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The Circle Of Guilt

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RegretfulHusband posted 1/9/2014 10:28 AM

Good Morning SI,

Rough night - no sleep. I don't know how to snap myself out of this funk.

I am going to make a long story short - wife is amazing. Found out about DDay 1 (which happened August 2012 - Handjob @ Strip Club).

Like many others, I TT'd everything to her over a matter of days - but I did eventually confess every nitty, gritty, detail. She was obviously and understandably upset - but only for a couple days. She had just gone through a course about "Choice" and said to me that it is her CHOICE to forgive me and move on.

There was little if any break in sex for us, and our relationship soared - we were better than we had been in a long time. She actually took what happened and used it as motivation to become "hotter" for me - I did not ask for that, it was her decision.

Months later, out of nowhere, my mind connected back to something I had buried long ago - a ONS 7+ years ago with my very first GF (the girl I lost my virginity to) while my then GF and I were dating, but living together.

After what I put her through with DDay 1, I felt she deserved the truth, and she could tell something was obviously wrong, so I confessed fully to it - again, with every possible detail I could remember. Everything that was said, done, etc.

Those were the two PAs I had, but there were numerous other occasions with "close calls" - I left my Hotel room info with a Hooters girl, etc. I even smelled her sisters panties a few times while she lived with us. All this happened before the Strip Club, BTW. She now knows everything about me. EVERYTHING. Things my PARENTS don't even know. Things from LONG before we even met. Even after my wife knew all this, which, again, understandably is extremely upsetting, to say the least, she still loves me, we are still intimate (despite my performance problems as a result of all this), etc.

It's almost as if there were no significant consequences to my actions, because she saw the amount of guilt I have and decided I was already punishing myself more than she could, aside from leaving.

You can read my other posts for more of the details, but here is the outlook, soul, whatever, has changed with regards to lying. Not only to my wife, but to anyone, stranger or not. I feel this overwhelming guilt if I fudge even the TINIEST detail about anything.

A great quote that really resonates with me, is from the movie flight.

"That was it. I was finished. I was done. It was as if, I had reached my lifelong limit of lies. I could not tell, one more lie."

That's how I feel now, and I have to say, that part feels GREAT. It feels so good to be honest and open. I am reflecting on the person I was, and I was such a selfish, narcissistic asshole. I'm not saying that because of the As, I am saying that because I really was. I mean, I don' think I'm a god, but there were times I looked in the mirror (recently) and thought "man I really am good looking". I grew up as one of the "popular guys" in school, so I had never had any trouble getting girls, etc., which only fed my ego more.

I am looking at myself differently now, and it really hurts to look in the mirror - because I still see that person that lied and cheated, even though I am SO done with that behavior.

Here's the problem though -

From time to time, a random detail will pop into my head, or a memory from any number of those events I mentioned above. Each one every time just triggers an AVALANCHE of guilt. Which leads to me wanting to "confess" that detail, which makes me wonder "should I, even though she has said I can talk to her". My IC, who specializes in sexual "things" (I didn't know that was true when I found him) doesn't want me talking to her about those things anymore, because it's selfish - which I totally agree with.

Each time I have confessed, it feels so great to get it out and have her know everything, but the confessing leads to shame, the shame to guilt, the guilt to panic, the panic back to another event, etc., - thus, the "Circle of guilt" in the title.

My IC has been doing this for like 25 years, so I trust him. his opinion is that "one of these days, it will just become too much for your wife to take on if you keep obsessing", but my wife continues to tell me that I can talk to her, no matter what it is.

Anyway, between the lack of sleep last night and all these triggers, I needed to get this out. Before I found SI I posted on another site, where people started calling me a sociopath and other assorted names, so I really appreciate the support offered here.

I'm not looking to admonish my guilt - I accept that guilt as penance for my betrayal. I know what I did was horrific and I will work to repair the damage I've done - I just want to start seeing a way out, even if it takes a long way to get there.

In any case, thanks for listening.

Jovie posted 1/9/2014 10:45 AM

Idk how to accomplish it, but I think the key is that you really need to figure out how to forgive yourself!

I'm new here so take this for what it's worth (I definitely feel I still have a lot to learn about this whole process), but I completely agree with your IC in that you do not need to keep confessing these random details to your W. I suspect some of the BS on here may disagree, but it just seems like your M has been able to thrive despite the As and rehashing the details is not going to help anyone.

Unagie posted 1/9/2014 11:01 AM

FWIW your IC is full of shit. The details should be up to you wife. Some BS do not want details and state they do not, mine asked me to stop even if I remembered because he didn't need or want to know anymore unless I slept with someone else. Some want everything. I have had a hard time myself resolving the details I cant confess even when offered but it was his request and I respect it. Now what does your wife want? Have you asked her?

When it comes to self forgiveness well that comes through acceptance. It takes a long time but tackle it one detail at a time and it gets easier. Some days will be worse then others.

lost_in_space posted 1/9/2014 11:09 AM

Perhaps you could as ask your BS if she wants to hear the various details you recall. For a BS, little details being disclosed randomly over time, could feel like torture and hurt the healing process. That's just how I feel. I mostly agree with your IC but believe this should be your BS's decision. If you are trying to help her heal, then maybe you could give her the option.

The shame and guilt are going to happen. There really isn't a magic fix for any of it. Your IC should give you help with that. As you make better choices, are honest and own your actions the negative feelings will not be as painful. You could even use the negative feelings you are having as an opportunity for feeling some of the hurt your BS is feeling. Use it to step into the pain she is experiencing so that you have a better understanding of it.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/9/2014 11:13 AM

Thank you both for your comments.

For the record, it recognize how selfish it is to even hope for help, but these forums and seeing that I am not entirely alone really help.

Thanks again.

heforgotme posted 1/9/2014 11:30 AM

Which leads to me wanting to "confess" that detail, which makes me wonder "should I, even though she has said I can talk to her"

I would ask her.

Every BS needs different things. Some need ALL the details....some just the basics.

Tell her that these things are occurring to you and if you should share them or keep them to yourself. I would want them shared as I would see them as "secrets" between the two of them. Which suggests a type of "intimacy" (not saying YOU feel that way by any means), which of course I wouldn't like.

In any case, be very careful about making any assumptions. I know it seems logical that bringing things up will only pour salt in the wound, but it is what MANY BSes need nonetheless. The only ones I didn't want were very specific sexual ones. And he knows that.

So anyway, just ask. This is an even more important point than you may even realize bc if something comes out later inadvertently, it may appear as TT.

Good luck.

WantHerOnly posted 1/9/2014 11:34 AM

I would tend to agree with Lost. If she is past the point of wanting details, then further details may open those wounds. I have told my BS all she wants to know and feel forcing any more info on her to ease my guilt would be selfish on my part.

only my positive words and actions can help her heal and us move on.

Skan posted 1/9/2014 18:14 PM

Yes, do talk to your BW about this and ask what she wants. Its really up to her, no matter what your IC says.

Me, personally, I want all of these details. I need them. Were my FWH to hold onto those details without telling me, I would see it as a lie and a betrayal of me, of our partnership and of our understanding of how we will go forward. However just because I feel this way, doesn't mean that your BW might. Each person has different limits and/or needs. So do talk to her.

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