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Kap12 posted 1/8/2014 13:31 PM

So my BS contacted and told the significant other of the OM I had the affair with. I feel horrible that I have hurt so many people. Living in the moment really sucks later down the road. How could I possibly do this? This isn't who I am really? I am questioning my whole life right now.

WS how did you feel when this happened to you? What helped you get through?

kmom2662 posted 1/8/2014 13:55 PM

This just happened to me last week. It was awful, brought up all of the emotions that had started to calm down a little from 3 months ago. I actually wanted to write an email of apology to her, but H convinced me that it would probably just make her more angry, so I didn't .

Jovie posted 1/8/2014 14:02 PM


My H has threatened this many times since DDay (it's been less than a month for us). He said he wants to bc he wants someone else to feel the pain that he is feeling. But ultimately decides it probably wouldn't make him feel much better.

How could I possibly do this? This isn't who I am really?

I've had similar feelings. I can only take it day by day and hope that things get better with dedication and time. Are you in IC?

Kap12 posted 1/8/2014 14:18 PM

Thanks, not in IC yet and we start MC tonight. I feel horrible and just want to focus on moving past this and making the rest of my life better.

Wayflost posted 1/8/2014 16:06 PM

My BH had me write the OMs BWs. Every letter I wrote (still very close to DDay) lead to another round of angry, bitter words. It was almost worse than telling my own BH. It felt very much like I was being shamed. In MC he said that he felt very strongly that these women deserved to know the truth. I agreed. So I wrote. It sucked. It made him angry to see what I had written.

With every letter I wrote my own feelings of self-hatred grew. The last one I wrote took me three hours (for three paragraphs) because I kept getting physically ill. I still do when my BH starts in on one of his angry rants. I'm exhausted (have nearly stopped sleeping), am anxious (everything makes me jump), and on the brink of tears constantly. I guess that means I'm overwhelmed.

I too take every day one minute at a time.

regret12 posted 1/8/2014 16:12 PM

When my BS contacted the OM's W, she wasn't surprised. They were in the process of separating/divorcing and she basically told him "I don't need this s#$%, take care of it." My BS wrote her a letter and the OM told me that his W brought it too him and he read it to me. I was really upset with my H at the time and mad that he did it. I understand that now. If he had confronted the OM directly then what? Fight? Arrest? Worse?

He felt that he had to do something to get back at me/the OM. He now feels that that was the "cowardly" way of doing it and wishes he had confronted the OM directly. But I think that's because they were already splitting and she didn't care.

It sucks and I'm sorry you are going though this. There is just nothing about any of this that doesn't suck. For us WS and our BS. :(

Kap12 posted 1/8/2014 16:29 PM

Wayflost--I can totally relate. I am a mess. Sleep very little eat very little and feel myself slipping away. I can barely function at work. I know I deserve to feel bad for he pain I caused my BS but man I have never felt this low and I have some real bad things in my life. Hope is all I have to hold on to .

authenticnow posted 1/8/2014 16:29 PM

Many believe that it is the AP's BS's right to know. Whatever the BS needs to do, for whatever reason, is what should be respected, IMO.

My BH didn't want to tell OM's W. He threatened the OM with it, figuring he'd use it to hang over his head. He told him if he contacts me again he will tell. He never did.

I think it's important to understand where the BS is coming from and anger directed towards him/her isn't appropriate.

Like someone said, this all sucks. The fallout from our actions is seemingly never ending. We (no pun intended) made our own beds. The AP's BS isn't suffering because our spouse is telling, they are suffering because of our (and our AP's actions). I think compassion for the BSs in these situations is where we need to be putting our focus.

Kap12 posted 1/8/2014 16:31 PM

Refret12- my BS said he did it because he felt she had a right to know. I agree but it just brings all the emotions back. I have a long road ahead of me and I know there will be ups and downs. Just hoping one day I can be the person I know I can be.

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