Another telephone call tonight that only was anger and my BH feeling the anger was consuming and not letting up all the questions the obsessing, I could hear the panic in his voice, that he even had to bring it up, He apoligised for bringing it up again cause "he knows its not a good thing for us and he needs to stop" I tried to reassure him its okay I'm still listening , he's not name calling or anything he is telling me his feelings, he doesn't feel the same about me, he doesn't have the you and me and how could I and that all it was selfish, and he doesn't know how to get through this.
We talked like this for hour and 20 minutes, He will not talk to anyone else, he won't talk to friends the consellor and he won't talk or try SI. It's me :-( What am I suppose to do. I know its my fault he feels this way, but its not me that can change it. And to hear suggestions on what to do,from me, I don't know I feel I am the wrong person to do it. But I don't know what else to do.
HE tries the trick like thinking of positive,s tried looking at pictures that were positive, and all that happened was made it worse. Cause he looked at them and sees them as false.
And in one way they are in others for me they weren't I know that's a hard one to believe.
, but its true.
Basically I am asking for help, I have no idea what to do , he is adamant about not talking to anyone else. He will not read nor listen to audio or video, reason is it reminds him and he won't talk cause he does not want to share with others.
I want him to feel better, and its not for me anymore, I just want him to be better. He talked about if he left and then he could move on. I said yes but you would still have the feelings to deal with. ? He figures he would just move on.
I want to feel better and yet he wants his family to be together.
I am feeling very lost because no matter what I say or do there is no right answer. Example. He says to me( paraphrased), he has a hard time believing why I am here, I've written a letter listing all the things I love about him. And he says he knows that family and our home and our life is important and reason why I stay, and so I say yes because it also another reason why I stay, and his response , is that he knew it that its only the lifestyle I am here for and the kids to make it work. I finally said no, that's the reason you are here. (he has told this to me many times)He said that if he didn't love me then he wouldn't be here, and I've told him family and this life is important but I am here for him. If we can't love and be happy then its not fair to the children. They will know anyways.
Is this the anger phase , what do I do, how do I respond. He askes me how and why's and I respond, with what I have found out and understand and it seems to make things worse.
I know too I am careful with what I say, If we start arguing I back down, I don't want to set him, I don't want him to leave. He also sometimes doesn't believe Im being real. Which I told him has some merit. When he is angry I don't want to fight and try to back down, or when we have an issue I don't agree with his opnion, sometimes I won't ingage with my thoughts, I agree with him or say nothing.
I'm so scared I can't and am not helping him, I know he keeps talking to me, but what more can I do. I feel helpless when I see and feel his pain,
And he is away at work SO, I can't even hold him.
The other part is we had said in the beginning we will keep trying, the problem is we keep doing the same thing over and over is this normal.? Should we not try other ways or other suggestions?? If so how do I say this to him, he really gets upset when I suggest we try anything new?
Sorry this is so long.
[This message edited by Joanh at 1:18 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]