.I asked about it and had a funny feeling and said he never noticed that he got dressed in the dark the morning before. It was possible but I didn't believe it. So I asked again if anything happen the night before and he said no. I left it alone until later when my best friend started acting weird with me so I asked her and she broke down and told. I called my husband at work and told him I knew and if he didn't come home right then and tell me himself e of I was leaving. He did. Everyday since then he has apologized, begs for my forgiveness. I haven't been sleeping or batting and some how through this stress I'm hurt my neck and am now in more pain. I cry a lot and have no energy for life. The only reason I get up any more is for my three kids. I've caught my husband crying in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm sleeping but I don't say anything. He's hidden all medicine because he's scared ill hurt myself. He's almost as big of a mess as me but sometimes I don't care. He says he doesn't know why and he has honestly never been attracted to her, which I believe she's really not his type. But what do I do now.

momentintime posted 1/7/2014 11:28 AM

First you take of yourself, eat, get some rest, get meds if needed.

Secondly, you take your time and decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

Thirdly, you work hard to find your new normal with or without him. Counseling, getting out (gym, bookstore, library, shopping, whatever to ease your mind from all the stress and give you a break). Engage with your kids, find fun things to do so you aren't always down. Keep busy and reflect on this only when you feel you can deal with it.

All hard work, but you can do it, you are worth the effort.

Mostly just breathe.

unfound posted 1/7/2014 11:50 AM

Welcome to SI RyanCL .

It sounds like nothing was really resolved or reconciled after the first affair/s:

after some counseling and a lot of trying to just forget we moved on.

Your H needs to figure out not only why he allowed himself to have another affair,as well as supporting you through this.

right now, taking care of yourself is priority. If you feel you might hurt yourself, go see a Dr or counselor or call a hotline if you find yourself in crisis mode. He'll have to step up and take over/help out with the kids for now.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Get your feet back underneath you and watch his actions, not his begging. Is he willing to go to IC to get his issues dealt wtih?

Keep reading and posting. We're all here for you.

tushnurse posted 1/7/2014 11:52 AM

Welcome ryan - I am sorry you find yourself in need of this site, but glad you found us.

You will find this is a very safe place full of wonderful people who have been there, done that.

You also need to know that no matter what you H has done, you will survive it. No matter what he says it's nothing you did or didn't do that made him choose this.

You unfortunately have felt this pain before, so you have some understanding of how this can go. But you need to stop putting him first. It's time to make you the number on priority. Your happiness has to come first. Your health has to come first, and your sanity has to come first.

If you can't sleep, eat, or stay hydrated get to your Dr and get some meds. There is no shame in getting a little pharmaceutical support to get through this. You also need to be STD tested. If you H has two known indiscretions with friends, god only knows what else he has done. Make him get tested too.

He is fundamentally broken, and finds this need for attention, he absolutely has to figure out his why's, and I was drunk is not his why.

Up on the left side of your screen is the healing library please go read in there. It will help you gain some perspective, and strength.
You need to pull yourself up, and take care of you and those kids. As far as him being concerned about you hurting yourself you need to tell him, and you need to believe that he isn't worth your kids growing up without a mom. You are much stronger than that.

keep reading, keep posting. Get help if you need it. Stay strong and focus on you, when you feel like you have gained some strength back, then you can tell him what he needs to do to heal himself.

(((and strength))))

RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 12:41 PM

I know I need to put me first I just don't know how. I'm so hurt and so upset but can't find away to force that outward. He seems to be being so honest when he tells me what has happened and I'm not a fool so I always think he has to have done more. The only issue with that is since the very first time he's been so open. Changed all his passwords so they are the same as mine, leaves his phone at home when his just running to the store. Even encourages me to look through it whenever I want. He also stopped going out without me after the first incident. And I mean wouldn't go watch a football game with friend less I came. He's always home if he's not at work and calls through out the day just to say hi. He really became more intent on making me his focus after he hurt me. So am I a fool am I missing something. Or is my husband just a idiot when plastered? He wants counseling and not just for me or us but for him. He says he needs to figure out why he's so hell bent on destroying everything he holds dear. Are these just lies to keep me or is it true. As for me hurting me the first time I was so young and wasn't thinking. Now I know the only thing that matters is our kids getting the best chance at having the best life wether that be us together or not. I'm just so confused