SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Yakamishi posted 1/7/2014 17:27 PM

WW and I are 16 months out. She's given me her timeline and has answered all my questions. (And I assure, it was awkward. I'm one of those that want to know every detail.)At any rate, I'm feeling really good and so is she. We are both in IC and MC. Next week is 20th anniversary.

The thing is, I'm still hung up on "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing. My story is in my profile, but the abridged version is:

2007 WW meets OM. Makes cell call late at night.I find out. Fighting ensues. She apologizes and assures me there is nothing there. Promises not to see or talk to him ever again. (In truth may have been beginning of EA)

2009 I find WW is "friends" with OM on Facebook. Same result. (In truth, in the middle of full blown EA)

2010 I find deleted Facebook messages to OM. Nothing incriminating but she broke NC. Again, she assures me they are just friends, nothing going on. I make her quit her job (he's a customer at the deli she works at.) She promises me her love, fidelity, etc etc. (In truth they had just moved to PA the month before)

September 13th,2012. D Day of EA. (I had found texts) WW says its just EA.

September 22nd,2012. D Day of PA (WW freely confessed)

The rest is history.

My problem? After 3 instances of empty promises and betrayals, how do I go forward without them screaming in my head? Rationally I know this is different whereas everything is out in the open. She has freely admitted everything and is owning her shit. We are both working hard at R. We both have done the reading, educating ourselves and understand how it came to be. The brokenness that made it all possible. And despite the affair, we've never been more in Love and intimate.

I feel that I'm so close to forgiveness. I just can't forget the other "promises". I can't get the image of her crying with me after the 3rd incident, promising me her love, out of my head. And I have this fear that I'll be the sucker again. That all this reconciliation is more smoke and mirrors.

sigh, I'm so messed up.

Sorry for the ramble....

HeartInADustpan posted 1/7/2014 18:48 PM

This is a tough one for me too. All the "promises". I don't know if this helps, but I summed it up in my head as those promises were made by a liar. I had to as myself is he being genuine now? Is he still the liar he was when he made those promises? I had to have a base line trust level rebuilt before I could give myself an honest answer. No more blinders.

So, has your WW worked on her issues that led to her A? Is she still the same person who made those promises to you before?

Hang in there.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 6:49 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

unfound posted 1/7/2014 19:30 PM

it's a hard leap of faith for sure. I ran up to the ledge so many time that I wore a rut in the ground.

the thing is, are you okay enough that if she disappoints you, you'll be okay? Of course you'd be sad and hurt, but be okay?

it was a huge deal for me not knowing, not having something tangible to assure me that if I did take that leap, that he'd be there for me. Once I felt I had it in me (with lots of help from some great SI friends) I took it, I was all in. After that, there was still work to be done, but it came much more freely (from my side).

[This message edited by unfound at 7:31 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

catlover50 posted 1/7/2014 21:06 PM

I agree with Heart. There is a distinct difference when someone is making promises from that "fog" of self-delusion. I know personally that it feels different this time because he is truly and consistently behaving differently this time.

My H went to IC both times too, said many of the same things, but his behavior is SO different now. ( I have learned that he lied to his first IC too). I read in ICR recently someone describing how the WS will lie and lie to try to avoid having to face your perception of them as being a liar and a cheater, because then they would be forced to see themselves that way. When they finally face that, finally quit making excuses and become humble, then they can be on the path to real change.

At least I really hope so!

Good luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:06 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]