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How long did it take for the "real" him/her to come into focus?

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PhantomLimb posted 1/7/2014 21:21 PM

This question has come up in some of the comments over in S/D lately, and it's something I'm struggling with myself.

Overall, I've been very resistant to seeing X for "who he really is." I had him on a pedestal for so many years and I compartmentalized the A and my need to leave as a turn of events that I couldn't really explain... but not necessarily something that was "in" him all along.

Brain tumor, stress, bad coping strategies, FOO issues, a mental breakdown, a mental illness. I've run through every possible reason except that, maybe, he wasn't a good guy.

I think he was a good guy the majority of the time but, interestingly, after DDay, whenever I told people what he had done, I found myself automatically begin ranting about how much he had procrastinated, lied, failed to follow through, showed poor impulse control, etc throughout the M. My mind aligned these things, even though I didn't understand why at the time. Sort of like a dam broke and 10 years of stuff I had spackled came flying out.

And then finally, this week, the last domino fell in my IC session.

I told IC about how X's father died this week. I found out because a friend called to tell me he had put his father's name and dates up as his status message.

X actively cut his father out of his life. Hadn't seen him since the late 80s, hadn't spoke to him at all since around 2006.

So why proclaim his death publicly like that?

Also, X only just recently took down a photos of me and our dog as his cover photo (ten months after I left him!). He's kept the photos of me and him up and tagged on his page (I can still see them because I am tagged).

Yet, he's reportedly been posting photos of himself with OW's child. Never OW, just OW's child.

I'm starting to realize how much the people around him are just props.

The man I actively hated and cut out of my life died? Post that on Facebook! I might get cake from people willing to offer sympathy.

My ex-wife is pretty and our dog was cute. Keep them up there! They make me look like a good family man.

Oh, I want to look like a good man? Put up some pictures of myself with OW's kid on bicycles! Because taking little kids out for bike rides is a thing nice men do!

But no pics of OW. Because she doesn't make me look as good as my ex, the kid... or the dog.

He did this to me after DDay, too. After he told me and broke my heart, I left. A couple of days later he called and left a message letting me know that he might not be home immediately after work because his coworkers were "rallying around" him and taking him out because his big meanie of a wife walked out on him.

Because they didn't know the real reason I walked out, asswipe.

This is really hard for me to look at because I'm not just invested in him... I'm invested in me. I like to think I'm a relatively smart kid. How could I have been so in love with someone who is so...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:28 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 1/7/2014 22:09 PM

How could I have been so in love with someone who is so...

Yep, that's a tough one to swallow. Right up there with those pesky 'whys'. Why did I ignore this, that and the blatantly obvious 'he's an asshole' stuff.

On DDay I saw him for what he was and who he had always been - a weak, selfish, immature, dishonourable coward.

My exact words to him on DDay were 'when in this relationship was it ever about me'. I even asked him to list 5 examples (gifts) or times over the past 16 years that it was about me. He managed 3. This from the guy who would always tell me what a wonderful partner he was and how lucky I was to have him. Even worse, I would have told you he was a great guy and I was lucky to have him too .

For me one of the hardest parts of this journey has been working to forgive myself. It is a work in progress.

littlefoggy posted 1/7/2014 22:45 PM

My tagline/mantra/motto/whatever lately has been:

He done gone lost his mind.... or I went and found mine.

I think it is a little of both. I am seeing more clearly what he was like. And he is not putting on a show for me anymore.

I am still discovering things. And I am like

Vulcanized posted 1/7/2014 23:49 PM

How could I have been so in love with someone who is so...

I kinda think it's easier to overlook the "bad" (red flags, sketchy, whatever you want to call it) in others when your motivation is pretty straight forward / non-duplicitous. Eg: I extend trust to you b/c I know I am trustworthy, and, as such, expect you are as well. IYKWIM.

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