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Kissing, can't do it anymore :(

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2married2quit posted 1/8/2014 08:42 AM

So one of the main things she did with OM was make out. I find myself having a hard time making out with my wife. DDAY was June 2012 and I still have problems with it. I kiss her a few times and then something just pulls me away. I start getting feelings of resentment and just pull away. The only time is during sex but the kissing is basically by default in the heat of the moment.

I don't go around thinking about it all the time or anything, but kissing just does it for me. I hate it because as a couple, a good kissing session or make out is always good. Now I miss it. I can't do it without these feelings.

I wish I could tell her but that will pull her away from me even more. :(

MindMonkey posted 1/8/2014 09:33 AM

I was there too. Even though my W did screw OM#2, the making out in particular bothered me more in a way. The sex only happened when she was drunk and he took advantage of her (IMO). But the making out she was shameless about. She also convinced me that the sex was bad but she never once implied she didn't enjoy the kissing with OM. I'm reluctant to ask, afraid of the answer.

For the first few months I couldn't at all, then I could but only if I had a few drinks in me. Lately though, as I've stopped drinking for the most part, it's become more difficult again.

atsenaotie posted 1/8/2014 09:33 AM

I wish I could tell her but that will pull her away from me even more. :(

It is hard (not possible?) to have an intimate and authentic relationship with someone we cannot be open and honest with. Putting the relationship ahead of your feelings and needs is the beginning of co-dependency. You sharing a painful truth should draw the two of you closer together. If she is going to step back each time you express disagreement or concern, then she is not ready to R.

While you can share your feelings with her, this is your issue to address. She cannot go back and un-kiss the OM. If kissing is important to you, then you need to work through this and get to acceptance. The truth is she probably kissed a lot of people before you, so the issue here is the kissing representing the betrayal. At just 18 months out from dday, it is not unusual that you are not yet at full acceptance and healed form her betrayal.

Kissing can be more intimate than other sexual acts. I wonder if a part of your reaction is in response to your subconsciously (or consciously) realizing that your WW is not yet fully open and engaged with you in the relationship?


2married2quit posted 1/8/2014 10:17 AM

atsenaotie - Kissing was a big deal for us. I was her first and only kiss. She learned how to kiss with me. I felt honored to be the only man that felt her lips and got that view of her so close. We used to be proud of that. Now it's hurt.

stunnedin12 posted 1/8/2014 10:29 AM

Eh, I was just thinking the other day that I miss kissing wh. I just can't, yet. I'm hoping that as we slog through this mess that the kissing will come back. I know he has noticed (obviously) but eh. We haven't talked about it. Part of me wants him to bring it up. Probably not the wisest course of action.

Kyrie posted 1/8/2014 10:34 AM

Thank you, atsenaotie, for this insightful response. You put words to my thoughts. I had the same reaction to kissing, 2married2quit. But I'm learning that whenever I am having a hard time with anything, I have to lean into my husband with it. It's honest, transparent and intimate to do that - and it's all the things I want from him. The betrayal certainly throws you into a sort of hyper-protective mode. So opening yourself up to the betrayer is completely at odds with what your instincts tell you. It's so difficult to bypass your internal warning system. But the only thing wishing does is relieve you from pushing past your fears. It locks you in and keeps you stuck. And it accomplishes nothing, except for maintaining a disconnect between you and your spouse.

By being honest with my husband about my feelings, I am giving him the opportunity to respond -- and thank God, he continues to respond with love and acceptance. When he does this, and we connect, I find I want to be affectionate with him. And surprisingly, that seems to silence the alarm bells.

bionicgal posted 1/8/2014 10:44 AM

You have to vulnerable. It sucks, but it is the only way through (assuming you have a remorseful spouse.)

2married2quit posted 1/8/2014 10:48 AM

Well I did tell her about it and she was sad about it. I can tell by her tone because she's not the greatest at expressing her feelings. She's kept clear of kissing me other than a peck when coming home or leaving.

I guess my fear is more based on the trauma that happened. It is part of the anxiety that you're loosing your mate and someone else is filling in the need. So I feel like I should get over my fear/trauma and make out with her. Well, easier said than done. I need time to heal. My bigger fear is that we will never regain our kissing.

2married2quit posted 1/8/2014 10:49 AM

bionicgal - Great to hear from you. Hope all is well with you and your marriage.

atsenaotie posted 1/8/2014 11:04 AM


I can tell by her tone because she's not the greatest at expressing her feelings.

She needs to own this and work on this for the M to thrive. This is one of FWW's issues, it was just brought up again in MC (really her IC, but she wants me along). While on the surface we seem to be OK, when the IC helps to facilitate issues I can still see the very deep dysfunction in how she perceives and processes our relationship. Until FWW gets to a point where she can let go of shame, acknowledge (not necessarily agree with) my feelings and advocate for herself, our M will be roommates not spouses.

Still, reclaiming kissing as an activity is on you to work through. I understand this is easier typed than done, as I still struggle with things FWW did (or I presume that she did) with OM and things we do or do not do together now.

Kyrie posted 1/8/2014 11:08 AM

2married2quit, I hear you. You have been traumatized for sure. The whole situation is just so sad. And you can't just get over it. Healing takes a long time. But you will heal in one way or another. Things will continue to change. I hope you'll be kind to yourself as they do.

stunnedin12 posted 1/8/2014 11:53 AM

It is part of the anxiety that you're loosing your mate and someone else is filling in the need.

Oh, wow - this is so true.

Wh asked me something the other day about a trigger and I told him that that particular trigger had more to do with the fact that chickie was the one putting a smile on his face and that he was the one not letting ME put a smile on his face. Someone else was his emotional booster.

sisoon posted 1/8/2014 14:18 PM

My experience is different from yours and atsena's but I agree with atsena on his 2 major points.

This is your problem to fix - and there are many potential solutions.

To R successfully, you've got to be able to bring up any issue with your W, if only because issues keep coming up. I think you need to bring this up BECAUSE you fear the outcome of doing so. But if your W is going to pull away when you bring up a painful issue, what good is she to you?

Of course, if you solve this real fast, it'll no longer be an issue you need to discuss.

I agree with this, too - much easier written than done.

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