Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

trust and transparency

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Darkness Falls posted 1/7/2014 12:45 PM

I read a response in some thread somewhere recently from Authenticnow talking about how at a few years out she had asked her H if he trusted her. I was sort of curious as to what my XH's response would be if I asked him that same question.

But then I started thinking: I am fully transparent in my life...the internet, electronic devices, whereabouts, etc. are always open and available to him. Not because I'm trying to prove anything, and not because he's suspicious or has asked for me to be that way, but because I just don't have anything to hide. So I wonder, is it normal that it kind of doesn't matter to me how much he trusts me?

I know it's normal to want to be trusted, especially by an SO. But I never claimed to be normal, , and whether he trusts me or not (or how much he does if at all) isn't really going to affect my behavior---I'm going to continue to be transparent and accountable simply because it's right, not solely to assuage any fears or to prove absence of wrongdoing.


Brandon808 posted 1/7/2014 13:06 PM

I think the layman's definition of integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. You are not looking for your XH's trust as some kind of payoff (i.e. outcome) of your authenticity. You are doing it for its own sake. That is not to say you do not care at all if he does not trust. It is just a question of how much you can care when his level of trust is not a deciding factor in how you behave?

My 2nd wxgf was afraid I would cheat. She was utterly convinced it would (and did) happen. That pissed me off. She treated me like crap at the end and it was never, in my mind, a "I would never do that to you" kind of thing. I wanted to set her straight because I do not do that. I don't. Me. Had nothing to do with her. My fidelity was not based on her so to accuse me of it was an insult to my integrity. We own our integrity. It belongs to us and no one should ever be given the power to decide it for us.

HB0903, you seem to have claimed full ownership of your own integrity. No how much you care about your XH recognizing it considering your attempts to rebuild your relationship...well that is a question to be settled between the two of you as far as I am concerned.

rachelc posted 1/7/2014 13:24 PM

So I wonder, is it normal that it kind of doesn't matter to me how much he trusts me?

as a formerWW, it doesn't matter to me, This is how I live my life and I have nothing to hide. I absolutely do NOT need privacy. When something comes up that indicates my husband is having a trust issue with me I feel badly for him because what a burden! I know I caused it. The only thing I can do is continue to live transparently.

MissesJai posted 1/7/2014 13:32 PM

It used to matter to me, but not anymore.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/7/2014 23:46 PM

Would I want my BBF to trust me? HELL YEAH! But, I've come to not worry about it too much. If I continue to be transparent, that trust may be restored on its own. But it may not. I guess at a certain point, I've come to terms with the consequences of my actions. It is what it is, in other words.

If he remains in the "trust, but verify" state, that'd still be great, because I have nothing to hide from him and he can be at ease if he ever checks through my stuff.

MairISaoirse posted 1/8/2014 00:48 AM

I WANT my BF to trust me, but no matter how transparent I am, I cant MAKE him, so i've come not not worry about it so much, because I know for myself that I'm doing everything that I can to be transparent.

if he is feeling doubtful of me, which he has the right to, I often tell him that I'm sorry that he feels that way, but I dont know how to make him feel better about it, because everything is on the table for him to examine, its his choice whether he believes it or not.

Darkness Falls posted 1/8/2014 13:13 PM

Thanks for the replies.

In thinking about it this way, I would guess that in the case of a remorseful and reformed WS, trust might be more important to the BS so that they don't have to feel like a policeman for the rest of their lives when dealing with their spouse. That must be nerve-wracking and exhausting. For the fWS who is living right, they can do that whether trusted or not.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy