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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: Change is hard
roarlouder
♀ 40921
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel we are in a space for real R now. I know he still thinks about LTA OW, but the fog of it isn't there. He sees it for the fantasy and lie it was. He's having many "aha" moments - like I went to her for reassurance instead of telling me what I needed, so i could give him what I needed...like he didn't even give us a real chance. In many ways, it is like I didn't even know him because he didn't let me in. He is now, we are both listening and being responsive to needs.

We had some bumps in the first 3 months, but the last month hrs been the model of remorse and working to change. It is do scary though. I think communication is key, but it's scary to know how much TRY there is on his part to change habits. I decided as long as he was meeting my expectations (no contact, counselling, working on us) I would try too. I know I need to let go of past actions in order to do that, it's just some days so scary knowing how massive of a lifestyle switch and how much work he has to put in. Just needed to share


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((roarlouder)))

Congrats and Good Luck


Posts: 689 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey roarlouder,

Dad used to say to me and my sister, "it is hard enough to change yourself, impossible to change someone else."

Change is very difficult for both parties. My H and I are one year in and after the excitement (for lack of a better word) of the first year, the things that require work, still require work but they are not as frequent or as overwhelming. We are much more conscience of them now.

but it's scary to know how much TRY there is on his part to change habits

Well, it becomes pretty clear when his actions are meeting up with his words. Remorse, I have learned over this past year is something you can see and not just hear.

He really needs to work on gaining your trust at this point. Trust is precious. Expect a set back or two. I am not speaking about contacting the AP but moreso in WS behavior (loose boundaries, selfish behavior, entitlement). Know that it will come. Altho discouraging, these moments provide another opp to learn and grow and to keep pushing forward.

It's a new way of living and if you both work at it, R will be wonderful.

Best wishes,
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:52 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
roarlouder
♀ 40921
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the encouragement. I do expect those setbacks, and will accept them, I won't accept more stepping out. It's still scary...but as long as there are real efforts and results towards change, I'll stick it out.

Scary as hell though....


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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