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Had a good talk last night, yet still got nowhere

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inthedark14 posted 1/8/2014 01:21 AM

So my daily routine since D Day (2weeks ago today, yep Xmas eve) : wake up feed kids, and just go about the day like a robot pretending to b happy , and not doing the BEST at it I might add, but tryng for my precious kids, I do my best to not let it consume my thoughts and for the most part I'm not, but at the end of the day wen the sun goes down that's wen I snap, every single day, it's like I'm a senior affected by sun downers. I say snide remarks to my WH bcuz he is very good at being the rug sweeper, I told him last night he must of Been a broom in his past life cuz he loves sweeping shit under the rug. I'm getting off track here sorry, so then after my nighty snide remarks to WH, I take a shower bcuz this is where I hide and sit in isolation and cry, I stupidly thought no one can hear me in the shower , and as usual I'm so worried about WH feelings that I dnt even let myself cry very loud, I muffle my cryng so much that i lost my voice for a week from the strain I put on m throat! Off track again where was I, shower o ya , so I was sitting on the flo

inthedark14 posted 1/8/2014 01:43 AM

Dang iphone keep hitting submit,,,
So im sitting on the shower floor sobbing not as quietly as i thoughy i was, wen i felt WHs arms wrap around me. It was sort of "romantic"(cant believ i even ssid that) bcuz he already showered bfor me and he got in the shower with me fully clothed to comfort me, we BOTH sat in ther,on the shower floor for 45 minutes and BOTH cried, and talked., this was the 1st time he showed any real emotion since xmas night,wen he cried that night and i screamed at him and told him he had NO right to cry.thru IC and MC i realize that he does have the right to cry even if i dnt think
He does,we still rnt getting anywhere,i kno its early, but im still not getting answers cuz in HIS mind he still thinks he is "protecting my feelings" ,and i do believe he THINKS thats best but im also smart enuf 2 kno hes protecting his own a$$ too.Hes a VERY stubborn man, and definately not a emotional man,he dsnt talk feelings, and he NEVER cries,as alot of men dnt i guess, but the ONLY 2 times ive seen him cry were wen each of our children were born. This was not just crying tho, he was SOBBING,its the 1st time i felt real remorse from him, hes said sorry in a million ways a milion times already,and he isnt mean about it, i just havnt FELT his apology til last night. For a brief 45 minutes in an extremely sad moment i felt so happy,

Dare2Trust posted 1/8/2014 02:19 AM


I'm so sorry for the intense pain you are going thorough. I do understand.

I hope you can see a counselor to help you during this terrible time -- my counselor helped me so much.

I'm sending you hugs and support.

Blobette posted 1/8/2014 05:52 AM

Those first few weeks after DD were a nightmare for me. I have no words of comfort about that - it's pure hell, and you just need to get yourself through it. Being functional, looking after the kids - you're doing an amazing job!

Having said that, I think it's a great sign that your WH comforted you in this way. It sounds like such a genuine moment. There are lots of stories on here about waywards who are able to fake remorse, but this seems pretty real to me. This kind of empathy... It's a wonderful sign. My WH, who is pretty much a model WH, has yet to cry like this. Honestly, I'd love to see that.

Stay strong and keep posting!

((((Inthe dark))))))

soconfusednow posted 1/8/2014 06:28 AM

but im still not getting answers cuz in HIS mind he still thinks he is "protecting my feelings" ,and i do believe he THINKS thats best but im also smart enuf 2 kno hes protecting his own a$$
Tell him he had his chance to "protect your feelings" before he had an A. Now it's your turn, and yes your feelings have & will be hurt, but you need a complete timeline written to help you heal. If it's too much, you (not him) can set it aside to help answer the questions that will come later.

There are lots of stories on here about waywards who are able to fake remorse, but this seems pretty real to me.
Yeah, mine cried then continued his A for several more months.

Blobette posted 1/8/2014 08:43 AM

Soconfused is absolutely right. Mr Inthedark needs to prove that his crying is real by making real changes in his life. No one thing will convince you that he's truly remorseful -- it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of actions on his part for you to get there. Doing IC and MC is a good start.

It's very very hard to know whether WSs are showing true remorse. It's reasonable to expect them to fail/relapse a few times (not by interaction with the AP -- that's completely forbidden and not what I mean! I mean by not being the perfect remorseful partner, by falling into wayward/self-centered thinking.) And to take their own time to come out of the fog. My WH did something very hurtful about 4 months in (didn't provide me with emotional support when I needed it.) At the time he really didn't "get" what he did wrong. Over a year later, he totally gets it, and should a similar thing pop up, I *think* he'd react totally differently.

So I'm saying it's a journey for the wayward as much as it is for the BS (hopefully) and it's very, very hard to know whether they're just putting on an act or whether it's real. That is why attempting R is such a gamble and takes such courage. (Deciding to split is equally courageous -- these are ALL hard choices.) There are some very good fakers out there. And even those of us who are somewhat down the road of this still have deep moments of doubt when we wonder whether we're just refusing to face a hard truth about our partners.

Bottom line, it's a shit sandwich. Here's hoping Mr ITD is for real!

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