My BS is wearing me down. I am compassionate to her and her pain. Listening to her, asking questions of her, seeking her out, not running from her. Serving and caring for her. Apologising.
All of my actions of true love and contrition get twisted and turned in her thinking and are spat back at me.
I know I have to be consistent.
I gently ask if she is following her IC and MC advise. 'NO, and why should I, its all your fault, why should I have to do any of this when you were the one who had the A'.
Is this a phase of the recovery journey for her?
My advice is to hang in there as much as possible and ask her what she needs, rather than making suggestions about what you thing she might need. I suspect that she might want you to feel some of the pain she feels. Be more empathetic, rather then sympathetic, if you can. Follow her cues as much as possible. The anger will subside eventually. If it does not, then this might be a deal-breaker for her.
Rage and fear walk hand in hand in these instances. Think about it. If one was completely confident of their own self-worth and disengaged from the WS, then there would be some anger but mostly indifference. My anger came from my feelings of inadequacy coupled with his betrayal. And it's necessary to get out. Left inside, it will fester and kill. It has to be excised and expressed.
Doesn't mean that you should accept abuse. But expressing the anger is actually a healthy step. Just be there for her. Ask questions like, what can I do for you. What do you need from me right now. Open ended questions that might be able to get through. And just keep being there.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
And its scary, When this happens I get desperate feeling, my need to make better goes into to high gear, but that's me.
Skan thanks for the suggestion, when I have tried this even last night , it goes back to what I needed you to be was.......
There is nothing I can do right now, and he believes any anger is abusive so tries to keep hidden from me. Ha not working. Everyone talks about BS having radar of the unsaid or bullcrap. Well I think as a WW I know it too, I can feel like walking on eggshells.
Either way its scary. and everytime its seems to be a lose lose battle for each of us.
I wish Icould help you more Toasted, just know I understand.
My BH is cold when I first see him and then over a bit he'll soften just a little. But if we try to talk, all I can do is sit there, head hung to the floor and say "I'm sorry". Anything else just causes a fight. Even if I try to answer his questions it seems to cause him to become irate. But I do, as best as possible. He doesn't always like the answers.
Patience is I think all we can do at this point. I'm not sure. Thanks for the advice Skan and hopingforhappy. Prayers for us all.