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He wanted to get caught or just didn't care?

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Siouxsie posted 1/8/2014 10:56 AM

I posted my full story in an earlier post, but to summarize: WH was living 4 hours away for work and I was able to ascertain he was having an A by following his Instagram. The OW was constantly posting flirting comments so I would then follow her, and the whole affair became clear. He had always tried to say she was "just a friend with a crush on [him]."

He knew I knew about their relationship bc I told him that my friends who were following him became concerned about this girl that was a constant presence and always out of line considering he was married.

So my question is: since he did not try to curtail her flirting or commenting, and didn't prevent her from posting photo proof of their physical interactions, did he want to get caught? Did he want to end the relationship with me but didn't have the ability to say the words so wanted me to piece it together? Or did he really think that public online photos were too "difficult" for me to access and I wouldn't put it together? Sometimes I wonder if he never actually wanted to be with OW, he wanted her on the side and only went to her because I found out his big secret and he's too big of a coward to face me about it. In his youth he would kiss other girls behind his then girlfriends' backs and never left them because they had no idea cheating was going on, kissed girls that he didn't even care about.

I'm very stuck on this, I have to ruminate over everything with zero answers because when I called out the A, he vanished out of my life. He's just gone. He's moved and I don't know where he lives. Changed his phone. Sorry my thoughts are scatterbrained; I guess it's a testament to the inside of my head for the time being.

Skan posted 1/8/2014 12:42 PM

It's possible. It's possible that he meant this to be an exit affair. It's possible that it was just an extension of his proven track record of poor boundaries and cheating. It's possible that he just didn't give a damn because he felt entitled to do what he did.

The point is, does it really matter, in the end?

He's shown you who he is, a cowardly backstabber. He did what he wanted to do, with no regard for you, and when he got caught, he rabbited. He's out of the picture and has cut all ties with you. And you're left to pick up the pieces.

This is so hard, I'm so sorry. This is a time that you have to work on you on letting him go and on remembering the remarkable person that YOU are. You need to be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You aren't broken, just bent a little bit. Take the focus off of him he's not worth the mind-space. Put it solely on you and day by day, what you need to get a little stronger each day. (((hugs)))

million tears posted 1/8/2014 12:44 PM

Our MC said WH wanted to get caught.

Siouxsie posted 1/8/2014 12:57 PM

Million tears-- was he acting similar in not hiding what was going on? What is your status now with him? Did he fully leave you for the OP?

scarednbroken posted 1/10/2014 18:50 PM

My WH seemed to want to get caught but wants me to fight to keep him. It's ego boosting. At some point you have to decide - is it worth the fight? Is the demoralizing of your self esteem worth raising his? He gets boosts from the OW telling him she wants him. Another boost from his spouse fighting for the marriage. And voila he has two or more women fighting over him. Dream come true. Caveman style.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/11/2014 05:43 AM

Siouxsie, having read infidelity boards and stories like this for over 15 years, this sounds like the classic cheating married man who doesn't have the guts to leave his marriage on his steam, and was hoping you'd boot his ass out.

He obviously didn't have the guts to approach you and tell you he wanted out of the marriage, so he used this cowardly and disgusting exit affair to do his talking for him.

I'm sorry you've been left to clean up the pieces of the horrific mess he made with his cowardice.

Siouxsie posted 1/11/2014 12:14 PM

So I'm guessing that the two times he's contacted me since to say he thinks about me daily, his life is bad and getting worse, he loves me, he misses me...were only to mess with my head?

The confusing part to me was after d day, I said I would leave since he had something going with her. He was crying, crying, refusing to let that happen.

If he truly no longer loved me or wanted to be with me, and be with OW, I can't seem to reconcile in my head how he was cheating on her for so long. In my mind if you are married but meet someone else that's wonderful and you want to be with them, you go be with them. You don't start that relationship off with lies and cheating. What kind of foundation is that?

And probably like many others on here, I desperately hope he will cheat on OW and blow that relationship up as well. He and I were great until I stood up for myself and my career, not simply succumbing to what he wanted. There has to be a point where he crosses that bridge with every woman.

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