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Did WH finally figure out his Why?

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BrokenMomof2 posted 1/7/2014 12:52 PM

Last night WH and I were laying in bed, I was having some self confidence issues. Told him that I dont like to show him my flaws, because even though I know its not my fault its hard not to feel like it was my flaws that caused him to find someone who in his eyes was perfect.

He told me that it has nothing to do with me, he had messed up his priorities, he put himself first in the worst way possible and gave into the Temporary feelings that the woman gave him.
He said while he was with her he justified his actions because to him I was always complaining, nagging, bringing him down, and not wanting to listen to him. But he knows that the whole problem was him not being able to talk to me about how he felt, because I was there to listen, he was just too blind to see it.
He couldnt believe how selfish he was to risk everything.

It felt good hearing him say all this, looking forward to telling our MC next week

tushnurse posted 1/7/2014 12:58 PM

Sounds like he is getting it. It is so reaffirming when you finally hear them say this stuff.

Now that he has figured that out, how is he going to change so that he will never fall into that trap again.

This will greatly help your healing.


DeadMumWalking posted 1/7/2014 15:31 PM


It sounds like he is starting to get to the true, deep down 'why'. But only a couple of months after Dday I would suggest you urge him to keep digging.

Yeah, he got the first and maybe second layer of the onion. Now for each 'reason', he needs to re-ask the question: Why?

'he had messed up his priorities': Why? In what way were they messed up/out of line with what they should be? What should they have been? Why weren't they what they should have been?

'he put himself first': Why? In what way(s) was he not first? Why was it ok to put himself first in front of whatever was already first?

'in the worst way possible': Why? Why couldn't he have put himself first in a healthier way? What hole was he trying to fill? What healthier ways could he have filled it? Why didn't any potential (and now very real) consequences matter?

'gave in to the temporary feelings that (OW) gave him': Why? How did he give himself permission to do that? What did he think would become better by doing that? How did he think (or did he even think) that you would feel about this? How would he feel if you did the same thing? Why? Why would it be ok for him, but (presumably) not for you?

'he justified his actions because to him I was always complaining, nagging, bringing him down, and not wanting to listen to him': Why? And anyway, is this REALLY true? You were ALWAYS complaining, etc? You mean there was never a nice meal together where you weren't? Not a single good moment together? Really? Why is he only remembering and focusing on the bad moments and using that as justification, instead of thinking about the good moments and using that as a reason NOT to have an A?

'But he knows that the whole problem was him not being able to talk to me about how he felt': How does he know this? Did he know it before? If not, then why not? And if so, then why was he able to go off and cheat anyway?

'I was there to listen, he was just too blind to see it': Why? Why could he not see it? What was he seeing instead? Why was he only seeing that, and not the bigger picture, not seeing that you were there to listen? What would he have said if he COULD have talked? Why didn't he say that?

'He couldnt believe how selfish he was to risk everything': Why? Why was he so selfish? Why was he prepared to risk everything? What was the 'everything' he was risking? Why did he not think before about the 'everything' that he was risking? Why can he not believe how selfish he was? What steps is he taking to ensure that he will not have an A in the future? How will he identify issues before they become problematic?

It felt good hearing him say all this, looking forward to telling our MC next week

It certainly sounds like progress, and I'm sure that MC will be glad to hear it. But I wouldn't fire MC just yet: WH is really only JUST beginning to scratch the surface here.

I know that you would like for this nightmare to be over, and WH figuring out his 'Why' is a step in that direction.

But to answer your question in the title 'Did WH finally figure out his Why?' In a word: NO.

First of all, you're not even on the same PLANET as 'finally' - your dday was like 2 months ago, right? General guideline for healing from infidelity is more like 2-5 years. That's right - YEARS. And that's when you are both doing the work. It's not a homework assignment that you can make a half-assed effort at, get a B and then move on to the next thing. So don't fall into the trap of thinking that this is 'finally', and that therefore your M is good to go.

Secondly, although WH has made a good start - or at least seems to be saying some of the right words - as you can see from all of the unanswered (by WH) questions above, he has most definitely NOT arrived at a deep and true understanding of 'Why?'. He's still got a looooooooooooonnnnnggggg way to go. Fasten your seatbelts, you're in for a long and bumpy ride.

I would also ask what he and you are doing for YOUR healing. Him giving a few slapdash 'why' responses isn't going to instantly end this nightmare for you. Don't lose sight of the fact that YOU have to take charge of your healing.

Hang in there BrokenMom, the journey has just begun. Sending you strength and positive, healing thoughts.


BrokenMomof2 posted 1/7/2014 16:15 PM

Thanks DeadMumWalking.

I know that we still have a LONG way to go, and he has just scratched the surface, but Im glad he has atleast started to scratch it, lol.
Thank you for breaking it down for me on asking the "why?" Its all so overwhelming its great when other people can help get even more into the details.

And No I wasnt always complaining, although I defintely did more than my fair share I admit, still no excuse for the way he handled things.
A book I am reading puts a big emphasis on never exaggerating about your spouse in a negative light, like "he NEVER, she ALWAYS" because when you think about it, its not true, and anything not true should never be said. And We both admit we do that alot, trying to work on it.

And as far as MC goes, not stopping anytime soon! We will be switching people though, our MC has been great as far as getting our communication going but she isnt interested in getting more indepth so next week is our last appt with her.

I forwarded my WH your response, he said he knows he does need to look deeper, and we will talk more about it with us (and our MC).

I would love for this nightmare to be over, and I hate reading it will take 2-5 years, BUT as long as we are willing to put in the effort to make sure this never happens again and to make our marriage stronger, 2-5 years or healing in order to have another 50-60 happy years is worth it for me.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/7/2014 17:04 PM

I hate reading it will take 2-5 years

Yes, it seems like such a long time it's overwhelming. But, your pain will not always be as acutely intense as it is right now.

For me, for about the first year after dday I couldn't tell you which end was up. The rollercoaster was really rocky at times. Sometime within the second year it started evening out a little more.

In the interest of complete disclosure, WH and I have never 'really' been in R. After the initial shock of dday wore off, I was all ready to jump into R. I thought the sooner we were 'in R' (whatever that meant) the faster the pain, the triggers, the mind movies, etc, would all go away. WRONG.

I was in limbo for years, hoping that WH would somehow come to his senses and show that he would be capable of R, or that he would do something so egregiously terrible that it would be 'obvious' that D was the solution. But I kept lowering my requirements for him to show me anything positive, and my self-esteem along with it.

I'm a little over 5 years out now, and still trying to dig myself out. I am having a rather difficult time due to depression and probable divorce. But I can see that I prolonged my own agony by maintaining false hope - WH never really showed true remorse, or any interest in doing the necessary to work through the A issues, which to me were of primary importance. I stayed in limbo way too long. You won't make that mistake.

Your WH is on the right track. It's just that the process, and our feelings, really cannot be rushed and 'gotten over'. You have to work *through* it. After he works through this next layer of 'why', he should continue examining - take the answers to these questions and do the 'why' exercise again. And continue this process till he gets to the real, root cause(s). Then it's time to work on fixing those. That's how he can start to work his way away from brokenness and towards a healthier M with you. THEN you can address the (pre-A) M issues (nagging, always/never, whatever).

Throughout all of this though, don't forget to take care of you: eat (healthily), drink water, sleep as best you can, try to get some kind of exercise every day. You need to be healthy to take care of those 2 perfect boys! (btw, how old are they??

Continued strength coming your way.


BrokenMomof2 posted 1/7/2014 17:41 PM

So far my WH has been the poster child for a remorseful spouse (from everything I have heard and read) He not only talks promises but shows me with actions as well which are so much more important. But I keep in mind that it has only been a few months and only time will tell.

I am sorry you are still having a difficult time

And my boys are 5 and 8

SoVeryTired5 posted 1/7/2014 17:56 PM

DeadMumWalking- I just wanted to add a big thank you for your breakdown of the why questions. I'm definitely going to talk about it with my WH tonight during our discussion time

struggling16 posted 1/7/2014 19:03 PM

No. He probably never will. He gave lip service to it but has never gone to counseling or read anything on his own without my prompting.

He is a know-it-all and thinks he can ACT like a good husband. We'll see how long it lasts. So far it's three years of remorseful behavior but there's no depth to it. He appears committed to this new M on the surface but just the other night during an argument he said if he had known how hard it would be he wouldn't have tried to R. To which I say "walk three years in my shoes, buddy."

It breaks my heart.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 7:06 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

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