WW and I are 16 months out. She's given me her timeline and has answered all my questions. (And I assure, it was awkward. I'm one of those that want to know every detail.)At any rate, I'm feeling really good and so is she. We are both in IC and MC. Next week is 20th anniversary.
The thing is, I'm still hung up on "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing. My story is in my profile, but the abridged version is:
2007 WW meets OM. Makes cell call late at night.I find out. Fighting ensues. She apologizes and assures me there is nothing there. Promises not to see or talk to him ever again. (In truth may have been beginning of EA)
2009 I find WW is "friends" with OM on Facebook. Same result. (In truth, in the middle of full blown EA)
2010 I find deleted Facebook messages to OM. Nothing incriminating but she broke NC. Again, she assures me they are just friends, nothing going on. I make her quit her job (he's a customer at the deli she works at.) She promises me her love, fidelity, etc etc. (In truth they had just moved to PA the month before)
September 13th,2012. D Day of EA. (I had found texts) WW says its just EA.
September 22nd,2012. D Day of PA (WW freely confessed)
The rest is history.
My problem? After 3 instances of empty promises and betrayals, how do I go forward without them screaming in my head? Rationally I know this is different whereas everything is out in the open. She has freely admitted everything and is owning her shit. We are both working hard at R. We both have done the reading, educating ourselves and understand how it came to be. The brokenness that made it all possible. And despite the affair, we've never been more in Love and intimate.
I feel that I'm so close to forgiveness. I just can't forget the other "promises". I can't get the image of her crying with me after the 3rd incident, promising me her love, out of my head. And I have this fear that I'll be the sucker again. That all this reconciliation is more smoke and mirrors.
sigh, I'm so messed up.
Sorry for the ramble....