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some issues I'm dealing with

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nick1234 posted 1/8/2014 00:02 AM

I dont really have a question her just issues that I'm dealing with.
First is that my wife insist it was an EA. Which to me is just as bad. She would tell OM that she wants to make out with him and have sex with him. I dont belive it wasnt physical.
Another is it went on for about 9 months on and off. She said she would break it off but he would text her after a while and she would run back because she liked the attention. The text that I first found were from right before Christmas and she said that the first time she had spoken to him in about a months because it had gone to far. The phone records line up with this as well. But her is the problem I dont think it would have stopped if I hadn't found the text. She swears it would have and that she only wants to be with me. Once again i dont believe her.
I am also struggling with the fact that I dont know if she is truly sorry or only sorry she got caught. She swears she is sorry and she can't believe she did something so stupid that hurt me so much and all she wants is my love. If I hadn't found out maybe she would have stopped or maybe she wouldn't have but either way she would have keep this little secret from me and just went on with life like nothing happened. Dont even know if she would have felt guilty looking at me everyday, making love to me knowing she did what she did!

Dreamland posted 1/8/2014 00:22 AM

Welcome to SI. This place has helped me a lot even though i found it almost a year after I founf out. Got to the healing library they have good things to start off. Then get the book " just friends". My fWH swore up and down that it was just an EA until I found evidence months later.

Well I had it but was stupid or innocent because I trusted him. In February I found him looking for hotels.. He claims it was for us to get away on valentines.... I responded you were taking me to a variety of cheap motets near our house??? Ugh can you stay stupid. How didn't I see that.

Then months later I found a condom in my car. He said he gave it to DD as she was going to a party that weekend. I called him on it. Called DD asked her point blank and she couldn't stop laughing. My heart stopped beating. I knew then but chose not to believe it.
I was shocked but didn't think he had it in him to cheat. Anyway get yourself and she tested for stds. Tell her that it would make you feel better. I contracted several stds. For over a half year I didn't understand my symptoms. Thought they were from all the sex. Nope.. My fWH A was six months and they had sex within two weeks of meeting. WTF.
So honestly you need to be safe. 9 months is a long time not to get sexual. Sorry

nick1234 posted 1/8/2014 01:02 AM

I know it is and that's part of the reason I dont belive her. Plus the content of the text she would send him. I just doesn't add up. Now we have started MCCAIN'S it was only the first session so we didn't really get into much. The more I think about the more it seems like the MCCAIN'S is justifying her actions or at least down playing it. I know our marriage wasnt perfect before and we did neglect each other. But wtf I didn't run to another women! The MCCAIN'S said the EA was a symptom of what is really going on. And that my wife really wasnt will to throw it all away with her actions. Now when I ask her how she could risk everything for this she replies I was never will to throw us way the MC even said so. This is bullshit she was will to because the consequences for her actions is losing her family. And she was taking that chance by doing it.
To put the blame on me in a way. Saying she was unhappy because I was depressed and people were saying what's wrong with me and her fucking judgmental im better than everyone else mother was telling her I wasnt do my share and putting extra stress on my wife because I was depressed.

nick1234 posted 1/8/2014 01:03 AM

Sorry every time I put MC. My phone put MCCAIN'S dont know why.

headdesk posted 1/8/2014 02:23 AM

You'll see this other places in this site, you are responsible for 50% of the marriage but she is responsible for 100% of the affair. Sure, you could have talked more or been more supportive (and on the flipside there are more things she could have done too) but what she chose as a coping mechanism was not healthy or acceptable. She could have asked for MC or done a whole bunch of other things, but she went for the cheap thrills.

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