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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Warn xMM that I confessed?
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Stop  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the general guidelines here about giving the xAP warning that you confessed? I promise I won't be defiant--I really don't know which is best.

On the one hand telling him I confessed all would keep him away/see me more clearly as more-trouble-than-I'm-worth/ and would prevent him from trying to rekindle the friendship. On the other hand, it's another conversation, and we all know how a single conversation can be dangerous. He sometimes attends sporting events I go to and my hope is that his fear of exposure will keep him further away from me and he might stop going to some of these things altogether, which would be great.

After talking with my H we determined it would be best to not out the xMM b/c in our small close-knit community, my name, as the OW, would be ruined and this would effect our young children. Who wants to invite the daughter of an adulterer into their home for a playdate? It would not be so scandalous for xMM, he would get off scott free.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
LovesLaboursLost
♀ 37272
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! Don't do it. NC. Get that mm out of your head...Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide post is a good resource


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2012
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK! Done!
I thought so...thanks.
I feel stupid even asking, tbh.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't his betrayed spouse deserve to know she has (is?) being cheated on?

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. However she's not totally in the dark b/c she took our EA very seriously and took him to MC and treated it like an affair. I dunno. Part of me wants to warn her that he's actually a serial cheater (I only recently found out, much to my shock, as he brilliantly acted inexperienced and naive.) I do feel an obligation to her but I do not put her needs above my own. My H's yes, but not hers. I'm not that good of a person.

Part of me can only clean up so much at an expense to myself. Affairs are nasty but I'm probably in the minority thinking people should not always have to lose their whole lives because of them. And i dont think my kids should have to suffer, which they will.

I made a choice to confess b/c I couldn't free myself of the A and I felt like I was holding my H hostage. xMM has to come to that conclusion himself.

However, my H has stated he is not certain he will not expose. He has that in his back pocket for now.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
astudentoflife
♂ 25821
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This

After talking with my H we determined it would be best to not out the xMM b/c in our small close-knit community, my name, as the OW, would be ruined and this would effect our young children.

and this

However she's not totally in the dark b/c she took our EA very seriously and took him to MC and treated it like an affair. I dunno.

Show a complete lack of understanding of the seriousness of your actions. Also they directly contradict themselves.

First about the contradiction. She had him attend an MC because this WAS an affair, at the very beginning when you two were in an EA. What? you don't think she already has accused you of being a man stealer to her friends in your "tight knitted" commuity? Get serious, she knew it was important enough to try and stop it dead in it's tracks. You are kidding yourself and frankly trying to get us to agree you are doing the right thing.

Like I said about abuse in my previous thread, you are judging her reality, by saying she treated the EA as an affair. It bloody well was! The cat was out of the bag then. You got testy when some of us were a bit wary of one sided stories, because we were "judging" you. You are judging his BW! In fact you are lying to yourself, because her reality is true!

All of these statements are about you, not your husband, kids, the BW. You don't want to look like the bad guy. I am actually angry that I gave you the compassion and benifit of the the doubt. With this kind of thinking or non thinking as the case is, you are damaging more people. It is selfish and abusive. Do you think MM BW has not gone all over this time and time again because she wonders if she was crazy because you and the MM. You seemed relieved when I said I believed the story of your abuse. I still do, but I am beginning to waver. If you want healing, your first thoughts should be of the damage caused to a woman WHO HAS not abused you. Don't you think she would appreciate the knowledge confirming she has not been crazy all this time? Do you think she doesn't deserved to know what kind of relationship she has and make decisions based on that? How callous.

The kids? Well you should have considered them before embarking on an affair. As I said earlier, there were many other ways to handle this that would not damage you or the kids. I am going to bet you didn't think of them then. Tgese are consequences that must be handled the right way in order for you to even have a piece of dignity.

However, my H has stated he is not certain he will not expose. He has that in his back pocket for now.

You bet he does! Just another reason your plan may not work as well if he decideds to blow it all up.If he is as abusive as you say he is, I have no doubt he will, with relish.

To be honest if you want to be believed on this site, you will need to own your shit. Sure, abuse can damage one, however not in this way. YOu should be the first one to realize your actions and work at not abusing people any longer. The first step is to think of those that you have hurt, how you hurt them and continue to hurt them and do something about it. Not to come on here looking for backup. I will watch and wait, before I post anymore about your abuse issues, because I am very strongly beginning to regret my former posts and feeling a bit of a fool for wanting to help you sort out the alleged abuse.

Victims do not victimize other innocent people willingly. His wife, your kids have done nothing to you. Realize and that make your decisions accordingly. To be honest this post was so selfish it was actually Repellent.

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 3:05 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking to AP = breaking NC.
Can't end an A if you don't stay NC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel he deserves a warning? This person helped ruin your family. He doesn't deserve shit from you.

Now if we were talking about letting the BS in on the affair, that'd be a different story.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Neveragain1221
♀ 41969
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my BS recently found out about my A, he didn't give me a choice about telling my AP. He emailed my AP's wife on the spot. After we talked, we agreed that having no contact between me and my AP was the best thing to do, so I wrote up a No Contact letter and emailed it to him, and CC'd his wife. I wanted to show them both how serious I was about never talking to him again.


Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's another betrayal, IMO. It shows loyalty to OM and not your BH.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38694 | Registered: Sep 2007
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, student of life, ok, gotchya, you're repelled now, a total flip. I don't really need you or anyone else here to " believe" me. It's ok. Really. Your prerogative.

I'm not sure I ever questioned the BS's reality????? She was absolutely right (I said smartly, she took it seriously, I said that with kudos to her.) And I ended the A PRECISELY b/c I hated the idea of gaslighting another woman.

Its so funny how if you don't 100% tow the party line here, you get skewered.

Look. I don't necessarily care if I R. I DON'T WANT THE M THE WAY IT WAS. I'm just working through some pain and if no one here can deal with me b/c I don't see everything THE SAME, then I'm good to go.

Also--and I admitted this---you're absolutely right--I don't care ALL THAT MUCH about the BS. I really don't. It IS callous, but I am not eviscerating myself to gain entry into the kingdom of heaven. There is such a thing as self-preservation and even in IC they talk about cultivating more, not less, of that. Because the tendency is to be too self-immolating. I'm not setting myself on fire for her, sorry. I'm the opposite of a martyr. And so are you, former wayward, so spare me the lecture.

I never, ever, saw myself as all that self-serving, if anything I'm self-defeating, servile and overly concerned with the needs of others. Like most women. And if you met me you would consider my personality to be quite deferential and open and respectful and kind.

Think about the kids before the A?????!!! Well I didn't. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO MAKE THINGS MORE DIFFICULT FOR THEM NOW. Are you crazy? For what? Sanctimony points??!!! I am very sad about the BS's situation and I struggle with this daily but please spare me the "I'm hereby recant my faith in your abuse story" punishment b/c I don't see everything the way I'm supposed to. Holy hell. Peace out.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

authenticnow---yes. you are spot on. I will not do it and I'm sorry for even thinking it.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
astudentoflife
♂ 25821
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I explained to you about how the other BS may be feeling. Questioning herself. Driving herself crazy trying to fit pieces together that you two kept secret. Likened it to your description of being abused, "The subtlety" of it if I am not mistaken and thanked me for understanding that and then you come back with this?

I really don't. It IS callous, but I am not eviscerating myself to gain entry into the kingdom of heaven.

So you won't even do someone a kindness by exposing what they are living with in order to save your own skin?

BTW I think you misunderstood authenticnows post. She was telling you that it is dishonoring your spouse to not completely destroy your ability to have the same affair again. to not come clean and attempt to repair the damage you have done.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you won't even do someone a kindness by exposing what they are living with in order to save your own skin?

That's right. I will continue to aid in abusing her and save my own skin.

it's horrible. Horrible, horrible.

I acknowledge my horrible-ness. Every layer of this onion is worse than the last. Plus there is a 3rd person...an MW2 in the mix, who knows us all..and my BH's head is spinning with the Jerry Springer-aspect of it all. It's just too much.

However, I will not stop my BH from exposing us. That's his right. He is very image conscious however, and doesn't want the bad image attached to me or my kids. I'm more of a " let it all hang out" person, and the consequence of exposure is hard to envision now cause NOTHING feels worse than having to prepare my kids for the end of this family.

I would be ok with exposure, eventually. I just TRULY think my kids would suffer.

I think authenticnow meant WARNING xMM meant I was loyal to him. Maybe I am misunderstanding.

[This message edited by Regrette at 12:40 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant that warning xMM would be disloyal to your H and another betrayal to him.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38694 | Registered: Sep 2007
circe
♀ 6687
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is such a thing as self-preservation and even in IC they talk about cultivating more, not less, of that. Because the tendency is to be too self-immolating. I'm not setting myself on fire for her, sorry. I'm the opposite of a martyr.

My guess from everything you've written here is that you don't tend toward self-immolation and could do with cultivating more kindness and empathy for others. It's not such a fine line between being a humane person and being a martyr. Those two states of being have miles between them, yet you treat them as if they're identical.

You did something really bad and now you want to hide it. I get that. Anyone who can post with the stop sign gets it. But hiding secrets and not facing your own actions, and putting on a false face to make you look good, and looking for justifications that allow you to do what you want at the expense of others is all what got you into this crap in the first place. Don't you think it's time to CHANGE that?

I don't think advising someone to be honest and faithful, try to be a GOOD person, someone your children can look up to (and in my view this is someone who is honest, who owns their mistakes, who accepts consequences with grace) - is necessarily some "towing the line" cult level doctrine here. It's just basic humanity.

Your mind is in a fight-or-flight mode and all you can see is you, you, you and then sometimes OM. Even the thread title is about "warning" your OP, not about "how should I protect my children from the outcome of my A?" or "how can my BS and I handle OM together?" No, it's just you and OM against the world, couched in justifications about your children and about how, somehow, contacting OM is the best way to avoid contact with OM.

I don't think you're capable of seeing past yourself right now. Naturally it will piss you off when someone reminds you there are other human beings involved. All I can say is that ultimately you'll do whatever you want, but you can use a bunch of people who have no investment in the situation but great familiarity with it to see an alternate route out of this. Perhaps a better one than keeping secrets, issuing secret warnings, upholding pretense, feeling the joy of self-righteousness when you think of the other BS, repeating that you're not a martyr each time someone suggests doing something difficult and carrying on with your abusive marriage.

[This message edited by circe at 6:07 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
Regrette
♀ 41722
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely disagree that I have shown zero regard for others, I just specifically phrased my post in the title to get concrete advice on a specific action. I am absolutely thinking of others and you're dead wrong. You're just pissed I won't drink enough of the Kool-Aid to kill me.

Go back and read my post for comprehension. Print it out and circle all of the statements I made about feeling bad about the other person. People in cults lack nuance. Good luck with your healing.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
LovesLaboursLost
♀ 37272
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone on this thread took time out of their lives to try to help you. Getting nasty and defensive serves no purpose.
Wondering if you should warn AP that you confessed isn't thinking of others, tbh.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regrette...

You can make your point to disagree with others without attacking. Please show some respect for those that took the time to help you.

People in cults lack nuance.

Seriously?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198846 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People in cults lack nuance.
For real?

It's not cult behavior. It'consistency because we've all BTDT.

And if it is a cult, we're the coolest one evah because we have SPF.

Carry on.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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