SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 1/8/2014 00:40 AM

So, after the whole furnace not working shenanigans, I put on Do3K hoodie to keep warm until the furnace could catch up and just happened to find a can of SNUS. I asked him, a couple of weeks ago, if he was chewing again and he plain out lied to my face. It's not the SNUS that is really the problem...I don't like it; I'm a nurse and I know the direct correlation between tobacco products and cancer, but it's his decision to make, as to quitting. It's the LYING that bothers me! Why lie about something like this!?! Really, after all of this time, why lie about something as small as this. I am frustrated, because I don't understand the need to lie. I also don't know how to help him. I'm, for once, not mad. I'm hurt and disappointed, but not mad. I just don't understand

Blobette posted 1/8/2014 08:56 AM

You're sad because this confirms your worst thoughts about his character. Avoidance is such a key habit for waywards. It's a little thing, but it shows how he can't deal respectfully with conflict. And you're not mad, because you've BEEN mad. You've done that. Now you're just disappointed. He's not living up to the best him.

I'm not saying he's going to cheat again, I'm just saying he doesn't get why it's so important to resolve rather than avoid this stuff.

atsenaotie posted 1/8/2014 08:57 AM

Did you ask him why he lied? I presume the answer would be he was ashamed to admit he was still using.

He is an adult and can do what he wants. I think some communication to clarify that you are afraid of having less quality time with him if the tobacco use affects him in causing oral or throat cancer, but that you can stay with a tobacco user (if that is true), but not a liar, might be helpful.

I also don't know how to help him.

Nothing for you to help him with. Tobacco use and lying are both his choices.

sisoon posted 1/8/2014 09:31 AM

...and ashamed to admit that he's having a lot of difficulty quitting....

I agree - the lying is a potentially big problem. You've already resolved so many issues - you can resolve this one, too.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 1/8/2014 11:40 AM

To me, it's just something stupid to lie about. I loved him and accepted him when he was chewing and smoking and I still love him and accept him. The tobacco isn't the problem...I grew up in a household where my parents used tobacco; it's not a big deal to me (it's not healthy, but it's not a deal breaker).

He says that he lied b/c he didn't want me to know that he had slipped up. I'd rather him be honest and it disappoint me, than to be lied to it and it break my trust again.

Thanks everyone!

broken81 posted 1/8/2014 11:50 AM

This isnt about his lying but about helping him quit.
WH chewed forever and just quit again. Holding and having that tin on him was an addiction like the tabacco itself! I took an empty tin, wrapped it in paper that said we love you and put nicorette gum inside. he carried it still for a long time even with out the gum.
He had a couple slip ups of having a cigarette with friends but said it helped to have his tin and smell it sometimes.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 1/8/2014 13:15 PM

Thank you, broken, I may try something like that.