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Is it ok to decide not to be mad?

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RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 13:30 PM

Is it ok for me not want to be mad? Don't get me wrong at times I am and God I'm always sad but I don't want to be angry. Today is the first time since I found out (5 days ago) that I got out of bed cleaned my house and got dressed without being begged to. My kids came home last night from there vacation and it was the first time I'd seen them since and I decided then I wanted to stay. Everyone says I should be mad it's more healthy but it makes me hurt more. When I'm angry I think about it more, it makes me not want to get out of my bed. So what I'm asking is it to soon to just focus on recovery and healing or am I skipping a step?

confused615 posted 1/7/2014 13:35 PM

Anger is an important part of healing and recovery.

You are very new to this. Im so sorry. You are probably still in a bit of shock. The anger will come..and you will welcome it. Mad is better than sad. It is healthy and normal to be angry. But if you aren't feeling angry, that is ok to. Don't pressure yourself to feel *anything* right now. Just BE. You will feel a lot of different things for a long time. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit..don't rugsweep. Feel your feelings. Don't stuff them away. they will fester and eat you alive. You will be ok. It takes time,work, a remorseful honest WS, and self care. But you will be ok.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:36 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 13:46 PM

I think I'm scared I will sweep it under the rug. It sounds pathetic but I would really rather never found out about anything. I just want my happiness back and I'm terrified I never will. I'm scared that my need to not allow this to destroy me or my family is clouding how I should really be reacting.

scared&stronger posted 1/7/2014 13:48 PM

I don't think anyone can answer that question for you. We are different with differing experiences so we handle things differently based on experience. With that said, there is usually a roller coaster ride attached to events. There is usually lot of similarities in all the stories here. You don't have to make a permanent decision right now......but don't make the mistake of thinking that moving on doesn't mean new discoveries. Good luck to you.

Getting to Happy posted 1/7/2014 14:08 PM

When I'm angry I think about it more, it makes me not want to get out of my bed. So what I'm asking is it to soon to just focus on recovery and healing or am I skipping a step?

As you can see from you post, the anger and sadness...You're not skipping a step. Sorry. And yes it is too soon.

Moving too fast to R and being 'Happy' is a sure recipe for 'Rugsweeping'.

Four years ago my husband got plastered and had sex with one of my friends, they then had a two week long emotional affair that resulted in one more drunkin night with sex. ...But after some counseling and a lot of trying to just forget we moved on.

'Member This^^^^^
He needs to get to the bottom of his poor coping skills and shitty choices. Perhaps you might look at why it was okay to rugsweep and forgive him so fast the first time. I mean that sincerely and not in a snarky way.

In the mean time, think of the pain as your brain actively over-writing what you thought your marriage was about with what the reality REALLY is. Your old marriage is dead. Let it go. You are now coming to grips with your 'New Normal'...And it it Ain't Pretty!

It does get better with a lot of work and time. Your WS needs to woo you back to him. And now that you know who he really is and what he thinks of you, that is a whole other beast.

Honor and respect yourself. Try not to just give him your trust just because he is your husband. He must be worthy of your love and fidelity and earn his way back into your heart.

There are ways in the meantime that can help mitigate the pain and suffering. These things take an effort too but they are more fun.

Like exercising, Yoga, Hiking, Mani-Pedi's, new hair cut and color, spending time with good friends, Retail Therapy...You get the idea. And not too much alcohol! You don't want to become maudlin.

Do something for you and only you. FTG!

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