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What do you tell outsiders?

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Jovie posted 1/8/2014 12:55 PM

This is sort of a spin-off from my post yesterday.

Only me, H and the OP know about my affair, but since OP also participated in the same fitness activity as me, I haven't been back to the activity since DDay (which was less than a month ago).

Several people from my gym that I work out with regularly have asked me where I've been, and I just got a message from the main coach/owner asking where I've been. I've been able to put it off with the holidays etc, but at this point, I don't know what to say. Generic "I'm dealing with some personal issues so I'm unable to come back at this time"? He knows I was passionate about it, so I don't think just saying I'm quitting for no reason would be believable and he may ask follow up questions. Should I just ignore? Something else?

~I'm editing my original post to keep the focus on my real question.~

[This message edited by Jovie at 1:11 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

JustDesserts posted 1/8/2014 12:59 PM

In my recovery from alcohol and drugs, they said to completely change people, places & things. I did, including a sport I LOVE, for the first 7 years of my recovery.

When I was safe, I went back. Are you safe? Is your BEtrayed spouse safe?


Jovie posted 1/8/2014 13:03 PM

Are you safe? Is your BEtrayed spouse safe?

I believe I'm safe from straying. My spouse does not feel safe. So I will not be going back unless and until he tells me he feels comfortable. And I don't plan on asking him, I'll wait for him to tell me.

But I still have to somehow deal with the questions from my old friends in the short-term.

Prayingforhope posted 1/8/2014 13:07 PM

I don't know why I care so much, but part of me is still holding out a tiny bit of hope that I'll be able to return someday.

Hope like that will work directly against any chance of R in my opinion. Life is upside down for your BS right now and ANY holding on to the past - behaviors, hangouts, friends, accounts, cell phones, - that involved the OP is impossible.

Everything will be a trigger to your BS and this one - the same gym as the OP - has bad news written all over it.

If you hope for R, cut off that gym as fast as possible, cut if off forever and make the point to your BS that it is gone, part of the past, because you are SERIOUS about R.

I WISH I would have been more proactive in this way with my BS...Good luck!

DeadMumWalking posted 1/8/2014 13:36 PM

How does BH think you should handle this? I think you two should be working as a team on these kinds of issues.


Jovie posted 1/8/2014 13:49 PM

How does BH think you should handle this? I think you two should be working as a team on these kinds of issues.

I really want to ask him what he thinks, but I'm worried that 1 - it will upset him, 2 - that he will be annoyed that it seems like I care what they think (I'm trying to come terms that I will never see these people again, so I'm trying to not care, I just want it to go as smoothly as possible so I don't have to deal with any more questions and concerns from people!), and 3 - that he will just throw it in my face and say its my problem to deal with (in which case I would feel stupid bringing it up and causing a rift when I could have just handled it myself).

But I think I may bring it up later just as an FYI to him and see how he reacts. If I don't get good feedback on how he wants me to handle it, I'll just go with my original vague response.

[This message edited by Jovie at 1:51 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

longroadhome posted 1/8/2014 16:48 PM

People can ask any questions they are not obligated to answer. You have personal things going on and can't come back until further notice. The end.

Your BS feeling safe MUST be the priority.

Yakamishi posted 1/8/2014 19:06 PM

BH here. No stop sign so...

Dear God woman, ask him! I would pay good money for my WW to ask ANYTHING affair related to me. It would only show that A) you care what he thinks and B)the A is not just a distant memory to you.

If you're worried about "bringing up the affair" to him...Trust me. The affair is already on his mind.

I said this to my WW last week. She had observed that I hadn't brought up the affair in a few a days. She asked me if I was moving on so to speak. I told her that just because I'm not discussing it with her doesn't mean it's not in my head or on my mind. Kinda like "Just because you walk out of the theater doesn't mean the movie all of a sudden stops playing."

For me...the movie is always playing.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/9/2014 02:04 AM

But I think I may bring it up later just as an FYI to him and see how he reacts. If I don't get good feedback on how he wants me to handle it, I'll just go with my original vague response.

How about instead of this, you discuss the matter with him. You could open the discussion by saying something like:

'When would be a good time to discuss an issue that's come up?'

Assuming it's now, or he asks what is is, then:

'I've been asked a few times about why I haven't been to the gym. And I realized that I'm not sure how to respond to this in a way that helps you to feel safe. I was thinking of saying (blah blah). Do you feel comfortable with that? Or would you prefer something different?

I'm so sorry for the additional pain I am causing, and I know that it is only due to my own actions that this has even come up. I don't want to make things worse for you, which is why I wanted to find out what how you feel about this.'

Or something like that in your own words. The important points are that you let him know this is going on (so he doesn't find out about it later and feel like he's being made into a fool or come to the conclusion that you are hiding more things from him), you are accepting responsibility for your actions and for having caused his pain and this situation in the first place, you are leaving your own insecurities out of it and focusing on how to inflict the least additional pain for BH, and that your only concern is how he feels about it.

I hope that together, you will be able to come up with a plan that he is comfortable with and that you will feel confident in being able to execute.

btw, are you in MC? Because it looks like you could use some help in open communication. You took out your list of predictions about how he might feel/react, but that is what I was referring to when I said 'insecurities' up above. This kind of anxiety, bordering on obsession, will not help you to communicate open, honest, simple, clear messages. But you are really going to need that to help BH.

Kap12 posted 1/9/2014 20:04 PM

Outside of my BS and best friend and of course OM and now his SO know about the affair. Needless to say I am not the same person and my co-workers and family members are concerned why there has been such a drastic change. All I can say to them is everything will be ok or at least I hope so.

Jovie posted 1/10/2014 07:58 AM

I just wanted to update...

I was waiting to respond to the message I had received but before I could bring it up, BS saw it and became upset. After the anger calmed down, the next day I told him how I had been dealing with the questions from others so far and that I was somewhat scared to bring it up to him because I didn't want to upset him, but that I do want him to be comfortable with whatever I say. It was a very positive discussion. And I'm officially no longer a member of the gym.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/10/2014 09:10 AM

Jovie, this is great that you were able to discuss it with BH. I think that it will also relieve him that you have cancelled membership at the gym.

I hope that you are able to build on this positive experience.

imaf posted 1/10/2014 13:36 PM

posted on wrong post

[This message edited by imaf at 1:37 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

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