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Semantics

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Whalers11 posted 1/8/2014 12:14 PM

Not sure why this popped into my head today, but it's got me all fired up... I'm angry all over again.

Before I had proof of his cheating, I did confront because I was suspicious.

At one point in time, I asked him to look me in the eyes and swear on the life of his uncle (someone he greatly looked up to and was very close to) that he hadn't slept with OW. He looked at me and said "Whalers, I swear on the life of (uncle's name) I never slept with OW."

I didn't know it then, but he was playing the semantics game with me. He had fucked her multiple times by then, but he was never away from home overnight...so he never had closed his eyes and fell asleep next to her. So despite the fact we both knew what I meant by "sleep with" he decided to take it literally and therefore, he didn't technically lie about it.

I don't for one second doubt he would have lied anyway even if I had worded the question differently. But he knew I would believe him if he swore on his uncle, because he's always been honest when he's done that.

I still very clearly remember the look, tone of his voice, mannerisms during the conversation. I let it go, but I think that was the point where I really started to feel like he was behaving like a stranger.

It was the first of many, many lies as answers to direct questions. Just glad that's not my life anymore.

million tears posted 1/8/2014 12:18 PM

((((Whalers11)))

My WH pinky promised me and also swore on our son's life.

"sleep with" how ridiculous. He knew what you meant.

GabyBaby posted 1/8/2014 12:21 PM

XWH was a semantics jockey too.
I learned over years of his idiot behavior to be VERY specific with my questions in order to get a half decent response.
Then of course he just outright lied instead.

ETA: One example of his semantics games:
"I worked late"
Translation: I worked 5 minutes over, then went to OW's house for the other 2 hours.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:22 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

No12turn2 posted 1/8/2014 12:23 PM

Oh yes, I get this as well. Most recently...

WS: I didn't lie, I haven't contacted him

ME: You sent him this text message?!?!?

WS: Yeah, but he never responded

meplusfour posted 1/8/2014 12:29 PM

My fWH tried to play word games with me once. Shortly after D-Day, when I was still in discovery mode, I asked if he had taken OW on any trips (business or otherwise) with him. He initially answered no but had an odd look on his face. After some further questioning, he said that he had not taken her on a business trip, but on two occasions, she had shown up at the airport with a ticket for the same flight he was on. She had paid for her own ticket and she had planned it as a surprise. So in his deluded mind, he had not "taken" her on any trips although he had paid for her meals and she had stayed in his hotel room.

Needless to say, I blasted him. He knew exactly what I was asking. I also clearly stated that if he was going to play word games and not answer questions honestly, completely and fully, I would file and he could answer the same questions in the discovery process, under oath, with counsel and myself present and a court reporter transcribing his answers. He (as far as I know) has not played word games with me since.

I believe that it is this type of thinking that allows waywards to justify their own actions to themselves and allow them to continue with their A. By making inconsequential distinctions about what happened, allows them to tell themselves that what they are doing is not as bad as it seems and to avoid the realization that there are real consequences to their acts.

seenow posted 1/8/2014 13:21 PM

I think this is just another way of blame shifting. Now it is our job to ask the right/specific question to get the truth rather than them being honest. It is crazy making.

hikingwithkoda posted 1/8/2014 13:58 PM

In the first few days after D-day, mine tried this as well. I was astonished that she left me home with our D to go "Xmas shopping" and hook up in his car. Astonished that she could look me (and her daughter) in the eye and lie so coldly. Her initial response, (which, to her credit, she quickly took back and apologized sincerely for) was, "but I did go shopping." As in, she did both, so it wasn't a lie..

That was the only time in this entire fiasco I felt angry enough to actually hurt someone. I didn't, thank God, but I could not believe she was playing semantics in those first agonizing days.

Butterfly7904 posted 1/8/2014 14:03 PM

I asked my WH 10days before DDay if there was someone else he was interested in or seeing and he looked me in the eye and swore on our childrens lives there wasn't. Now he wonders why I am having such a hard time learning to trust him again.

Dreamland posted 1/8/2014 14:26 PM

Oh yes they seem to be so good at saying certain words to have exits. But I am too smart for that since I throw the words back and then play his game better. He hates it and starts telling me I'm playing with words.
Unfortunately it really gets us no where..

cl131716 posted 1/8/2014 14:36 PM

Oh goodness yes, it's all about what you ask! Forever he would just blurt out "I never physically or emotionally cheated!" I guess he thought he was telling the truth because there were no emotions and only sex is being physical. He wasn't cheating according to his definition so there was nothing to tell!

Rebreather posted 1/8/2014 14:45 PM

Yes, I recall asking questions with every conceivable twist to them, to ensure he wasn't word-smithing his way out. The good part, is he isn't very good with words. But it was very scary nonetheless. He certainly lied to me in the early days after dday.

cancuncrushed posted 1/8/2014 14:45 PM

this was exhausting. I would have to ask the same question 8 different ways. ANd when I would confront him about his semantics, he would say "What?". This was a large part of causing my crazy. It was munipulation.

I finally would offer one chance, one question at a time, and if he didnt answer like an adult, I would walk away. I was done.

He could have answered these questions. He was stalling, hoping I would give up in frustration. It became a childish battle of wills. It was a game I was not up for, infidelity is soul crushing. I could not continue this.

I have been married now, for 30 yrs. It took this experience for me to see how munipulative my H is. I think it worsened with the fear of divorce. But looking back at history, I think he was munipulative when he chose to be. Not often, just when it suited him. I was not aware. Its not attractive.

Nature_Girl posted 1/8/2014 14:50 PM

My ex (oh how I love being able to call him my ex!) swore on his mother's grave, on our children's lives, and would scream for God to strike him dead/lightning to strike him dead if he was lying. Riiiiiiiiiiiight...

Me: You reek of perfume. It's so strong my eyes are burning.
Kids: Yeah, Dad! You smell!

Ex: No I don't!

Me +3: YES YOU DO!

Ex: Well, there was this one woman at my meeting who sat too close to me. Maybe my clothes absorbed her perfume.

Me: Oh please, am I that stupid now?

Ex runs upstairs & jumps in shower fully clothed...

Simple posted 1/8/2014 14:57 PM

Semantics is merely a tool in a manipulative person's arsenal. Redirection is another, so is blame-shifting, so is self-pity, etc.

Been there, done that. In my case, I never let it up on my FWH. When he said he wanted to commit suicide, I told him that's a selfish action just like adultery, plus all the money in life insurance, the kids won't even have cause you're that selfish. When he keeps blabbing about how he was lied to by one of the OW is, trying to bond by mutual hatred with OW, I say, well you fell for it. When I tell him that he's not being completely honest and he redirects by how I was not honest in a certain situation, I tell him that he's being manipulative by redirecting me and not answering the question.

Every now and then he catches himself and I think since all the work and current work we're doing in R, he's realized how his charming self can be very manipulative and self-serving. He's sometimes gone to the extent where he's brutally honest because he's afraid to be that person that he was before.

I'm sorry that your wayward didn't learn to grow up and be a better person.

All I can say is I understand your experience!

myowndystopia posted 1/8/2014 16:54 PM

Totally understand the semantics game! I've seen my WH do it to other people quite a few times! So when he said "I can assure you I am not seeing someone else right now"- my interpretation of course was..... It's just the 2 of us in this room right now so no I am not seeing anyone else at this VERY moment! Of course I believe nothing that comes out of his mouth at this time.

loveisareddress posted 1/10/2014 17:24 PM

Semantics.

Spit.

Mine should have been a lawyer.

I hate semantics!

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