SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

33years posted 1/8/2014 20:05 PM

I haven't asked WH yet, but I want too because he deletes all his calls, including ones from me, as well as his texts....always! I can follow his phone usage on through the phone company and don't see anything suspicious, but I find it weird that he deletes it all. He's not a neat freak either, so it cannot be because of them piling up. BTW, I don't trust him at all, but I find it irking that he does this.

Getting to Happy posted 1/8/2014 20:29 PM

I can follow his phone usage on through the phone company and don't see anything suspicious, but I find it weird that he deletes it all.

But you cannot see what he is texting. Not Cool. He is hiding something.

If there is nothing going on, why delete anything.

Have you told him that you don't feel comfortable with him deleting everything?

There should be no secrets, no lies by ommision, complete transparency.

Anything less is a big RED FLAG .

Watch your back my dear 33Years.

Ostrich80 posted 1/8/2014 20:36 PM

My ws deletes everything too. He says because his phone gets bogged down but..he also says he only gets calls and texts from me and the kids. His dirty work is done thru email where you can't see the recipient on the bill. I have att and you can see texts and phone calls..the number receiving and sending. Have you looked at the bill online? They don't usually show detail on the paper bill but online every service I've had does.

hikingwithkoda posted 1/8/2014 23:10 PM

Remember, though, if WS & AP both have iPhones their texts go through "iMessage" and won't show up on the phone bill.

MylarPineapples posted 1/9/2014 02:01 AM

I think you definitely need to bring this up to him. For me, one of my lines in the sand after the last DDay if my H didn't want a D is that he will never delete anything off of his phone again, period, at all. The only time anything gets deleted is when I delete it. I also have access to the cell phone bill online so I can view the call and text logs there. I also installed spyware on his cell phone so I can remotely monitor the content of all the text messages he sends and receives, because I have spent way too many hours of my life agonizing about what was said in text strings he deleted. My H agreed to all of this because he knew at that point it was a deal breaker for me.

Now, that being said, I realize that there are apps my H could be using to bypass all of that monitoring that he uninstalls every day when he comes home. He could have a prepaid cell that he leaves at work that I don't know about. Etc etc etc. If someone is determined to hide things, they will probably find a way to do it for awhile. I have struggled some with having to accept that.

However, I think the onus is on your H to do whatever he can to demonstrate transparency with you. He can't PROVE that he isn't hiding anything in any way, but agreeing to not delete anything from his phone would be a step toward building trust with you and at least prove he isn't hiding anything in his texts or call logs. And if he truly has nothing to hide, than he is not losing anything by agreeing to do so. And definitely, if it is causing you to have any doubts in him, it is something you should bring up and it should be something he wants to help you alleviate.

Good luck, I urge you to talk to him about it.

ETA: For those of us who compare cell phone bills with what shows up on the actual phone to see if anything has been deleted, I have observed that our cell carrier often lists duplicate entries on the online text logs for one individual message, so that one message sent is "billed" as two or three. We have an unlimited texting plan so this really doesn't matter for billing purposes, but for those of us who have gone over those logs with a fine toothed comb it DOES matter! A record of a text sent on the bill that does not have a corresponding entry on the actual phone could have meant a D for me when my H hadn't actually deleted anything, had I not noticed this. I've confirmed this does happen by looking at my own cell logs, and having that spyware installed on H's phone also confirms it. Just FYI for those that might be quick to accuse (pointing at myself)!

[This message edited by MylarPineapples at 2:08 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Sparkle0504 posted 1/9/2014 02:52 AM

Big red flag. My own phone is an open book as far as SAWH is concerned, although he chooses not to look at it, because, imo, he thinks if he doesn't then I wont look at his. He has agreed that I can look at his phone anytime I want, but all a bit academic really if I've got a keylogger on his phone

But then he's usually got a "spare" phone tucked away somewhere. Although he's running out of hiding places. That said, I'm really tired of looking for them (last count: 6). He says the addiction is "broken" - he's behaving, but then he's said that many times before, right? Trust completely and utterly gone.

You shouldn't have to ask for complete transparency, it should be offered. Anything less is not tenable. You deserve better.

shatteredapart posted 1/9/2014 05:02 AM

I believe deleting call logs and texts is a huge red flag. My husband did the same thing. His excuse was it was slowing down his phone too. My husband is not technically savy so an excuse like that didn't sit well with me. Too bad I didn't dig into it further then and there. It took me several more months to see the light.

DLP50 posted 1/10/2014 11:51 AM

I know how this feels.

The phone bill shows 195 texts in 1 month and low and behold, there are no texts showing dating back to this particular month.

Also, I know the PW to his personal email, so he would have never used that, however, I did ask him to look at his work email and 2 weeks later, he hands me his computer. Its obvious that he had 2 weeks to delete every thing that was there that he didn't want me to see.

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 12:14 PM

Red flag for sure!

Does he have an iphone?

Lovedyoumore posted 1/10/2014 12:54 PM

I need access to everything since DDay. If my H was deleting things after being told, not asked, to stop deleting, then I would delete him.

DLP50 posted 1/10/2014 12:56 PM

His IPhone is his personal one. The one with 195 texts in 1 month are on his work Blackberry..

sparklezombie posted 1/10/2014 13:09 PM

Even if he isn't currently cheating, deleting is unacceptable. Make a stand. He needs to be completely open.

NoMorDeceit posted 1/10/2014 16:19 PM

Your D-Day was only last July. He doesn't get to delete anything until you decide it is OK. If space is such an issue, he can bring the phone home every night and hand it to you. You can delete things. He can hand it over before bed and before work for deletion if he receives so many calls and texts. Put your foot down. He should not be deleting anything. If he whines about trust and privacy, remind him that HE blew that up all my himself, too bad, so sad, oh well.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/10/2014 17:10 PM

Not sure about iPhone, but my H had a htc droid. It holds 15,000 texts before it needs text space.

DLP50 posted 1/10/2014 18:52 PM

Didn't think about the SIM card until I read the previous post, I was even going to buy the SIM card reader.

WH got a new work Blackberry and his old one is in the a drawer in his office.
Got the old BB out and took out the battery and guess what? The SIM card is not there!

He must have taken it out and thrown it away???
Now I guess there is no way now for me to read the deleted texts off that phone.