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Been awhile...DS passed away

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momxgbg posted 1/9/2014 11:15 AM

It has been probably close to a year and a half since I last logged on. My son (then 11) was diagnosed with brain cancer in Sept. 2012. Nate lost his battle with cancer on Nov. 24, 2013. I am still reeling from his loss, from the 14 1/2 months of caring 24/7 for my son. Over the course of the 14 1/2 months, Nate lost all of his ability to do anything on his was a slow loss as the tumor ravaged his brain stem. When Nate was first diagnosed, my husband and I decided that all of our children needed both of us 24/7 and put his affair (and all decisions concerning it) on the back burner and just took care of our children.
And now as I try to start living again? moving on? coping? questions are arising as to what I now want to do. After being 2 years out from the discovery of the affair (and everything that went on with it) and having 15 months of intense emotional pain with my son...I am tired and confused. I do not have romantic feelings about my spouse anymore. He doesn't touch me, per my request, and it bothers me if/when he slips and does something pat my shoulder. But as long as he doesn't touch me...we work pretty okay as a cohesive parenting unit. And I am SO very worried what a divorce might do to my girls (10 and 15) who just lost their brother.

I'm a little lost today and just need to get to a place where I can, once again, talk about the affair and really start examining my feelings about how I want to continue.

Hope I put this in the right forum.

karmahappens posted 1/9/2014 11:18 AM


I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

Welcome back. Take things slow and be good to you.

If you want help dealing with the A why don't you come on over to General or the Reconcilliation forum, depending on where you are as things progress.

I hope you find your peace.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:56 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

MissesJai posted 1/9/2014 11:21 AM

oh I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tred posted 1/9/2014 11:21 AM


I am so sorry for your loss. Is IC an option?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 1/9/2014 11:24 AM

So sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time to grieve. There is no hurry. I do think counseling is essential for you to deal with both traumas.

shatteredheart7 posted 1/9/2014 11:26 AM

First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss!!!!

As for the effect a divorce my have on your kids, my youngest DD said something to her friend the other day that eased my mind about the decision I made 12 yrs ago to divorce her father. Her parents have been talking about divorce and she said to my DD that part of her want them to but the other part of her doesn't because she is scared of how things would change. My DD told her that her father and I use to fight all the time and when we first got a divorce she was scared about how things would be different. However, she is glad we got a divorce. That everyone is much happier and it was horrible living with the fighting.

I can't imagine that there could be any happiness in your house, even without the death of your son, if mom and dad aren't showing love to each other. Happy parents have happy kids... Someone once told me that the best thing I could do for my kids was to be happy in my personal life...and I have seen it to be true. This is not a "push for divorce" but just wanted you to know what my experience and my kids thoughts are..

Hope that helps and know you will be in my thoughts, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

ajsmom posted 1/9/2014 11:31 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure things seem so very overwhelming right now. Take time to just breathe.


Edith posted 1/9/2014 11:35 AM

Oh momxgbg, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


Beemer posted 1/9/2014 11:35 AM

I am so so sorry - you are in my prayers

Crescita posted 1/9/2014 11:39 AM

So sorry for your loss (((momxgbg))).

MovingUpward posted 1/9/2014 11:39 AM


Sorry for your loss. You do have a lot on your plate, so don't forget to take care of yourself.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/9/2014 11:40 AM

Oh no ((((momxgbg))))

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious DS.

It's probably not a good idea to rush the grieving process, just take your time with it all. All of your lives are changed from this, it's hard to know how long it will be for things to feel a little more 'normal'.

Sending you and your family my deepest condolences, strength and support.


tushnurse posted 1/9/2014 11:41 AM


I am so very sorry for your loss. How painful.

My suggestion is to just focus on each day as they come. Allow yourself time to grieve, focus on your other kids, and make sure they have the love and support they need. Focus on you, get yourself into some IC, some yoga, and try to do one nice thing for you each day. As you move forward you will have a better idea what you want and need.

Read in the library on the days the A in on your mind, and slowly figure out what you want and need. Life is short, we all deserve a full and happy life.

((((and strength, and peace))))

itainteasy posted 1/9/2014 11:55 AM

I'm so so sorry for your loss. There are no words...there are just no words.


lost_in_toronto posted 1/9/2014 13:13 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but in my opinion you need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal from the loss of your son before making decisions about your marriage. (((momxgbg)))

TrustedHer posted 1/9/2014 13:48 PM

I'm sorry for your loss.

It seems to me you have at least 2 huge issues to deal with, and counseling could help you deal with them. The grief, and the infidelity.

I'd definitely start with IC, just to help you gain tools to deal with your life, your girls, and your living situation.

Everything else can take a back burner while you grieve.

simplydevastated posted 1/9/2014 14:04 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain.

Sending you strength and (((Hugs))) to get through this difficult time. You've been through so much, please don't feel you have to make any decisions so soon.

Myheartstillhurt posted 1/9/2014 14:23 PM

I am so so so sorry for your loss

NaiveAgain posted 1/9/2014 14:50 PM

((((momxgbg & family))))
I am so sorry for your loss

Williesmom posted 1/9/2014 14:57 PM

I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what the other said. Just focus on yourself and your needs for the forseeable future.

The infidelity can wait to be addressed until you feel like you're among the living again.

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