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User Topic: Is it ok to decide not to be mad?
RyanCL
♀ 41959
Member # 41959
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it ok for me not want to be mad? Don't get me wrong at times I am and God I'm always sad but I don't want to be angry. Today is the first time since I found out (5 days ago) that I got out of bed cleaned my house and got dressed without being begged to. My kids came home last night from there vacation and it was the first time I'd seen them since and I decided then I wanted to stay. Everyone says I should be mad it's more healthy but it makes me hurt more. When I'm angry I think about it more, it makes me not want to get out of my bed. So what I'm asking is it to soon to just focus on recovery and healing or am I skipping a step?


BS: me 28 female
WH: 30 male
Married 6 years together 8
Two amazing boys and a perfect princess!
Dday 1: September 21st 2010
Dday 2: January 2nd 2014

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: arizona
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger is an important part of healing and recovery.

You are very new to this. Im so sorry. You are probably still in a bit of shock. The anger will come..and you will welcome it. Mad is better than sad. It is healthy and normal to be angry. But if you aren't feeling angry, that is ok to. Don't pressure yourself to feel *anything* right now. Just BE. You will feel a lot of different things for a long time. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit..don't rugsweep. Feel your feelings. Don't stuff them away. they will fester and eat you alive. You will be ok. It takes time,work, a remorseful honest WS, and self care. But you will be ok.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:36 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
RyanCL
♀ 41959
Member # 41959
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm scared I will sweep it under the rug. It sounds pathetic but I would really rather never found out about anything. I just want my happiness back and I'm terrified I never will. I'm scared that my need to not allow this to destroy me or my family is clouding how I should really be reacting.


BS: me 28 female
WH: 30 male
Married 6 years together 8
Two amazing boys and a perfect princess!
Dday 1: September 21st 2010
Dday 2: January 2nd 2014

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: arizona
scared&stronger
♀ 15942
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone can answer that question for you. We are different with differing experiences so we handle things differently based on experience. With that said, there is usually a roller coaster ride attached to events. There is usually lot of similarities in all the stories here. You don't have to make a permanent decision right now......but don't make the mistake of thinking that moving on doesn't mean new discoveries. Good luck to you.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3981 | Registered: Aug 2007
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I'm angry I think about it more, it makes me not want to get out of my bed. So what I'm asking is it to soon to just focus on recovery and healing or am I skipping a step?

As you can see from you post, the anger and sadness...You're not skipping a step. Sorry. And yes it is too soon.

Moving too fast to R and being 'Happy' is a sure recipe for 'Rugsweeping'.

Four years ago my husband got plastered and had sex with one of my friends, they then had a two week long emotional affair that resulted in one more drunkin night with sex. ...But after some counseling and a lot of trying to just forget we moved on.

'Member This^^^^^
He needs to get to the bottom of his poor coping skills and shitty choices. Perhaps you might look at why it was okay to rugsweep and forgive him so fast the first time. I mean that sincerely and not in a snarky way.

In the mean time, think of the pain as your brain actively over-writing what you thought your marriage was about with what the reality REALLY is. Your old marriage is dead. Let it go. You are now coming to grips with your 'New Normal'...And it it Ain't Pretty!

It does get better with a lot of work and time. Your WS needs to woo you back to him. And now that you know who he really is and what he thinks of you, that is a whole other beast.

Honor and respect yourself. Try not to just give him your trust just because he is your husband. He must be worthy of your love and fidelity and earn his way back into your heart.

There are ways in the meantime that can help mitigate the pain and suffering. These things take an effort too but they are more fun.

Like exercising, Yoga, Hiking, Mani-Pedi's, new hair cut and color, spending time with good friends, Retail Therapy...You get the idea. And not too much alcohol! You don't want to become maudlin.

Do something for you and only you. FTG!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1145 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 5

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