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Does In-House Separation Really Work?

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silentscream13 posted 1/8/2014 08:23 AM

I am still struggling with my anger and sadness over my WH's A. My WH wants to save our marriage. He wants to help me heal. I honestly still do not know if I want him or this so-called marriage anymore. I don't trust him. I have love for him, but I am not in love with him anymore. Honestly, most of the time I look at him with hate and disgust.

In order to get through most days, I just avoid the problems. Or I use sex to make him shut up about his feelings and how HIS A is hurting him. Then he cries because he says I don't even call it making love anymore. I treat him like a stranger I met in a bar and screwed. It always turns into how his feelings are hurt when he is the one who CHEATED! When I point that out he tries for awhile to focus on my feelings, but it always backslides to how HE feels.

My IC indicated that we may need to physically separate. That I will not be able to get my head on straight or heal if I am always talking to him in anger or rug-sweeping.

Unfortunately, I don't think we can afford to live apart at this time. And honestly, I have no problem living apart because I am use to it with his deployments and training. It was common for him to not around for sometimes years at a time. Due to his alcoholism and his career, I have been the sole caretaker of our home and children for the majority of our marriage.

Sorry, I am rambling. Our MC then suggested that we try in-house separation. He takes one bedroom, I take another. We try to time our days so that we have minimal interaction with one another other than the day-to-day stuff and the children.

Has anyone ever tried this? Did it help? How does it end up affecting the children?

I feel like I am going to end up in jail murdering him (just kidding...I think) if I don't deal with this anger. So, any advice would be appreciated.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/8/2014 08:54 AM

I don't understand how your counselor could think this is possibly going to help either one of you. I don't see the advantage.

Seems to be me that you've been the one doing all the work and being the responsible one while he was basically away or detached from the family since Day #1. So a house separation just means you'll continue to do everything for him like cook, clean and do his laundry. What's in it for you? I see the advantage for HIM, but not you.

If you're not working outside the home, now would be a real good time to start looking for a full time job that will support you and the kids. Maybe not in high style, but enough to get by. Honestly? I'd visit a lawyer and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of a full separation and future divorce. Alimony? Child support? It NEVER hurts to educate yourself and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of divorce.

silentscream13 posted 1/8/2014 09:02 AM

I'd visit a lawyer and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of a full separation and future divorce. Alimony? Child support? It NEVER hurts to educate yourself and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of divorce.

This is one thing I DO NOT have to worry about. I come from a family of Attorneys and Judges! I also know that with his career due to our having minor children and the length of our marriage, I will automatically get 1/2 of his retirement, alimony, 1/2 his housing allowance, and a healthy dose of child support. I am currently in college and will be graduating shortly. My college is paid for through his job and even if we D, I still will receive that money.

So, basically, he will pretty much be living on bread crumbs regardless if I am a SAHM or not.

Now that he is dry and getting help with his alcoholism, he is very helpful around the house and with the children. He is trying.

My problem is that I am so freaking angry that I am not able to have normal conversations with him unless I shut down and avoid. Since that is my "go-to" when I am hurt, my IC and our MC think that will just cause more problems down the line. Or I will end up killing the nasty SOB.

My biggest concern are my children. I don't want them living with a hostile mother, but I don't want to disrupt their lives anymore either.

silentscream13 posted 1/8/2014 10:08 AM


sparklezombie posted 1/8/2014 11:09 AM

I went through an in-house separation and it was awful for me. No kids at that time though, which was a blessing. It was our first separation and WH came home, gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and then told me to move out. I said no. He finally moved out 4 months later, but it was rough. He was already dating, going out, being an ass when he was home. I was a hot mess, crying, upset, trying to hold onto our marriage.

But that doesn't mean it couldn't work for you. Sounds like your WH wants to make things work. that's different than it was for me.

Is it possible that you don't necessarily need a separation, but that you just need some time? It takes a lot of time to heal from this and WH should understand that.

peoplepleaser posted 1/8/2014 11:18 AM

Tread carefully, silentscream13. We are in an in-house separation now and it is so difficult. WS is not completely remorseful and is blame-shifting. We did it this way because of our child and finances, but my rage increased with the close quarters separation and it eruped last night (see my other post, "Anyone ever hit WS"). Get a handle on your rage now. Work out, do the 180, go to IC--whatever you have to do. While the hitting felt good in the moment, I am utterly and truly ashamed. Our child was deeply sleeping, thank goodness. It is beneath me, and now I'm in a position to beg for her forgiveness and fear that she can take my child because of it. Worse than that, I took away any chance of her feeling safe meeting my needs of coming clean, being transparent and working on the relationship. I don't want to lose the relationship, and we've been struggling with her ability to invest in it. Now? Well...I guess I just have to sit back and see. I apologized profusely and begged her to forgive me. It was horrible. Immediately I was stunned at my behavior. She was a selfish asshole for doing what she did, and I was a raging asshole for hitting her because of it.

silentscream13 posted 1/8/2014 14:21 PM

Thank you everyone for your advice. My WH is extremely remorseful. I am the one saying ILYBINILWY. I am just so disgusted with him right now. I feel as though this roller coaster is never going to end.

Is it possible that you don't necessarily need a separation, but that you just need some time? It takes a lot of time to heal from this and WH should understand that.

This is almost exactly what our MC said. Perhaps this is the truth.

Ugh..."time" is 4-letter word to impatient people like me!

tryingagain74 posted 1/8/2014 17:29 PM

I did it for eight months, but it was truly a separation-- we were headed for D.

The only time we spent together was dinnertime with the kids and in any situations that moved our legal separation forward (meetings with the mediation attorney, an appointment at the bank to get me off of his account and open my own, discussions we had at home about the legal separation agreement so we could be ready for our next mediation appointment). Otherwise, we were like ships passing in the night. As time passed, we spent less and less time around each other, and he slept downstairs in our den on the fold-out couch and pretty much closeted himself in there at night, which gave me the rest of the house!

But, my situation was different-- the A was a dealbreaker, and R wasn't on the table. IHS is really, really hard, though. It would have been nicer if he had just moved out, but we were trying to save money. If I had to do it over again, I think I would have just kicked him out. I don't recommend in-house if you don't have to do it; it's stressful and unpleasant.

Quakingaspen posted 1/8/2014 17:52 PM

Yeah, I think in order for it to work, you both must be on the way out with an end date in mind.

I am having a very difficult time with it, partly because my WH is not remorseful and is not respectful of my space. Reminding him of the boundaries only results in a temporary change.

It is hard for the kids (mine are older) because he insists on pretending like everything is fine, even though he has gotten worse about asserting his man-privilege and disregarding what anyone else wants to do. My oldest has a very hard time focusing on what he needs to be doing because he is very resentful of WH. I think it may be helpful in the long run though, because they see that it is not working and alleviating that strain will make living apart easier for everyone.

I am working to get him out even earlier than the agreed-upon date if possible because it just makes me so mad to deal with him and keeps me from moving forward the way I want to. In the meantime, I make plans outside the house as much as possible.

silentscream13 posted 1/8/2014 18:32 PM

Yeah, I think in order for it to work, you both must be on the way out with an end date in mind.

I was worried about that. He does not want to move out or D. He wants to "save" our marriage.

I don't know what I want. I am still in the "trying to figure out where to bury the body" stage.

I also don't want to make it hard on my children. They are young and it would be unfair to them.

I am wondering if the best approach is to just make sure I have time away from him when he is home. Thankfully I have 2 night classes this semester, so that will free me from him a few times a week in the evening!

mandan66 posted 1/8/2014 18:58 PM

I will echo what a couple of the others said: INHS is really, really hard. We did it for 6 months, for the kids and finances, and if I were to get a do-over, I would have just kicked her butt out immediately, esp. after the ILYBINILWY speech (its amazing how these cheaters never have an original thought in their heads!). But, like an earlier poster, I was a hot mess also and desperate to save the marriage.
I have since discovered that children will take things quite well, as long as it is presented to them in calm and rational manner. Of course they aren't wild about their parents separating, but they bounce back quickly, as long as they feel and understand their basic needs are going to be met.
I say all this, but my circumstances were different; my XWS was basically regretful, but even to this day, no remorse.
Good luck!

2goodannie posted 1/8/2014 21:54 PM

It is painful. My DDay was in October and we have been living together the entire time. He has been in the guest bedroom, but we still function "some-what" as a family for the kids. They know that Dad is downstairs, because we are working things out. If I had to do over, I would kick him out. There is no escape when he is in the house. I have to look at the spear that has caused so, so much pain. I feel like I go to work and then come home and have to work some more...there is no safe place. He keeps telling me that it would be easier for him to go, but he stays so that he can see the pain he has caused, blah, blah...What a big man! So, glad that you are thinking of me now, but not before! He hasn't been honest about the OW and what I thought was a year long affair, has turned into having contact for 4 years! I really thought I would be a better place by now or at least feeling some acceptance of the situation, but I am no where there. Last night, I was crawling out of my skin, thinking of all the shit he has brought to our family. I am leaving this weekend just to get away and catch my breath and make some serious decisions about the future. Silent,how are you having sex with him? Have you been tested for STDs yet? I can barely give the guy a hug or allow him to touch me!

doggiediva posted 1/8/2014 23:16 PM

I hate in-house separation..

I want my own space, one where I can invite my friends and family..

I don't invite them where I live now, INHS because WH is always there..

I don't like the feelings of shame and tension I get when he is home..

Another thing I really hate is that I have little privacy for expressing my emotions...

If I am about to cry, I don't want WH to see me cry, so I have to go back to my bedroom..

IMHO it is a struggle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:18 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

silentscream13 posted 1/9/2014 08:01 AM

Silent,how are you having sex with him? Have you been tested for STDs yet? I can barely give the guy a hug or allow him to touch me!

There are many times I don't want him to touch me either. I caught him and the whore before they could go through with their plans to meet up. It was a short online affair. Still horrifically hurtful. They were making plans to "hook up." If he would have gone through with it, I can honestly say that it would be over. I know some people can forgive that. I am jealous of them for their strong souls and hearts. I know that for me, if he would have went through with having sex with her, it would have been an automatic D.

I am honestly surprised that I am still here. This was always a major deal breaker for me. Yet here I am...sitting on the fence.

So, to stop the rambling and get to the point, I think some of my ability to have sex with him is that we have been more open about our wants and needs regarding sex.

He always thought I did not like sex. I just didn't like having sex with someone who was slobbering drunk every night. I love sex. His new sobriety is also helping in that department.

I think sometimes it is the "hysterical bonding" that I've read about. Usually this is after we have a big blow-out. It's like make-up sex without really making up.

I also think (and I know this sounds cave-womanish) that I am "marking my territory" so to speak. And to shove it in his face that he threw away this fun for some online self-gratification. And to remind him that "Guess what...someone else, someday will not get to enjoy it since you felt you decided to throw away almost 18 years and tried to get it somewhere else."

Mainly, though, I am VERY good at compartmentalizing. When we have sex, I just pretend he is a one night stand. I turn off my brain so thoughts of him and the whore do not intrude and just enjoy my own pleasure.

I find it funny that, according to all the books I've been reading lately, I should have been the WS. I was the more promiscuous one before we met. I am the one that is great at compartmentalizing. I am the one who was neglected in our marriage. Yet, I AM the ONE who stayed faithful!

I don't know if any of this makes sense. This is just the crazy workings of my betrayed brain working right now. Needless to say, that is how I am still able to have sex with him.

silentscream13 posted 1/9/2014 08:03 AM

Oh! And even though I do want to believe WS did not have sex with the OW, since it lasted a week and the whore lives several states, I still got tested for STDs. I wasn't going to take any chances nor believe him. Just thought I should answer that question!

2goodannie posted 1/9/2014 16:48 PM

More power to you! I love the way you are being in charge and calling the shots. These affairs can make you feel pretty helpless.

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