"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Maverick1998 posted 1/7/2014 20:48 PM

After several suggestions to start doing an in-home 180, I find that I actually have a couple of questions.

With regards to setting up dates...my WW started trying to spend more time together after our DD goes to bed. Am I supposed to be turning these overtures down?

One of the things that I struggle with is codependence (as do so many other BS' I expect). One of the things that I have CONSTANTLY been doing is picking up after her. It sounded like the 180's were intended to be positive things...is this actually an opportunity to do a 180?

BAB61 posted 1/7/2014 22:20 PM

Go to the Healing Library (upper left yellow box) and click on BS FAQ ... scroll down to the 180 explanation. This is what you should be doing. Please do read it and re-read it. It will help. What you are doing is feeding her ego kibbles (giving her attention). STOP picking up after her, she is expecting you to continue ... it is definitely part of the co-dependency .. and so not healthy for you!
Yes, yes and yes this is an opportunity to do a 180.

[This message edited by BAB61 at 10:22 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Daddo posted 1/8/2014 00:43 AM

There is no one right way to get over this crap. From what I can tell, you just found out about an affair that has gone on for 2 years.

No, you should not be scheduling dates. Your WS thinks that she will give you a little attention and all will be better. I wish it were that easy. The truth is that for the next 6 months to 2 years, things are going to suck between you. Yes, you may have moments of intense need, sex, desire - but you will also have moments (lifetimes) of intense pain, anger, anxiety and depression - this is the roller-coaster.

The best way off the roller-coaster is to slowly rebuild your relationship - from the bottom. First you need to rebuild yourself. Then, when you are healthier, you can bring her in.

It is amazing how much our sense of who and what we are - of our basic identity - gets defined by our relationship. This has been suddenly sundered - and you will feel, for a long time, like half a person, ready to latch onto just about anyone or anything that offers you some completion. Your WS, meanwhile, has rebuild part of her identity around some other guy.

The point of the 180 to give you space and a safe place to rebuild yourself - and to remind your WS of the man you are, the man she fell in love with.

I don't know all the answers - but it feels like she wants to jump to the end - without rebuilding trust, without showing that she really understands what she did to you, without all the work needed to rebuild.

I'm so sorry you are here - we are here for you.

One last thought - it is possible to get through this. It is possible to rebuild marriages to love and grow old together. But it not easy. Both of you have to set expectations that it will take a long time - but you are worth it - and she has to show that she knows that.

[This message edited by Daddo at 12:45 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

atsenaotie posted 1/8/2014 10:46 AM

Hi Maverick1998,

...my WW started trying to spend more time together after our DD goes to bed. Am I supposed to be turning these overtures down?

It depends why you are using the 180, and what your goal is. It appears from your other posts that your WW is not fully committed to owning her A, addressing her issues related to the A, and in committing to the M. Have you established any boundaries (requirements) for your WW in order for you to feel safe staying in the M for now and to not D her? Examples of boundaries that others have established for their WS include:

• NC with OP, and full access to email, social media, and cellphone accounts to verify NC.

• A timeline of the A with details on what was said, what was done, where they met, etc, at the level of detailed desired by the BS.

• Reading Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discussing how these books do or do not apply to the WS’s A and the M.

• Attending IC to identify issues that facilitated the A, and to learn new coping mechanisms.

• Establishing a narrative of the M through dday that the WS and BS can both agree to.

• The WS affirming and demonstrating his or her desire for the BS as a M partner.

It would be appropriate to use the 180 to detach from your WW if she is not complying with your requirements in order to Not Divorce her. If she is not willing to meet your requirements to feel safe, then it is completely reasonable that you would detach and focus on your needs and those of your children. Spending more time together as a couple, while ignoring the fallout from her betrayal of your relationship, I do not believe will be helpful in the long term.

It is also reasonable that you take some time to step back and reassess your life and your M. Look at how much of what you do is co-dependency. How much have you given up for the M? Can you take some time to establish or re-enforce your social network of friends so you do not rely so much on your WW for support? Are there activities that you gave up or withdrew from after M that you could return to in order to re-establish yourself as a person independent of your WW? Have you considered IC for yourself to help process your feelings and do some values-clarification in the wake of your dday?

From your posts, there is a long history of betrayl with your WW. If she decides to own her A and her issues and wants to work to be the W you deserve, there will be no quick fixes to her and the M. You should be prepared for years of work on your and her part. During these years you do not want to just sit on your hands waiting for her to "get better".

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:47 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]