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Help my spouse hates me

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lostmymind13 posted 1/8/2014 19:15 PM

I am new to this and very unsure of what to do say or ask for. My wife hates me. She doesn't care how remorseful I am for cheating. She doesn't care how I feel. I guess I dont blame her, I caused the damage and devastation. I need guidance on what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

Lilypad posted 1/8/2014 19:21 PM

Well she is mad. Yes she probably hates what you did and hates you for doing it.

You are going to have to let her work through this right now her feelings are what matters the most. The last thing on her mind is how you feel, as she is the one that has been betrayed.

Just be there for her.

nevergiveup10 posted 1/8/2014 19:32 PM

I'm assuming this just came out.

Be humble, be attentive, back off when she asks, be available 24/7 for her. Take the heat, validate her feelings, don't blame shift or make excuses. Work on yourself and what brought you to this. Be patient, have compassion.

She's going to say some really nasty things to you, she wants to hurt you back. Control your pride and ego to the best of your ability.

It's hard, it's dark and it sucks, but if you want her back it's worth it.

I wish you the best

lostmymind13 posted 1/8/2014 19:43 PM

Thanks for the advice. Our d day was 14 Nov 13. I am having a hard time not leaning on her for support. Our MC told me I need to to find support elsewhere. I am trying but since I have isolated myself from my alcoholism I am having I hard time. I read a post she put on here today and it triggered me to get angry and mad at her. I said something about it and it sparked us to argue.

nevergiveup10 posted 1/8/2014 20:16 PM

You're dealing with twice the stress right now. You in AA?

I wanted so bad to lean on my BS for support, but it's not the right thing. You'll only push her away, I found out the hard way.

Keep your shit together, it's the anger you have at yourself that's projecting outward. Join the gym, start running, make new friends, any kind of outlet.

It's OK to be mad, just don't show it at any cost. Easier said than done I know.

She's a mess, you're not allowed to be. It's time to find out what you're made of. Suck it up, it's a rough ride and you've got to be ready for it. Shift your priorities

Most importantly, be sober

I know all of this may sound rough, but I feel your pain. Its really tough, but it can be done. Do the right thing for her, her feelings take priority over yours.

It's f'ing hard and you will slip, but that's OK. Catch yourself, acknowledge it to her if she's receptive and move on.

Lilypad posted 1/8/2014 20:17 PM

How long have you been sober now? I am an alcoholic too.

lostmymind13 posted 1/8/2014 21:26 PM

Yes, am attending AA meetings. As many as I can get to in a week. I have been sober for 59 days as of today.
She wants to know what I told myself to make it alright to cheat on her and why I thought it would be ok to friend the other women on Facebook. I am trying to get IC as suggested from her and SI.

Lilypad posted 1/8/2014 22:19 PM

Congrats on 59 days that is awesome! The journey to sobriety is not easy that is for sure. Maybe for now it would be best to not read her posts. She needs an outlet and this place is it as others can offer her a lot of support.

If you need a place for yourself there is a really great recovery forum. It is really well moderated and the support there is awesome for people with alcohol/drug addictions. You can learn a lot there and you will see that there are lots of people going thru what you are. Let me know if you are interested and I will send you the link.

[This message edited by Lilypad at 10:20 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

kmom2662 posted 1/9/2014 20:57 PM

It probably is a good idea to stop reading our spouse's posts. I have a hard time with what he says about me in some of them, and I got mad at him, but that's not really fair to him. I wish there was another site I liked as mich as SI, I would switch, but there isn't.

lostmymind13 posted 1/11/2014 17:34 PM


If you could, please send me the link to the recovery form that you had mentioned. I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Lilypad posted 1/12/2014 13:33 PM


Sent you a PM with the link.

FR2012 posted 1/24/2014 19:58 PM

I know that you are still very new to this and only a couple months out. Things are very hard. Honestly in the beginning I was still a mess. But now at almost 2 years out, my husband and I are doing great. we have wonderful communication, sex still exists and it is great, we have fun together, laughing together, just spending time together. Trust me, this stuff still is possible.

It has a lot to do with the fact that I have done a lot of work on myself. And I know that I still have a lot more work to do on myself. Counselling should be had, books should be read, journaling should be done. Just to name a few things.

Anyway there was just one thing I wanted to touch up on though...

It's OK to be mad, just don't show it at any cost

You know, yes, it is okay to be mad but whatever you do, don't hide it. At all. You can't hide your feelings from your spouse. I learned that hiding your feelings and bottling them up inside just makes things a whole lot worse.

That is one thing that I did pretty much my entire life. I learned from my mother not to let out your feelings. Just to keep them to yourself and not let anyone know there is anything wrong with you. Well you know where that got me in life? It ended with me having an affair and almost ruining my life with my family.

You need to be completely honest with your feelings. Sure, don't get upset or pissed off and go off at your spouse. But don't hide your feelings. I honestly cannot stress that enough.

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