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I will never know!

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Heartbroken2013 posted 1/9/2014 11:43 AM

Just wondering how many of you out there, know the OW or have seen or spoke to her?

My H had various 'encounters' with other women online in chat rooms, these don't bother me (well, they do but I have no need to see what they looked like or know them) her got friendly with one who used to go on her webcam and touch herself while he watched.

The night I found out, i messaged this woman and asked her what was going on with her and my husband.

It turns out (my H told me) that he lied to her too, told her he was 24 and was single, living a student life at Uni!

I know this woman's name, but that's all!
She was 44 years old, so actually thought she was stripping for a man 20 years younger!

When I messaged her, I told her he was married and 44 with children, asked her what had been going on (at the time of messaging her, I did not know she stripped as my H told me they were 'just friends')

When I tried to contact her the following morning after I found out about the tripping and cybesex, she had deleted her email address so I had no way of contacting her again. I tried contacting her email address via my other email account, thinking she may have blocked my H email, but no, she has deleted the whole thing.

This woman lived in NY - that's all I know! We live in the UK so I know they never met!

I have searched for her online but there are a number of women with the same name and its impossible to track her down.

She told my H what she did for a living (if it was true) and the woman I can find on the internet who does the same job (Real Estate) with the same name and he says that its most definitely is not the woman he was watching. (i can believe him as this woman looks respectably and a lot older than he said/she said she was/is)So I have a feeling she lied about her job/name ... how do I find out?

The OW he was having an online 'thing' with, he purchased a secret pay as you go mobile phone (so no phone records) to text and talk to her. This woman I didn't know about until last October 2013 when he admitted about her. She lived in the UK, but a plane ride or ferry away, so again no meeting. Again, I have searched online for this woman to no avail! She was 55, single and going thru a divorce! My H didn't lie to this one, told her all along he was married with kids. So she is the one that i'm really hung up on. This woman really bothers me.

My H told me he threw the phone and snapped the sim card Dec 2012. He didn't even tell this OW that he wouldn't be contacting her again. said he 'saw the light' sat in the car park after texting her and realised what he was doing, and threw it in the car park bin! So as far as she knows, he could be dead!!!! He doesn't remember her number, had typed it in the phone once to log it, and never looked at it, just dialled her name.

So ... I will NEVER ever find these women, or ever be able to see what they looked like, just have my H description of them!
I'm finding this extremely hard to deal with, is that normal? I just want to see what they look like ... I really feel that knowing that, will help me with my closure!

I believe my H when he says he doesn't remember her number, jezze he doesn't know my mobile and I have the same one since we got together 14 years ago lol!

I find myself some days, just typing in her name again and again to Google, but nothing new comes up, just the same crap I've scrutinised over a thousand times!

Morhurt posted 1/9/2014 12:09 PM

I understand the need but I honestly don't think seeing their pictures will help you heal.
My H also did online crap and webcam stuff. I know nothing about those women even though a few of them went on for years. Perhaps the "advantage" I have is that are numerous OW in our case so I don't attach much importance to any individual. Does that make sense? I've never had much anger towards them, I don't wish karma or pain on them.. They didn't hurt me, my H did.
Maybe that's off track but my point is, it makes no difference what they look like or what their careers are or anything else about them. All that matters is you and your H now.

I hope you can start to let go. :)

steadfast1973 posted 1/9/2014 12:16 PM

I totally get it. The stupid escort's pictures in her website are photoshopped beyond recognition, tattoos removed and her face is blurred to "protect her identity". Drives me crazy. He doesn't remember any specific tattoos, but that she had way too many... So all I know is that she's short, bleached blond, covered with tattoos, and has a very annoying voice. Her name is, of course, a "stage name".

Skan posted 1/9/2014 17:38 PM

I'll never know any of them, although I do know where the stripper works. I even had a plan in place to go in to check her out with a GF of mine. Came to my senses and realized that it just wasn't worth it.

However, if it was someone that I would be likely to run into, say in a small town or the like, I would INSIST on knowing because God forbid that I ever should run across "her" and have her try to get into one of my social circles.

My FWH actually gave away enough info on his profiles, etc., that if someone wanted to, they could have found him. And because that social outlet was one that we do together, me as well. In the first few months, that used to make me very paranoid, but I haven't thought about that for over a year now.

Kitty70 posted 1/9/2014 18:53 PM

I know more than I should about the other women, including where some of them live. I know where one of them works and have seen her several times since she works in retail. I want to vomit when I see her. I want to say something but I never will. I don't see the point in any of it.

Needadrink posted 1/9/2014 22:40 PM

I am not at all bothered in knowing what the prostitutes and massage girls look like for they were just holes and no personality. I did the same as you in the beginning with the AP of 18 yrs trying hard to see what she looked like but to no avail. she lives in a different state to me so not much chance of running into her. She called me when my H ended it and abused me yelling and screaming but her accent was so bad I couldn't understand her and she hung up. I am not so bothered now it does get a bit easier with time, although it's still only 8 Months for me.

Heartbroken2013 posted 1/10/2014 03:11 AM

It's the woman who he spoke on the phone with that is getting to me .... because she saw his pic and knew what he looked like, and they must have had some sort of connection, to ring each other and text etc.

Its her that bugs me more than anything!!!

She wasn't a prostitute or a stripper, she is a normal 55 year old woman going thru a divorce! She used to bung all her problems onto my H and he would lap it up and try to help her.

I am originally from close to where she lives. The town is big enough right, but what happens if I go home for a holiday (as we sometimes do) and he see's her, or she see's him? He swears he only ever saw a pic of her, and she only ever saw a pic of him (from his Hotmail profile) so he would find it difficult to recognise her if she passed us on the street. BUT - last year (before I knew about her) we went home on holiday to see some of my family & friends, and while walking around the town, he has later admitted he was really frightened in case he saw her! She has the same accent as me, reminded my H of me in the earlier days when we first met. They talked about the place where she lived, the places in her town where H had been with me (altho he never told her I was from the same place) She assumed I was from here where hubby is (he is Irish) im not! He knows nothing personal about her, doesn't know exactly where she lives, doesn't remember her telephone number (which I believe) ive searched online on and found a number of people with the same name/initals ... I even rung one woman and she denied it only to have her husband come on the phone and tell me she was married etc ... that was in the very beginning and I was a little crazy to say the least.

Its not so bad now, I only think like this on bad days. I don't often get bad days much ... I need to try to learn to live with them. last night thoughts drifted to her and their phone conversations and text messages and I was imagining all sorts! I cried myself to sleep, in my husbands arms while he rocked me and told me how much he loves me!

Guess I need to let go ... Its been a year and 2 mths since I found out about the online women, and 3 mths since he admitted to 'her' ... guess its still early days!

marionwendy posted 1/10/2014 07:53 AM

I cried when I read your last post! I too struggle with this! All I have is a description of the MOW. Right now my husband is working out of town and I am with him...we are about 70k or 33 miles away from the town this MOW lives and trust me I could find her .... the town is very small! I now know why he told me I did not need to bring my vehicle with me! I would drive there in a minute and try to find her just to see what she looks like! Im not sure if it would make me feel better or not? The fact is he cheated! with who? I don't know? but does it really matter any more?

steadfast1973 posted 1/10/2014 14:54 PM

If i did see her... I think i would just walk up to her and punch her in the mouth, and walk away. Or, more accurately have a panic attack and run int he other direction...

Heartbroken2013 posted 1/11/2014 03:46 AM

I want 'her' to know, that NO he isn't dead ... he CHOSE to stop texting/ringing you because he loves ME! He stopped doing it because he thought enough of me (eventually lol) to stop doing it!

So in the end .... I won! You lose! I guess that's what you get for messing about with a MARRIED man!!!


In all fairness, the woman who stripped for him on webcam, didn't know he was married, didn't know he was 45, thought he was 24 ffs .... so I cant really put any blame on her, it was all down to him!

But 'her' the bitch with the phone .... she knew, she knew good and well that he was a married man, and I would love to tell her one day what she did to me and my marriage!!!

Its just something I would like to do, hurt her as much as she hurt me!

[This message edited by Heartbroken2013 at 3:48 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

cancuncrushed posted 1/11/2014 09:28 AM

Its just that. Its the not knowing. I know what they look like. I have seen them in person. My H will never confess. Its all semantics and twisting stories. A cause fear and doubt. WHen left unexplained, fear and doubt grow. Fear and doubt take over every waking moment. Its all very painful, but if you had remorseful H and had all the information, you have a specific place to move from. With not knowing, you just spin out of control. NEver knowing what this action or that action means. You search and test non stop. Still never knowing. Its sorta like someone handing you a wrapped gift, but telling you there might be a snake inside. You cant stop being jittery. You cant be close. ANd your mind makes the snake huge and poisonious with large teeth. Yet you cant see in.

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