My new thing lately is the nightmares. Every. Single. Night. They all are the same "theme", being abandoned by my H. In one, he left to go to the store or something and never came back. I was frantically calling everyone trying to find him. No one knew where he was. In another, I was in the hospital and they wheeled me away and I was reaching out screaming for him and he just stood there in the hallway, watching me being taken away. But they are all like this, this overwhelming sadness and fear of him gone and not coming back. This is all recent, in the past week or so.
On another note... I've tried contacting the OBS. I feel stalkerish. I only had his name and tried contacting via Facebook, but after a week, hadn't heard anything. I didn't want to send mail to his home, in case she got it first and opened it. So, I sent it to his work he has listed on his profile on FB. I sent that out Friday and am now just waiting. Not sure how long I should wait before moving on to the next plan. My H has NO idea I'm doing this, so if it does get mentioned, I'll know how he got that information. But, I'm not sure how far I should take this.
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa
Hugs your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
Just based on my experience. 9 months after D-dat, I still get nightmares. At least I wake up ok. Thats all I asked for. For the first 4 months, everytime I woke up from my nightly nightmares, it felt as if someone punched my chest. I woke up yelling, sweating, and crying. I wouldnt remember the date or where I was. Now, in glad its only nightmares one in a while.
I can only advise that it will get better. Just focuse on you. You can not control or change him.
Try to 180D him.
Read through the tactical primer and 180D rules to get a basis on your thinking.
And to clarify, which I should've done... I've only initiated contact with the OWBS. I haven't mentioned the A yet, I didn't feel right just throwing it out there without knowing he got it or not, so I wanted to first make contact with him. The letter I sent basically said I needed to discuss an important and private matter with him and how was it best to contact him. I left my cell and email address and also directed him to the fact that I did leave him a message on Facebook. I just want to make sure HE gets the message and NOT her. From what I can see on his FB page, he doesn't use it much, which is why I decided to send the letter as well.
We broke up for years and got back together, when he chose OW over me for a second time I kept dreaming that he was all loving and happy and wanting to work on our relationship. In hindsight .I'm so pleased it never came true, THAT would have been the real nightmare!
I don't know exactly what happened, but, OW found out I had attempted to contact her BS. She pulled my H into her office on Tuesday to discuss this with him. He decided to keep this all from me until therapy Wednesday evening. And then he dropped it on me and how he was pissed I went behind his back (after early on promising I wouldn't do anything vindictive to OW if he told me who she was) and how I betrayed him by doing this. And again, I was told how he was a violent, unpredictable person.
So, OBS still doesn't know. And now, I am a "crazy person" to him. And I feel even shittier.
I still feel like SHE'S being protected and getting away with this and I'm the bad guy for being desperate to get her out of MY day to day and put my life back together. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have a few thoughts. One, not to be critical, but I am not sure you can contact the BS without revealing your intention. If someone whose name I didn't recognize was sending me letters/messages/etc. with cryptic "I need to talk to you". I would likely ignore it (perhaps assume it was a scam/crime), and I would also DEFINITELY mention it to my spouse in case they recognized the name/knew what was up. I think an oblivious BS would react similarly.
If I were you, I would call the location you said he worked, and see if you can be directed to him or better yet his voicemail. Googling may provide a website or even email addresses for his workplace. Send the actual details, not a "we need to talk" message, and then let it go. If he gets back to you? Fine. If not? Also fine.
Lastly, you are not a crazy person and his reaction to the situation is not fair or right. I don't think you did anything "vindictive" in wanting another human being to be aware of the lie they are living, and you do not have to be a saint 24/7 while everyone else gets to be a sinner.
I may have missed other posts of yours -- but is it a definite that your WS remain at that workplace/location? At many workplaces the person with the authority would be in serious career danger for having an inappropriate relationship with someone lower on the ladder.
So far, so good.
I went behind his back (after early on promising I wouldn't do anything vindictive to OW if he told me who she was) and how I betrayed him by doing this. And again, I was told how he was a violent, unpredictable person.
Take a look around at the different posts here - you'll see just how much that LIE about the OW's husband being "violent" and "abusive" and "unpredictable" is told to BS's to keep them from telling the other woman's BH. If I had a nickel for every time a cheater told his BW that bullcrap story to keep her quiet, I'd be rich, I swear.
Straight up, your husband is a lying, manipulative coward. He's SO worried about saving his own ass - and protecting his OW's ass as well - that he'll lie to you and manipulate you to keep you silent. So you're the crazy one and these two lying cheaters are right as rain, is that it? What a joke.
Homefront is exactly right. You KNOW the company the guy works for, so call them and ASK to speak with him or ask for his email address. I also agree you need to send a brief summary of the affair to this guy and let him know if he'd like more answers or more information, and that he's welcome to call you or email you. I, too, think it's too cryptic to say "we need to talk" so give him instead the basic details and the choice to get more info from you.
Lastly, these two lying cheaters have no doubt already cooked up a story to tell her BH, because that's what cowards do - lie lie lie and deny deny deny. That story will no doubt entail a statement about her nice, "innocent" working relationship with your husband and the guy's psychopathic, insane, bipolar, schizophrenic wife (that would be YOU). She'll claim that you accuse ALL WOMEN of hitting on your husband because you're insane and off your meds, don'tcha know?
Yup, without a doubt that's what she'll probably do. Try to get to him first OR if you do talk to him, let him know you're not the crazy idiot these two tried to paint you out to be.
Jesus. The low life cheaters are nothing if not PREDICTABLE. Pffft.
My wife pleaded with me not to contact the BS, saying she was half-crazy (lies perpetrated by her scumbag husband), and that he himself was vindictive and likely to pursue some type of retaliation.
That was back in October. Both were lies; his wife was horrified and hurt, and when she contacted me one more time for additional questions, I discovered he was throwing my wife under the bus and accusing her of making up the affair in an attempt to divorce me! All ridiculous lies.
I felt so much better after I contacted the poor woman and knew immediately that it was the right thing to do.
Also - Is your WH supposed to be NC? Have you addressed the fact that NC was broken AND he kept it from you AND he was mad at you?
That does not scream remorse to me. How did your counselor handle it?
I feel so torn. H is adamant about OWBS being violent, and this has been semi-verified by a 3rd party as well. If it's true, and he is, I'd hate to have been the one that set the ball rolling for harm to come to my H or to the innocent child of OW.
On the other hand, I feel like some things aren't adding up and I'm just not sure how to proceed.
I'm having surgery this Friday, so I'm just beyond stressed out this week. I had another nightmare this morning. Great start to the week. And he's working a double shift today.
There is not complete NC because they work together and there is no way around it. She is his supervisor. And I cannot go above her because it could risk H's job as well, and we just can't afford that. Yes, it sucks big time.
Maybe they should have both thought about that. It really does suck. I wish you could "afford" it and go right above her ass and have her fired for being the biggest whore supervisor!
And let this supposed lunatic OBS go bezerk on her. I'm sure he's not but she deserves any wrath that he may give her. Your gut is telling you things aren't adding up! Your gut is probably accurate.
So sorry, you don't deserve this drama and stress with upcoming surgery. Focus on yourself as much as possible!