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Tough Day - Good Ending

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bionicgal posted 1/8/2014 08:44 AM

Just wanted to share that yesterday was a tough one -- H and I had started discussing one very painful part of the affair the night before, that I am having trouble getting resolution on. I tend to analyze things when I can't get at my feelings, which is not at all how Mr Bionicgal processes things, so he constantly feels like he is failing some kind of test, which leads him to feeling sort of picked apart. Anyway, it led to an argument we have had more than once, and a lot of bad feelings. I was mad for hours yesterday -- simply furious. I don't think I have felt that angry for that long before.(I tend to flare up and die down pretty quickly.) It was exhausting.

Anyway, we got to some sort of resolution last night, and got to some of the hurt underneath the anger (and I shed quite a few tears.) And then, I told him that when we fight like that, it makes me really lonely, because he is my best friend.

And that is when I realized it - he sort of feels like my best friend again. And then of course, I got sad for the last 6-9 months, when he really didn't. But, I think it shows that forgiveness is creeping in, at least around the edges. Would I have felt that way without the pain of yesterday? I don't know.

Just thought I'd share.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:09 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

creativecat posted 1/8/2014 09:29 AM

Good to hear...we need those stories shared! Those tough talks are ending better and better around here, too.

Morhurt posted 1/8/2014 09:58 AM

I'm glad you had that good feeling at the end. It's like a heavy weight being lifted off, isn't it?

My H was saying last night that sometimes I need to really lose it and break down for him to fully see and understand the depth of my pain. It's hard. I want him to see it always and never forget it without me having to go to the dark scary place.

But it often does end with that similar feeling of peace and being understood.

My IC says there can be no spring without the dark days of winter.

blakesteele posted 1/8/2014 10:22 AM

Morning Bionicgal.

Good post....captures much of the way this whole process plays out.....tough to the point of feeling impossible, then small changes resulting in forward progress.

I tend to analyze things when I can't get at my feelings

This spoke to me. I think I do this same thing....think it might be one of the drivers to my 20 plus books reaad in 17 months. Before this I would read maybe 5 books in that same time period. Will think on this a bit.....thanks.

I think it shows that forgiveness is creeping in

"Forgiveness as a whisper..." I remember writing this in the post when I realized I had forgiven my wife.

I read several books specifically on forgiveness....the various types, how to get there, what it is about etc..

I finished those books....still no forgiveness in my heart.

I continued to pray God would open my heart to forgiveness.....

It just wasnt happening for me...and I was trying everything!

then.......i felt......different. I was feeling, not analyzing at this point in the process of forgiving. I challenged myself on what I was feeling....testing myself really.

At first I felt could this be forgiveness? I wasnt even working directly on that "task". I must be rug sweeping, because I wasnt actively seeking answers and tips on how to way could I do this, I must be ignoring something, rug sweeping.

For 2 weeks I felt this change.

For another 2 weeks I sat with it.

Finally, I realized I had forgiven my wife. God was instrumental in my journey, as was the analyzing efforts a few months earlier....but the actual path to forgiveness? I can't explain how I got there...only that I did....and forgiveness was achieved in a very quiet manner for me.

It was anticlimatic. It failed to meet my expectations. I expected huge fan-fare....maybe a nice dinner out to tell my wife I had forgiven her. It was none of that. I just told her casually but intentionally after work one day....that was it.

My pain and sorrow and anger were still present...but forgiveness had occurred. The whole situation was different....the trial of adultery had changed.

Forgiveness was not a fix-all...and part of me thought it would be. But I dont think any one process we are going through is a fix-all. Each completed process rolls into the bigger process off learning to R.

I am not even sure if this "big picture process" is ever intended to end. Kind of feel that is a mistake of my think we were married and that is for life...end of story, end of inputs and intentionality.

Regardless....this post of yours bionicgal just confirms that which I already noticed.

You and Mr. Bionicgal are solidly into R. I have enjoyed your posts and will continue to follow and pray for your guys.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:27 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 1/8/2014 10:39 AM

Thanks, everyone.

Blakesteele - have you ever done the Myers-Briggs personality profile? My H and I have both done it, and it really helped me see how differently we process things. We are both rational people (not big feeling people, which was part of Mr. Bionicgal's ineptitude when he went sliding down the slippery slope with someone who is all feelings, but I digress) and he is an extrovert while I am an introvert.

But, our biggest difference is in how we relate to ideas and problem solving. I try ideas out -- look at things one way, then another. I can be pretty empathetic because I have no problems seeing things from multiple points of view, and I, in fact, really enjoy thinking about things and all the possibilities. Mr. Bionicgal is a thinker, but he is also far, far more linear. He is thoughtful, but trying to keep up with my thinking, especially when it is emotionally loaded stuff, is very hard for him, and puts him in a bad spot emotionally. In the past I have interpreted his inability to not "go along for the ride" as not caring, or not being engaged with my pain. But, the truth is, he simply can't sometimes, unless he is well-rested and feeling sharp. It is like mental gymnastics for him -- not natural.

(I should also say that I am a little underdeveloped in the feeling area, which is why I default to thinking about things rather than feeling them. . . but, I digress again.)

Anyway, it is an interesting test that you can give as much merit as you want. It has been useful for us to see and appreciate our differences and similarities. It can be pretty entertaining as well, to see yourself captured pretty well by a category/subtype!

Here is a link to an online test for anyone who might be interested:

There are lots of sites about it, and you can even see how well your subtype meshes with your partners, and what the challenges might be.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:42 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 1/8/2014 11:11 AM

No coincidences...that is my current theory on lifes-journey.

I took this test about a year ago as part of a church study...took a spiritual gifts test too.

I am an ENTJ has helped me understand myself better.

Thanks for the tip....I took it again just now...same results.

Think that is part of me fact-checking and confirming-results for their validity?!?!?

God is with us all.

bionicgal posted 1/8/2014 14:52 PM

Mr. Bionicgal is also an ENTJ.

I am an INTP -- it is the J vs P thing that gets us sometimes!

OnAnIsland posted 1/8/2014 15:46 PM

Glad to hear that you are feeling better and moved some tough stuff. Hope the roller coaster gives you a bit of a break.

AndreaL posted 1/8/2014 16:07 PM

Stories like this make me smile. Gives me a little hope that maybe my WS and myself can move on....just maybe.

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