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First Mediation Session this morning

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Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 07:41 AM

STBWXH and I have decided to do mediation to determine all the child related pieces of our SA. We're going to use the lawyers for the financial pieces as it's a bit more complex.

This morning is my first mediation session with him We've been getting along ok, he's still with his MOM, who hasn't left her BS. We're been cordial and I'm trying to stay NC unless it's for kids or finances.

All that said, I'm terrified. This is a huge document that will affect my kids for the next 18 years, or longer. And I didn't want this for them, I would have tried R.

Ugh, this sucks. I'll check back after the session.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/9/2014 09:09 AM

Good luck. You do not need to agree to anything today, and definately do not sign anything until you run it by your lawyer. Take all the time you need to think about things and even post here to get suggestions.


staystrong101 posted 1/9/2014 09:38 AM

I agree totally. Don't feel pressured to make any decisions today. I know it's expensive to keep talking to lawyers etc and there can be a sense of pressure to just sign it. But these are decisions, like you said, that will affect you and your kids for many years. You can do this. Take care of yourself and make sure you drink water and eat! I had mediation Dec 30. It was a full day 9-5. We did get it signed but my kids are older so we didn't have the custody issues. With younger kids it may take longer. I agree it's good to try to stay cordial as much as possible, but stand up for yourself too! Good luck!

dmari posted 1/9/2014 10:08 AM

Good luck Hurtm! Do not sign anything today!! If these goes on for several hours, it may be hard to think issues through rationally and thoroughly so you don't want to lock yourself into anything just to get it over with. Sending you positive thoughts!!

Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 12:24 PM

Thanks all!

It was two hours and went well. We were actually quite civil shockingly.

I didn't sign anything, in our province it isn't binding, it's basically passed along to the lawyers to be added to the agreement and then signed. So my lawyer will take a good long look at it.

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/9/2014 15:32 PM

That's great Hurtm. I live in Ontario, you said in your province. Are you in Canada? If so I could use some advice on getting the D started.

Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 16:29 PM

Hi never, I'm in Ontario as well

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/9/2014 16:58 PM

it looks like neither one of us have enough post to PM each other.

A little history on me, ,my DD was Dec,22,2013. AWESOME !!! holidays for me

BH 32=me
WW 30=her
DSx2 7 months and 5 years old

From what little info she has given me and if I can believe it 18 month OLE A and PA. Same person.

I don't think im going to even try and R. The A was the ultimate betrayal for me. IM starting to research D in Ontario. I live in Oshawa so hoping to find a Family Law firm out this way. Also look up how to locate a good Lawyer and how to get this started.

Can I ask how you proceeded, found a lawyer and any advice for me at all?

How is your Lawyer? I apologize if this is too personal but what does it look like this will end up costing you?

Also in Ontario do we need to have a one year separation agreement before we can legally get divorced? I apologize I feel so overwhelmed....

Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 17:40 PM

Hey Never,

I have a good family friend who is a real estate lawyer and he recommended my D lawyer. The D lawyer recommended the mediator. I would try and reach out and see if any family/friends have any recommendations. My BFF is also a lawyer so she also had some names for me just in case the first didn't work out.

I believe it is a year of separation. This is likely going to cost me approximately 5K, when it's all said and done, and that's just lawyers and mediator Thankfully my parents are in a position to help me out a bit.

devistatedmom posted 1/9/2014 18:35 PM

Hey you two. I'm in Ontario too. Yes, there is a year sep needed...EXCEPT if you file with Adultery or abuse. The A won't make a difference to the settlement, but you can get it done quicker.

What I did was get a sep agreement written up by a divorce mediator. It did the custody and split all the finances. Done. I had a lawyer read it over to make sure all the legal mumbo jumbo was correct. I did wait the year, but did file with adultery as the reason at that time out of principal. XH signed it. NOTHING changed from our sep agreement. I just filled out the divorce papers, attached the sep agreement. I did use my lawyer for that too.

I think between the mediator and my lawyer I managed to spend under a thousand. XH did pay for half the mediator, but didn't pay any of the filing fees or my lawyer.

When you guys can PM, if you have any questions, PM me. I'm on frequently. Until then, post here. I'll keep an eye out for you. There are other Ontarians here also.

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/9/2014 19:03 PM

Im so happy to have found WS that not only I can relate too but also can help with advice on the divorce.

How do you find a mediator or is one appointed to your case?
Are you able to have a separation written up but still live together? Maybe a Lawyer question.

We have a House that I will have to pay for, I will not be able to afford an apartment and the house. I guess I would have to stay with Family for a bit until we could sell the house but that might take months.

Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 19:50 PM

I think you meant a BS lol

My L suggested some mediators and I chose one. It isn't mandated but I wanted one. Lawyers are expensive and we are mostly on the same page regarding the kids. Finances are more complicated and will likely be handled by the lawyers.

STBWXH is living in apartment, he moved out a week after DDay. He's paying for it while maintain the house. I have a feeling his mommy and daddy are helping out, because lord knows he can't afford it.

devistatedmom posted 1/9/2014 20:01 PM

I googled divorce mediators "mytown" and found one that way. We managed to do it all in 4 sessions, I think. Only on the item of custody did I refuse to settle it at that session. It's ok to say you aren't willing to discuss that item at this time and move on to the next one.

If you do use a mediator, remember, they are NOT going to look out for your best interest. They are there to do what is "fair", and what looks pretty on paper. The only reason it worked for us is my XH was in SUCH a fog, he just wanted to get it done, and would have agreed to anything...he didn't care, he just wanted to be with his skank. I researched the things that were important to me first, knew what I wanted, and wouldn't budge. I will say though, I did appreciate that she brought up some items I had never thought of, and wouldn't have put in on my own.

We had the sep agreement written up and signed in August. The date of Sep on the agreement (ie. it stated that we had been separated as of) was in May, I think. Yes, we still lived in the same house until the end of August. As long as you aren't living as man and wife (ie, in the same bed) sep can start while you are still in the same house.

As far as the house goes, either you buy her out, she buys you out, or you sell it and split the equity. Or, you be creative. We had a lot of debt, mostly my XH's. If we had sold the house, the equity would have paid off our debt, but I wouldn't have had a down payment for a new place for the kids and I. So, I decided to keep the house. We had the house appraised. Then, we took off what was left owing on the mortgage. So, I would have owed him half of the equity amount left over. I couldn't do, I went to a mortgage broker, and found out how much I could get on my own, then I offered him that I would take more of the debt, not all of it, but more, and he wouldn't take his equity. He agreed to the less debt on his plate. So, I refinanced in my name only. The house is now mine only. You can figure out a way. Offer something up that you can give up, and see what happens, if you really want to keep the house. I actually hate this house and can't wait until my youngest graduates to move....but it really was the only way I can keeping a roof over my kids heads that was acceptable to me.

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/9/2014 20:28 PM

I apologize, yes I did mean BS, Well I cant live in this house anymore. Not that my WW had the affair here but it would bring back a lot of Memories that I believe would slow me down with my healing progress. She can not afford the house on her own so I believe selling it would be the best and only option. We do not have much debt ( well I haven't seen her credit card statements recently) So selling the house and splitting the equity could really help her get her own place and start over, as well for my self

Can I ask how the custody was decided in both your situations?

I have read that in Ontario they prefer to give custody to the primary care giver. That would be my WW. she has only worked part time ( mind you mostly evenings, so I had the children then) since the birth of our first son.

I would like a 50/50 split, but realize I may have to fight for that. Especially since my youngest is only 7 months and my wife breast feeds which I have heard she could use in her favor?

If I get EOW I will go above and beyond that to be more involved in my DSx2 life's and I realize no matter what I will be paying CS. It just sucks that I may have to pay SS even though she had the A and cause us to be in this situation.

No serious talks have happened with my WW so this is just me and my thoughts on how my situation may and or can go.

Hurtm posted 1/9/2014 21:59 PM

Hey devisttTed,

My L told me that adultery is hard to prove which is why we didn't go down that road.

I would go with mediation but there are some complicated financial pieces that I'd prefer to have a lawyer handle.

devistatedmom posted 1/10/2014 15:38 PM

Agreed Hurtm, it is hard to prove. Like I said, our Sep agreement was to be our Divorce settlement, so there was nothing but the paperwork to do. I was waiting for him to file, but would have waited forever. I decided to file, and I wanted adultery on the papers. Lawyer warned me that I probably shouldn't; XH could raise a stink, or the courts could even throw it without the evidence. I said I want to go for it anyway.

XH had a fit; asked why did I do that?? I said, I wanted the truth on the paperwork for anyone that looked at it down the road. He came back another day and said all *4* of his lawyers (I almost burst out laughing in his face, I don't believe he hired one AT ALL, never mind 4!) told him not to sign it. I said fine; I'd be happy to name OW in the paperwork, do depositions, call her work and have her be a witness at our court case. He signed them a day later. Would I have won if we went to court? Probably not, but I would have made him miserable in the process. The courts also signed them no problem.

I wasn't trying to say file as adultery, just letting never know it's one of the ways to not have to do the year wait.

Never, I will post about custody in a bit, I have a few things I gotta do right now.

betrayed13yrs posted 1/10/2014 15:51 PM

I'm so jealous that you get to file adultery or abuse in Canada. I'm in California which is a no contest state, so what he did doesn't matter. I am trying to figure out if we should do mediation or have it all go to court. UGH!!! I hate that California is no contest, I feel that infidelity is a breech of contract and should be treated as such. Plus he gave me HPV so there should be repercussions for that!!!!!!! Good luck on mediation, I hope it continues to go smoothly.

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