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Staying compassionate while Flak is flying

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toasted22 posted 1/7/2014 12:10 PM

How do you handle anger being thrown at you from your BS?

My BS is wearing me down. I am compassionate to her and her pain. Listening to her, asking questions of her, seeking her out, not running from her. Serving and caring for her. Apologising.

All of my actions of true love and contrition get twisted and turned in her thinking and are spat back at me.

I know I have to be consistent.

I gently ask if she is following her IC and MC advise. 'NO, and why should I, its all your fault, why should I have to do any of this when you were the one who had the A'.

Is this a phase of the recovery journey for her?

hopingforhappy posted 1/7/2014 13:21 PM

Your BS sounds like she is in the angry phase--which is definitely part of the journey. I can tell you that whenever my BH tried to tell me something about how I should be healing (and asking, no matter how gently, whether she is following IC and MC advice, comes across as telling her what she "should be" doing), it flew all over me. He created this mess and now he is trying to tell me what I should be doing to fix it? As far as I was concerned, it was not helpful, it was more like rubbing salt in the wounds. Not logical, I know, but that is how I felt. I know that my FWH is a fixer and just wanted to help, but it did not help.

My advice is to hang in there as much as possible and ask her what she needs, rather than making suggestions about what you thing she might need. I suspect that she might want you to feel some of the pain she feels. Be more empathetic, rather then sympathetic, if you can. Follow her cues as much as possible. The anger will subside eventually. If it does not, then this might be a deal-breaker for her.

toasted22 posted 1/8/2014 03:03 AM

Thanks for that. I dont try and advise, just want to be there.

Skan posted 1/8/2014 14:21 PM

I can tell you that when I was in my rage stage (angry just doesn't do it justice), anything, any little thing that my FWH said, was like a log soaked in gasoline thrown onto the bonfire. Anything. I honestly think that I was borderline insane then. He learned that the best thing to do (in my case) was to not engage, just sort of be like a rock with the waves crashing over him there watching over me. There were times that I tried to self-harm myself because, you see, a large part of that anger is hatred not only at the WS, but at yourself, the BS. Underlying the abuse heaped on you, is the self-hatred that your BS feels for staying, for thinking of going, for being stupid, for being ugly, for being unlovable, for being not worth it, etc.

Rage and fear walk hand in hand in these instances. Think about it. If one was completely confident of their own self-worth and disengaged from the WS, then there would be some anger but mostly indifference. My anger came from my feelings of inadequacy coupled with his betrayal. And it's necessary to get out. Left inside, it will fester and kill. It has to be excised and expressed.

Doesn't mean that you should accept abuse. But expressing the anger is actually a healthy step. Just be there for her. Ask questions like, what can I do for you. What do you need from me right now. Open ended questions that might be able to get through. And just keep being there.

Joanh posted 1/8/2014 15:44 PM

This is a place where myBH is as well, and it can leave you feeling helpless. Nothing you say or do or not say or do, is Wrong.

And its scary, When this happens I get desperate feeling, my need to make better goes into to high gear, but that's me.

Skan thanks for the suggestion, when I have tried this even last night , it goes back to what I needed you to be was.......

There is nothing I can do right now, and he believes any anger is abusive so tries to keep hidden from me. Ha not working. Everyone talks about BS having radar of the unsaid or bullcrap. Well I think as a WW I know it too, I can feel like walking on eggshells.

Either way its scary. and everytime its seems to be a lose lose battle for each of us.

I wish Icould help you more Toasted, just know I understand.

regret12 posted 1/8/2014 15:56 PM

Toasted22 and Joanh, I feel your pain. I just posted a thread in the WS forum about the definition of cheating.

My BH is cold when I first see him and then over a bit he'll soften just a little. But if we try to talk, all I can do is sit there, head hung to the floor and say "I'm sorry". Anything else just causes a fight. Even if I try to answer his questions it seems to cause him to become irate. But I do, as best as possible. He doesn't always like the answers.

Patience is I think all we can do at this point. I'm not sure. Thanks for the advice Skan and hopingforhappy. Prayers for us all.

toasted22 posted 1/9/2014 11:53 AM

Thanks for all these great comments. They are really helpful

dogg posted 1/9/2014 18:11 PM

I'm new here, and I'm in the same boat. I'm not getting all of these abbreviations. Some of them are not listed in the library. I'm going to need help and support. I really screwed up!!!!

Skan posted 1/9/2014 19:03 PM

dogg, if there's abbreviations that you don't understand and can't find, make a list, then start a post asking for help in solving what they mean. You'll get your answers!

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