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Things are going pretty well. Done all the reading and disclosing. R is going well.

However, in all honesty, trying to forget the AP is like trying to forget that you once had cancer. Let me assure you there has been total nc. Yet every day I think of her. Usually I get pissed off. But sometimes I still question myself.

Is this normal? I wish I could have total amnesia. It would be easier.

Are you still having loving/fond feelings towards your AP? I'm not entirely clear from your post...

I'm a BS so I'm treading lightly here... however, if I found out that my WH was having a hard time letting go of his AP, that would by my cue to end the M - if he can't give me 100% of himself, then I don't want any of him.

Is it truly your wife that you want? or are you forcing it?

IMHO, a year is a long time to still be thinking about your AP - and every day? That really seems excessive but again I'm a BS so maybe I'm just a little sensitive about this...

ETA: rephrased a point that may have been a little harsh (my apologies)

[This message edited by Beemer at 1:09 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Let me assure you there has been total nc.

Mental NC can be every bit as important as physical NC. When she comes to mind, do you push away the thoughts or do you let them run in your mind for a while? It takes effort to implement mental NC. Doing it can mean the difference between false R and real R.

Do you want to let her go?

I know how you feel. I've been in total NC but I still miss the attention and excitement. I didnt love the AP but I loved how he made me feel. I feel more guilt for what I did to the AP because I make him fall in love with me and then suddenly stopped all contact to save my marriage. I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts but I know I am on the right path with my actions no matter what my thoughts are