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how many times is too many times to ask?

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RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 20:40 PM

My husband had one affair 4 years ago that we swept under the rug for the most part and a one nighter with my best friend new years eve. He says he's come clean on everything but I don't believe him. So how many times is to many to ask for the details?

[This message edited by RyanCL at 8:41 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 1/7/2014 20:45 PM

Out of curiousity.....what year did the ONS happen in?

Don't ask him for anything.

Tell him that you are setting up an appointment with a polygraphy expert. If he's *come clean*, then he should be 'just fine' with *proving it* to you.

Uhtred posted 1/7/2014 20:47 PM

I'd ask as many times as necessary until I was satisfied. It's been 8 months for me and I ain't near done asking!

RyanCL posted 1/7/2014 20:52 PM

2014 I guess you would say since it was after midnight

marionwendy posted 1/8/2014 10:15 AM


Lovedyoumore posted 1/8/2014 10:40 AM

As Dr. Phil says, until.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/8/2014 11:11 AM

RyanCL, 4 years ago you gave this man the gift of your forgiveness after he devastated you with his FIRST affair - and this is how he thanks you? By having a ONS with your best friend on New Year's Eve???


If you're going to forgive him again, then you need to set down some serious consequences. Look, the guy knows that his cheating is wrong, so don't let him try to tell you he didn't really 'get' how bad it was or any of that bullshit. He KNOWS and he did it anyway.

Twice - that you know of. I have a sneaking suspicion there has been a lot more activity you don't know about.

But the truth is that he knows you'll forgive him and stay because you're doing it again.

That tells him he can cheat over and over and over and you won't leave him. So where's the incentive to show you the respect you deserve when he knows he can keep doing this?

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 11:35 AM

Honestly as much as I love him I'm not scared to leave him. I'm a young smart pretty girl that could very easily take care of myself. The true reason I agreed to stay and try to work through it this time is our kids. They aren't all as little any more and they would be devastated. They are such amazing and happy kids. He is actually a fabulous father and as a family we have an incredible time. Now my love for him does have something to do with me staying but it's not the reason any more. I told him this. I told him if I don't see that he's all in and more then me at first I'm walking away. I just feel for the happiness of my three young innocent kids it couldn't hurt to see if I could get to a place where my love for him is strong enough to be a reason to stay. So far he has tried to be very transparent and helpful, I just have such a hard time trusting it

[This message edited by RyanCL at 11:03 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 1/8/2014 12:50 PM

You ask until you feel you don't have to ask any more. I'm 19 months away from DDay and I needed to ask questions last week. And he answered me fully and apologized when I was done. I fully expect that I may be asking questions for some time to come.

Now, granted, that the frequency has slowed down quite a lot. It had been 4-ish months between the last two times I needed to ask questions. But you'll ask questions until you don't feel that you need to any more. And pay attention to your gut feelings. If you think that there is something else there, you're probably right.

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 13:17 PM

I ask whenever the mood strikes me and right now that's a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm helping myself or slowly killing myself through his words.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/8/2014 15:27 PM

I ask whenever the mood strikes me and right now that's a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm helping myself or slowly killing myself through his words.

Aww, I know what you mean.

It's kind of like passing by a don't want to look but yet you torture yourself and do it anyway.

You know, mine lied SO much that I didn't even bother asking him anymore questions. It was pointless. I did find it a bit amusing, however, because he actually got to a point where he was lying SO much that he started forgetting the lies he'd told. When I repeated something to him that he'd told me just 5 days before while we were in the Home Depot parking lot, he actually accused ME of lying and making it up! He told me he'd NEVER told me that and I just stood there with my jaw hanging open.

Judge Judy says you have to have a very good memory in order to be a good liar - and she's right. I still laugh when I think back to those days and the ridiculous lies I was told.

Much peace to you.

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 15:52 PM

(((Never Again)))
I don't think he tells the whole truth but I don't think he's lying presay. He isn't a good liar and he has a pretty sucky memory but the last few days I've been asking question not just about the ONS but also the A from 2010. He's giving the same answers now as he did then without any variation so I think I believe him. Plus the details he's given about the ONS are just to horrific. Why you would lie and make it worse I can't see. And in his case he's in self preservation mode so he wouldnt try and make it worse. Just his truth is that bad.

[This message edited by RyanCL at 11:05 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

AndreaL posted 1/8/2014 16:04 PM

You keep asking until YOU feel comfortable that he is telling the truth. That's what I did...but it backfired on me. I learnt how much time my husband was playing daddy to the OW child while neglecting his own. Haunts me....

AndreaL posted 1/8/2014 16:05 PM

I would also suggest comparing your husbands story with your BF? Unless they have spoken and come up with the same story.

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 16:22 PM

I can't ask her to tell me her side if the story. I can't even stand the idea of being in the same city as her let alone the same room or even hear her voice on the phone. I'm beyond upset with my WS but she was my person. She's the person I went and cried my self to sleep on after the first A. I just can't give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry or worse me seeing her cry if she's truly remorseful

5454real posted 1/8/2014 16:23 PM

Your limit is 1.375 million times. After that ask again. Seriously, ask until YOU have clarity. The problem is that you are asking a proven liar. Of course you are still asking. After years of rebuilding trust(through action, not words), you might be able to believe his answers. Right now, he's at 7(?) days. Way too soon to stop asking.

Seriously, ask as often and in as many different ways you need to.

I'm sorry 2014 started out like this.

AndreaL posted 1/8/2014 16:29 PM

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Your BF is a waste of space. It seems you believe your husband concerning the details of NYS? I would listen to your gut. That's what I did with my husband and it proved to be correct. Did your husband explain to you why he did this? He needs IC. I told my husband he needs IC of he wants a chance at getting back his family. Big hugs. This community is the best and keeps me sane.

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 16:53 PM

(((AndreaL))) I do believe him on what he's told me. The only part I am missing is how it started. He says she kissed him and so did she. That's the one thing I asked her before I stopped talking to her. But they were both so completely ass plastered they can't remember how it got to that. He says he has no clue how or why. That two days before he was driving home from work thinking how perfect our life is and how I make he feel better then anyone in the world could. He said he wanted IC I didn't have to ask. He wants to understand how or why he would let this happen. Hugs to you and thankx for the support

AndreaL posted 1/8/2014 17:27 PM

The fact that he suggested IC is a step in the right direction. Make sure your ex BF and husband have no contact. Are they even friends? Or friends via you? NC is very important to moving forward.

RyanCL posted 1/8/2014 20:48 PM

No they aren't really friends just through me. They have had no contact since the ONS. He says he has no desire to ever speak to her and the last contact I got from her she text me apologizing and saying she couldn't live with what she had done and was taking the step to walk out of my life before I had to ask.

[This message edited by RyanCL at 8:49 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

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