I find that I am so insecure about my WH's true feelings about me and if his words after months of trying to R are real. Does he really love me? If so, does he love me enough to survive through this long road of reconciliation. Him saying "I love you" and doing everything asked/expected of him does not erase the fact that he was able to betray me, tell me he was not in love with me, be willing to leave me. He did it before, and it could happen again if the tides turn again.
So I know that with all these insecurities, it is so hard to accept what he does as genuine and from the heart. Even a nice present or text or email or conversation doesn't give me the reassurance I seem to so desperately crave. What he did so devastated my self esteem. He placed that seed that him not loving me can indeed be a possibility, it can exist, it can happen.
I now find that when I'm at my most weak/insecure/scared/exhausted emotionally, I inadvertently test him. I just realized today, I am asking for him to repeatedly reassure me of his love for me. Not just the apologies stemming from guilt/remorse.
I don't even know what it is I want. In my head it's a very unexplainable - "pull out all the stops and show me how much you love me". I know that makes no sense and I don't know if anything will ever be enough.
But I want him to fight for me. To tell me "I'm the one". That I'm worth all this effort. That he loves me THAT much and will do so forever.
I know - romanticizing, unrealistic. But it's just how I feel at times. God knows I'm Ms. Practicallity and Ms. Realistic enough of the time.
I want to know he won't leave me, abandon me, betray me, deceive me - not just because he's dealt with his demons and FOO issues and he wants to be a better man. I know he's already working on this for his own sake.
I want to know those things could never happen because I mean that much to him. That he loves me so much that it could not happen. For my sake.
I need to know he loves me. And I'm having trouble believing, hearing, seeing, feeling this love when he does try.
[This message edited by Athene at 11:57 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]
Ben gentle with yourself and remember that this takes a long long time to sort out. You don't have to be perfectly healed and responding like normal to things - this is traumatic.
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. You're not alone, though. There are many who have been exactly where you are and have come out healthy and happy on the other side. Just breathe and give yourself more time to process.
(((Athene)))
I so understand where you're coming from. Over the past several years, when I would be down on myself, my WH would say things like "I'd love you no matter what." And then he'd go look at porn because, as he admitted later, he was frustrated with my weight gain. So it's very hard to take even the most sincere compliment now with more than a grain of salt.
But I finally told him that my body changes were mostly from having and raising children, and that every stretch mark, every bit of flab, every wrinkle and every gray hair should be badges of honor...FOR HIM. And it was very empowering for me to appreciate and acknowledge what I've been through, physically.
Then yesterday he made very complimentary (non-physical) statements about me to two separate people, which meant the world to me, because it's not something he would normally do.
I don't know how far you are out from your Dday(s), but we are about 7 months now, and I am just starting to process some of this stuff, and starting to believe that he really does love me, want me, and hate the fact that he cheated. He prefaces "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and other things sometimes with "I know you don't believe me right now..." but I tell him that even if I don't believe him, I still need to hear him say those things, and more importantly, HE needs to hear himself say them.
Time will help us all with this. Hang in there.
It was surprising to me how difficult it was for him to truly grasp this. It seemed extremely obvious to me. We're at 7 months out from full disclosure and he gets it now (at least I think he does) and it feels great.
I don't want him to sell the business, I don't want to move, I don't want him to tell more people than we have but I know now that he would. He would put the house in just my name, transfer the retirement funds to my name etc. Just knowing those things makes such a huge difference.
I actually don't think you are being romantic or asking too much. You need to feel like the MOST important thing in the world to him after what he did. It's reasonable.
The thing that struck me was when you said "he's doing everything asked/expected of him". You need to him to do more than you're asking and expecting.
I hope he gets it soon. It's a frigging hard journey isn't it?
But love is a matter of action and behavior, and it takes a lot of little loving actions and behaviors to gain trust. It's great to recognize the problem. Just keep telling yourself you've got to see how he acts for a long time, and have faith that you'll know the answer after a while.' It'll take longer than you want, but you will get your answer.
I want to know he won't leave me, abandon me, betray me, deceive me
Oh, aim higher - go for being loved. You deserve a lot more than just not being betrayed....
