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Living a Lie

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33years posted 1/8/2014 07:59 AM

I keep hoping I will read someone's post that fits my situation, but I haven't yet. WH & I are supposedly living in reconciliation, but it is not genuine. I am almost 60, still working and so is he but my insurance has always been through his government job. I don't want to start new at this time in my life because I am certain, it would be a drastic life style change, so I stay. I know for a fact that he is still in contact with OW but he is strictly underground now. I also believe that it is more him trying to keep the A alive than her because the time he spends with her are relatively short and she is now divorced and living in an apartment where getting time together alone would be easy, but they are not. My B suggested that I try to act normal so he doesn't suspect I know and to make him comfortable so I can prepare for life alone. I don't want life alone but he is not remorseful at all. I really would like for us to be happily married. Yesterday was my birthday and this is the first year he didn't get me a card. He says it slipped his mind. Yeah, I know where his mind is. I found a note on his phone about it being 11 months since he & OW started EA. The anniversary is probably on my birthday I know that next month (Feb) is the month they had their 1st kiss.
I really don't know the purpose of this message other than we are not in real reconciliation, just living a lie which has turned me into a liar too and I hate it. I'm sad all the time.

eachdayisvictory posted 1/8/2014 08:25 AM

I just want to send you support, empathy and hugs. My heart aches for you. What you are going through is horrible, and your H is despicable.

Get yourself to IC, get ready to live life. Don't think of it as life alone - he is not the only person on earth! You are going to live a real life filled with the discovery of you, and I bet you're a pretty great person.

I am so sorry for your pain and know it first hand. Our first weeks after discovery were filled with me taking unbelievable mental abuse from my H. Stay strong and seek support when you need it.

You are NOT alone.

33years posted 1/8/2014 08:35 AM

Thank you "eachdayisvictory" You are an encourager and I guess I just needed a bit of it today.

kiki1 posted 1/8/2014 14:05 PM


Happy Belated Birthday.

I agree with eachdayisvictory.

Prepare yourself to live the happy life you want!! Whatever that entails. Ic, volunteering, new interests or hobbies, hanging out with your friends. Make new ones if you have too.

Dont sit around and wait on him. His head is up his ass.

Time to emotionally detach. I know there was a post just yesterday on this, though i dont remember where it was. It was written by Lordhasaplan though, so you should be able to find it by looking at his profile.

Good Luck and lots of hugs 33years.

Get out there and start living!!

sisoon posted 1/8/2014 14:33 PM

You've probably got a lot of years ahead of you. You say you don't want to be alone, but aren't you pretty much alone now?

You've probably got a lot more power than you realize. Have you talked with a lawyer to see what really happens financially if you split? IIRC, you probably still have a right to some of his pension and insurance benefits, for example.

Also, if you find your power, you may also find your H may go NC, do IC, answer your questions - in short, do a real R. But if he doesn't, you'll know you can thrive on your own.

I'm not saying 'D'. I'm not even saying 'file'. I'm just saying 'find out what your rights are and figure out the pluses and minuses of D'.

You deserve better than you are allowing yourself to have. Maybe you can do a lot better than you think.

kansas1968 posted 1/8/2014 14:51 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. We had been married 33 years also when my husband started his affair. We are still together but is has been a rough ride!

Your husband sounds like he is still in the fog, and still infatuated with the OW. About the only thing that will snap them out of that is a hard 180 and your williness to let the marriage go. Even if you don't want to and would love to reconcile, he has got to believe that you are done and moving on.
See and attorney, get your financial options laid out, and then let him know you saw the attorney. If he really wants the other woman and she him then he will leave and you will be better off.
If he is just in that foggy fantasy, that mid-life crisis, then that should snap him out of if.

But you will have to be tough. Total transparency on his part. Access to all cell phones, computers, etc. No secret accounts, no secret passwords. And absolutely, NOT CONTACT with OW. He need to either call her or email her with that information and you need to be with him when he does it.

I know how horrible it is to have all of those years, all of those memories, all of those struggles, together with another person who then betrays and hurts you more than you could ever have believed possible. This is not your fault, none of it and you deserve better treatment than this. Hugs. K

marionwendy posted 1/8/2014 15:17 PM

You are not too OLD! Im only 10 yrs younger than you are and have been with my WH for 22 years. When this happens in our life we lose all of are self esteem. Im getting mine back and I will be damned if this BS of an affair is going to rob that from me! Yes we have a lot of memories... but they are not thinking in those terms when they are slutting around with another woman or man! I have come to learn that cheaters are a different breed all together. You need to start doing things for you. I know you are sad and my heart breaks for you, but start to tell yourself you deserve better! you are worthy! Don't count on him for your happiness, we make our own happiness. We know how to make the right choices, and if he is not the right choice you will know! I wish I could give you a big hug, and tell your husband what an ass he is! is !

33years posted 1/9/2014 21:15 PM

I appreciate everyone's encouragement and words of wisdom. Thank you for your support!

cardnial posted 1/9/2014 21:55 PM

I am so sorry, I know how you feel. R is so very hard but with a man who is without remorse is very painful. I am staying with my husband as well for the govt. insurance ,etc. I have gone to him a few time for comfort when I had a nightmare about him and his other women and got nothing. He said to me Oh Well!!!! now I am in IC and learning to comfort myself and love myself. You have to play the hand you were dealt, I know it's not the life you wanted nor did I. I am learning to accept what has happened and honestly I keep 1 foot out of the game just for me. I'm not jumping back into this with both feet. He cannot be trusted with my heart. He ruined a beautiful love. Are you in IC, it has really helped me and also I take antidepressants. Happy Birthday my friend, you are a beautiful person. HUGS!!

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