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phoenixrise posted 1/7/2014 12:05 PM

Approached my WH on issues I was having problems with on texting ow before his A and he got all bent out of shape...the whole how many times do I have to tell you...nothing else happened thing. I told him I just wanted the truth even if he had slept with other women that I was willing to forgive but I needed the truth. When I went in to hug him to tell him I would still be here no matter what he shouts get the fuck off of me I dont feel like dealing with any of this right now!" Seriously...wow talk about 100 steps back...I just dont know what to do but give him space I feel like it should be reversed anyone else's WS come off like this when frustrated?

Morhurt posted 1/7/2014 12:17 PM

Judging by your join date I'm guessing this is pretty new (?). He's being an ass to be honest and he needs to change that attitude big time.

In a way my H was never in the "fog", he wasn't considering leaving me or attached to the OW but in another way there was a fog. His fog was his inability to lower his defenses and think about me. It took him a while to completely drop that crap and be able to listen to me empathetically, to understand what I was saying, to really accept my pain.

Basically the A is all selfishness and this behaviour is continued selfishness. I believe that by telling him you will forgive him if he's honest etc is feeding into his feelings of his own importance and increasing his selfishness. I never did the 180 but the night I told my H to sleep on the couch, that I needed to be away from him, that was an eye opener for him (many need much a stronger eye opener).

As many people on here say, you can't nice a WS back. If he won't talk and gets angry when you try to hug him... tell him to go screw himself.

Are you both in IC? I feel so much stronger than I ever have in my life (aside form the A crap) thanks to my IC work.

Sorry for so much rambling....

phoenixrise posted 1/7/2014 12:31 PM

Im 4 mos out I agree he is king of selfish I am queen of selfless obviously. It angers me what his reaction was but I bet it didn't help I approached him when he came back from work. He seriously has empathy problems I honestly feel like leaving the house because I didn't deserve that treatment! I feel I cannot bring anything up or he gets this way its a huge roadblock we are in mc and u bet your ass I will bring it up...I feel lost and invisible again

doggiediva posted 1/7/2014 12:56 PM

He needs to leave the house, not you..

tushnurse posted 1/7/2014 13:06 PM

Honey that behavior is not one of a Remorseful spouse, or one that gets the pain they have caused.
I would actually not worry so much about MC, and focus more on IC right now. You HAVE to break that codependent cycle. You HAVE to find your own strength, and your own voice. Your spouse should never ever never speak to you like that. What incredible disrespect.

Telling him you will be there no matter what allows him to continue behaving like an ass. What you need to say the next time he says fuck you, is to say no fuck you, you broke us, and you are doing nothing to fix us. I will not allow you disrespect me anymore. I will not be made to feel bad for being upset over your actions. You caused this. NOT me.

Stop the cycle take back your power. He is manipulating you and abusing you. You can change that. Demand the respect you deserve.

(((and strength)))

blakesteele posted 1/7/2014 13:06 PM

Yeah, that happened....but it was 17 months ago and I was doing some pretty ignorant co-dependent things....so it was a shitty time all around.

Just realize feelings, strong feelings are in-play right now.

It does seem like you might be right on the heals of DD....might suggest you go to the Just Found Out forum.....might help you see that you are not unique....wont make the pain less, but will make you feel less crazy.

God be with us all.

million tears posted 1/7/2014 13:16 PM

This is abuse IMO. He needs to deal with it because he caused it.

Brandon808 posted 1/7/2014 13:21 PM

It angers me what his reaction was but I bet it didn't help I approached him when he came back from work.

headdesk posted 1/7/2014 14:21 PM

Unbelievable. This is NOT a man in R. This is a man in his own land where he feels that you should be bowing and scraping to him.

Now gently...he's getting exactly that. You're giving him all the power here. If he's getting exactly what he wants, what is his motivation to change? Why would he have any reason to change?

So take back your power hun. Insist on being treated well. Stop feeding him ego kibbles.

I say this because at points in my life I did exactly this - put up with too much and not expect enough. That is frankly what led us here.

Hugs. He's an ass. Believe that at a real gut level. There is no poor him...understanding, fine, but not POOR him. He's a big boy, treat him accordingly. He knew this stuff is wrong. He's just refusing to take ownership of that, so guess who he's pointing the finger at?

Rebreather posted 1/7/2014 14:25 PM

See how I'm still married? Right, so no, that has never happened.

RidingHealingRd posted 1/7/2014 14:34 PM

Never, never would I stand for that. I agree with you, if anything it should be the reverse.

I am a firm believer that you get what you allow...don't allow this. Nip that in the bud or he will continue. That outburst/behavior is not the reaction of a remorseful WS.

When I went in to hug him to tell him I would still be here no matter

Personally I would not do this ^ until he has spent an abundance of time showing you that he is deeply remorseful and willing to do everything possible to help you heal and rebuild the M.

IMO the WS must want R more than the BS.

I agree 100% with tushnurse:

Stop the cycle take back your power. He is manipulating you and abusing you. You can change that. Demand the respect you deserve.

Jewlz posted 1/7/2014 14:42 PM

I feel like he was being manipulative. Yes, he may have been cranky just coming home from work, he may be frustrated because us BSs need lots of reassurance, but too bad. You didn't deserve this kind of verbal and physical response, AT ALL. I think he manipulated the situation to avoid talking about something he's not ready to talk about. Used this reaction to take the focus off of the issue you wanted to bring up. Now, you are worried about pissing him off instead of your feelings about the texts before the A.

My fWH and I were in our first MC session just last night and I was a bit surprised that he started complaining about me asking the same questions over and over and him answering the same things over and over, because I completely disagreed. I haven't felt like I have asked the same things over and over at all and so I thought that was odd. It gives me the feeling that he is uncomfortable answering because it's not the complete truth. If he was answering in complete truth, I would think he'd feel comfortable answering 5 or 100 times with no problem. I could be looking into it too much but I do think that our WSs did something very traumatizing to our lives and if we want to talk, yes, they should not be coming at us with abuse like that.

I believe I have some co-dependancy issues in my relationship and your posts sound a lot like mine! Just sayin,

Really, listen to Tushnurse!!!

[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:43 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

phoenixrise posted 1/7/2014 16:39 PM

Thanks for all the advice yes I am so sick of myself and my conformant nature...I think selfish men are attracted to that and can smell it a mile away. I too think its abusive and now I am sure about it. I know Ill most likely get an apology later something like I'm sorry I just get frustrated but it doesn't make it right. I like what jewlz said...I can so relate in fact the counselor keeps telling him he's going to have to answer over and over along with taking the anger from me his reply was "there's only so much of an ass kicking a person can take" and honestly I have given him a beyond hellish time throughout all of this. He deserved every minute I am just unsure he is strong enough to be my rock and support...seems like the opposite at times...other than today he is trying hard in every way through his actions except this one major time which is disappointing

I think I can posted 1/7/2014 17:52 PM

Not quite, but something like that. More annoyed than angry though.

My response:--too fucking bad, cause we are talking about it!

tushnurse posted 1/7/2014 18:15 PM

gently honey, I am guessing you saw what he is really feeling with the FU. Keep your eyes open, and remember actions are much louder than words.

I my R every time he got angry, or frustrated he had broken NC. EVERY TIME. He would tow the line, be all sweet and caring, and supportive, and then he would snap. EVERY. TIME.

cl131716 posted 1/7/2014 18:39 PM

Not exactly, he does get pissy at times and says things like "We keep going over and over this! I'm done!" Coming from a man who tells me he will do whatever it takes. Yeah, not a good sign of remorse.

singleat57 posted 1/7/2014 19:01 PM

My EXH and I were married for 25 years. He's Filipino and I'm American. He has family there so he went back to visit 3 times in 18 months. We he came back Feb 2013, he totally quit talking to me. Told me he was sick. It was the first time in 25 years I didn't get flowers for VT day. I knew something was up. He kept hiding his phone. Finally I took his phone and found her picture with over 200 text messages. He was sending her money. When I confronted him I was told to Fuck OFF. He said we didn't have anything between us! Told me it was all my fault, because of lack of sex. I just went thru menopause. Told me we were nothing more than room mates and I needed to still pay my share of the bills. He angered me so bad that I eventually chased him out of the house with a shovel. The next day we both went to Attorneys. When he found out I would get half his 401k and assets, then he begged me back. Like a fool I forgave him...the next day he's still calling the OW. I found over 30,000 dollars missing from the bank. I found about 2,000 text messages and 500 phone calls. I continued with the divorce. Which was finally 9/16/13.
To this day...I've never got closure. every time I ask He say's "not this again." Anyway, After the Divorce, I rarely have any contact with him. Some of our friends told me he's going to Philippines this Feb. WHY does this still bother me?

fourever posted 1/7/2014 21:07 PM

Phoenixrise,

He gets no pass on this. I haven't read your story, but my gut says he's still up to it, or he's not yet feeling/or caring about your pain. It's still all about him. Um, NOPE!
He will deal with it when you want to deal with it, day or night, 24/7. Sucks for him.

Pull your Bitch Boots way up, take a deep breath and throw him out to the curb for a bit or longer if necessary, now. This is not what Rec looks like, not on the worst day.

Time to get in gear, begin taking care of you and getting your ducks in a row, just in case. Nothing removes a head from deep within an ass more quickly than a swift dose of reality.

You came to the experts, listen to them.

In my case, it saved a good, 25 year marriage, from a 4 yr A w someone who desperately wanted my husband, home & status for that long, and found her perfect moment to break in.

Be nice later.

Dare2Trust posted 1/8/2014 00:23 AM

Phoenixrise,

I don't mean to pile on -- But, I want to strongly suggest that you use your Counseling TIME and Counseling MONEY for Individual counseling/therapy for yourself.

There's no way you should put up with a husband saying "FUCK YOU....." regarding anything!

Your husband made this INFIDELITY MESS...and it's his job to help you heal; and your healing needs to take place with lots of empathy, love, caring, and above all: RESPECT!

Please STOP telling this man that you "will be there no matter what." You may not really mean that; because it often takes a long time for many of us Betrayed Spouses to learn the WHOLE TRUTH about our cheating spouses' affair betrayal.
REMEMBER - you learned most of your husband's "affair information" from the OW, not your husband.

I'd also suggest your husband needs some serious Individual Counseling, himself.
His behaviors/actions towards you are verbally and emotionally ABUSIVE - and you do not deserve abuse on any level.

I'm sincerely sorry for the ongoing pain, frustration, and anger you are continually dealing with. It appears - you are working on "reconciliation" by yourself in this marriage from your posts. Your husband made this MESS; and he needs to start FIXING everything he's broken!

BrokenJohnny posted 1/8/2014 08:27 AM

My fiancee has been doing the same. When I talk about my pain I have gotten a lot of "I don't care" "How will you get past it if you keep bringing it up?" "I don't want you if this is what it's going to be like". She is a recovering alcoholic. She stopped drinking the day after D-day, and has absolutely no coping skills. She is now in a mental health facility after a recent "suicide attempt" (cry for help) and has been diagnosed bipolar. She is now receiving medication to treat it, so I am hopeful. We have a double whammy. I find it hard to walk this line between needing her to nurse my recovery and her needing me to nurse hers. I tell her that I will be here no matter what because I know she needs unconditional love and acceptance that she has never received from family or anyone in her life. At the same time I can not be disrespected this way. So in reality if it continues I will need to walk away and 180 at some point. I can only push her so hard with the limited resources she has, but I need her to do her part for reconciliation too. So hard to know how to handle this. I have bought her a book, and I suggest you get it for your husband. It has been very helpful for her to see what she needs to be doing here. It's called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" The full version can be read online in PDF form here: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf
I have to give her a little time to get her head together before she can handle this, but ultimately I know that I must insist that she do everything this book outlines, or there will be no possibility of reconciliation and I will have to leave her. I suggest you do the same with your WH. Best of luck and I know your deeper pain of being kicked while you are already enduring what is probably the worst emotional pain of your life.