Topic: Need some imput - WS response welcomed
Member # 40954
| Posted: 5:38 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
My WH recently gave an acquaintance the OP's phone number, because he thought he would like her. He told me about it, apparently expecting me to be overwhelmed with Joy. (I can't explain why --which is the problem.)
I lost it completely. I ranted and raved, and told him that it appeared to be an attempt to keep the OP in our lives. The acquaintance is a friend of friends of ours...what if it worked out? He gets credit for hooking them up, and I get to hear about it. (Obviously none of our friends know about their A.) I felt like once again he did something without thinking of the consequences to anyone. He said he thought that it would show me he wasn't keeping her in reserve (or worse seeing her).
The whole thing doesn't sit right with me. My questions are "Am I overreacting? Should my H setting up OP with his "friend" upset me? To the WS...what is your take on this?
Me: 43 (BS)
LTA: 3 years
Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 16024
| Posted: 5:41 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Completely and totally inappropriate.
The OP should be non existent in his life. Why any connection at all? What is he getting out of this? Nothing good. Complete NC is necessary. This is not NC.
He said he thought that it would show me he wasn't keeping her in reserve (or worse seeing her).
That is such total bullshit.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown
Posts: 54940 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 41692
| Posted: 5:43 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Another BS here..
I don't think I would have ranted and raved unless it was a friend I was particularly fond of. I would say to WS "I guess you don't really want to be friends with [soon to be F-ed over guy] anymore". Of course this is assuming he is NC with her. If this was an effort to show you that he doesn't care about OP anymore it was misguided and he didn't think about the consequences. DUH.
P. S. Why does he still know her number? Memorized it I hope/guess???
"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker
Posts: 211 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 33886
| Posted: 5:48 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Hair no, you aren't overreacting!
Questions I want to ask him:
#1. Why is she even a thought in his mind?
#2. Why the crap does he still have her phone number?
He said he thought that it would show me he wasn't keeping her in reserve
Bull. It's showing you that she's still #1 in his brain, when his only thoughts should be of you and healing your relationship and figuring our why he cheated in the first place.
This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
Posts: 7897 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38879
| Posted: 5:50 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
What Aubrie said ^^^^^.
Why the *^%& does he even think of her?
NC is not telling a "friend" about her as a potential "girlfriend".
I'd be beyond pissed.
BW - mid 50's WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?
Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.
Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: SF Bay Area/NorCal
Member # 35619
| Posted: 5:58 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Why on God's Good Green Earth would he give two squats???
I mean I cannot wrap my brain around such an idiotic notion.
"Hey, here's the number of the skank who participated in hurting my family and nearly costing me my M. I clearly must hate you or never want to see you again because it will either A) crash & burn because she is such a "winner" or B) somehow you'll stay together in which case I can never talk to you again...but I'll live with comfort that I brought a virtual stranger and the OW some measure of happiness. To hell with everyone else."
Seriously??? This has got to be one of the most mind-boggling things I've heard on SI yet...and that is saying A LOT.
Posts: 4634 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 40954
| Posted: 6:02 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
It has honestly sent me for a loop. I feel paranoid. Now anytime he mentions the "friend" I panic. Thank you so much for your responses. Some days its hard to keep the Crazy out.
Me: 43 (BS)
LTA: 3 years
Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41494
| Posted: 6:03 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Yes, really inappropriate. He had an A with her, and now he's fixing her up with someone? As a potential romantic partner? The fact that he can't see how bad that is for your R speaks volumes.
It should be as though she has dropped off the face of the earth; if he still has any contact information for her, he needs to lose it. Immediately.
Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
Working on reconciliation
Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Member # 41457
| Posted: 6:06 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Must not be a very good friend if he's giving him a homewrecker's phone number.
There's no reason, other than he still thinks fondly of her, for him to be handing out her number to his friends.
I would do some serious "are you kidding me" yelling if that happened to me.
Not that it would, because all the single friends my WW would try to hook up with the OM are our age, and they have more sense than to go for people twice their age!
Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39005
| Posted: 6:37 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
WW here....I agree that it's totally inappropriate and I would be upset also.
He needs to be totally NC with her not setting her up on dates
But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?
Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40181
| Posted: 6:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Totally inappropriate, by any measure.
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
Posts: 275 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40963
| Posted: 6:51 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
I agree that it was a bad bad idea, but I can guess what he was thinking.
He wanted to prove that he no longer had feelings or an attachment, so by setting her up with someone else he was showing you the change in his feelings for her and his renewed devotion to you.
I doubt he realizes that it would also be another way for her to stay in your lives. This is completely naive on his part. It shows a weakness in him getting the big picture.
Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 38140
| Posted: 6:59 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
WS here, and I agree it is not at all ok.
But, instead of piling on, I'll echo breaking point's post. He does not get the big picture yet. More communication about boundaries is probably in order. Is he on SI? That has helped me tremendously. I can be a bone head about some things.
Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn
Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 41759
| Posted: 7:44 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
I am a WS and this is completely wrong and you should be upset. It seems like he was thinking about the AP more than you in this situation.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 41873
| Posted: 7:57 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
Ageed with the others. WH here and as the BS, I feel you have EVERY right to set boundaries for the WS when you feel there is a threat.
The WS history suggests this relationship could move towards inappropriate.
Follow your gut, and I'm sorry you have to be here.
We are here for you.
Me: FWH, 36
Her: BS, 35
Married: 9 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys, 6 & 7
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."
Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Member # 37154
| Posted: 8:54 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
I am a BS, but just wanted to point out that he described her as likable to his friend. That would infuriate me all by itself.
My H has not one good thing to say about the OP to anyone (never mentions her in fact) and that's the way it needs to be, IMO.
Posts: 2243 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 19636
| Posted: 9:05 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014|
I vote that he's full of poop.
It is not exactly mental NC having her number handy and thinking of her. And whatever he does think of her, it must be somewhat positive or why recommend her to this guy?
Or he thought this guy would be interested in a chick with a broken moral compass? Nice.
BW - Reconciling
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Posts: 3820 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 40488
| Posted: 12:07 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014|
I would be livid ranting and raving too.
1) why does he still have her number name address whatever. It should have been erased from his memory banks.
2) why would he recommend a liar cheat Sluty whore to a friend. Is that friend married. I wouldn't want even my enemies to be with the ow.
3) you need to oust the affair... Tell his friend about what a wonderful homewrecker she is.. Tell people..
Single women like that don't deserve a good guy!!!!!
Tell your husbands friend to dump that witch. And maybe you she tell your husband to dump his friend. I have a feeling he knows of the affair.
[This message edited by Dreamland at 12:09 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore
Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
|Topic Posts: 18|