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littlefoggy posted 1/9/2014 12:01 PM

I am the wage earner in the (former) relationship. STBXWH was a SAHD to DD.

We were married 4 years and DD is almost 2 years old.

He has moved out of the marital home. He is no longer the primary caregiver nor does he show any interest is seeing DD.

How was the divorce process for you?

Were you told to pay for STBX's lawyer (someone said I might be made to)?

EvenKeel posted 1/9/2014 12:28 PM

I think your state governs this unless you two can come to an independent agreement.

My friend said her WS was automatically eligible for support because she made more (he did work) AND he would get an increase as soon as her degree was finished because it gave her the opportunity for better jobs.

She was so upset since he was running round right under her nose and admitting it.

She was able to get him to agree to a fair distribution of assets so she didn't have to paid support.

Similar in my house (again, he worked but made less)...we drafted our own agreement of who got what. That included splitting the fee for the attorney.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:28 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Phoenix1 posted 1/9/2014 12:51 PM

I was the primary wage earner as he was unemployed when he left. I could have been on the hook for spousal support, but I drafted our agreement and he signed it. He didn't get a dime from me!

Newlease posted 1/9/2014 14:11 PM

Happens to BS men all the time. The lesser earning wife cheats and he is still on the line for attorney fees, SS, and CS. The system sucks. It doesn't care who did the cheating - it's all about formulas and money.


damncutekitty posted 1/9/2014 14:18 PM

It varies state by state, but since you were only married 4 years any SS you will have to pay will likely be temporary.

Get the best lawyer you can afford, right away. Get temporary orders regarding custody ASAP. He may realize that being a SAHD could get him more money and try to take her just to be an ass.

doggiediva posted 1/9/2014 14:21 PM

That is why I feel stuck and haven't filed for a D yet..My WH will be an ass and leave me financially destitute..

We have been married for 37 years..

My WH will ask for SS and part of my pension..

He probably wouldn't sign any agreement that I draft..

I don't have enough pension coming to me every month to cover SS on top of supporting myself on a bare bones budget..

Based on my sole income (monthly pension) being the only income available to support a two person household, we qualify for food stamps..

I have no intentions of going back to work until 1- My health is better 2- WH is firmly into a decent job..

Basically I don't want to go anywhere near a divorce court until I can show and it is obvious that WH can and has been able to support himself in the recent time period before the filing of the divorce papers...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:47 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

littlefoggy posted 1/9/2014 14:49 PM

How discouraging.

I don't even know how I am supposed to move on with this leech.

Let's hope he is not smart. And my lawyer is good.

Sounds like my best bet is drafting my own agreement.

one2ndchance posted 1/9/2014 15:03 PM

What you will have to pay depends on your income. You're lucky it is not a long term marriage, so any SS will be short term. The fact that you now have physical custody of your child will also play an important part if he tries to go for child custody and support. Make sure you document every day and minute he spends with your daughter since he left. If it's very little, that can be presented as evidence, should he make a move for custody

Rebreather posted 1/9/2014 15:15 PM

In my state a marriage that length would not be privy to any spousal support. I encourage you to contact an attorney to get the feel for your state laws.

neverwillhapn2me posted 1/9/2014 15:27 PM

Im a BH, im not sure about your state but in Ontario, Canada the length of marriage doesn't decide everything in regards to SS. The courts take into consideration from the day you lived with each other.

So if you have been living together for 8 years but married for 4. its the 8 years that matters.

I too am battling with the decision to D because I may have to pay SS. I have been married for 7 1/2 years but living together for 9years.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 1/9/2014 16:47 PM

Please check with an attorney. I have always made more than WH (like quite a bit more) and we have what is considered a long-term marriage. I will NOT be paying him SS.

I am currently unemployed but expect to get a job soon that will be significantly more than he makes. Still will not pay SS - because he is capable of working (and does have a job)

However, I had a consult this week and was told that if he files on me while I am still unemployed, he would owe me SS (short-term).

Your attorney can help guide you here. Each state is different and I'm finding that how the judges actually rule can vary by county.

doggiediva posted 1/9/2014 17:26 PM

In our no fault state, to be honest, judges aren't crazy about awarding SS, especially to the male... But jurisdictions in our state differ...With that said if my WH makes a point of fighting for SS, making me have to pay it would be taken under consideration by the court..With my long term marriage, I could possibly pay up to 15 years or indefinitely

littlefoggy posted 1/9/2014 17:38 PM

My attorney doesn't think he will get SS or custody.

She didn't mention anything about me paying for his lawyer, but a friend who was had a similar situation was made to pay for her husband's attorney. Yikes. I can barely afford mine.

I just can't imagine support myself and my child as a single mom and THEN supporting my asswipe ex on top of that.

still2suspicious posted 1/9/2014 17:41 PM

in my state SS is appx 3 yrs for every 10 yrs of M. So 4 yrs...yeah, not a lot.

Sending strength.

doggiediva posted 1/10/2014 10:39 AM

Still too suspicious, that is the formula in our state too..

Needless to say I think my only hope of walking away from D being able to support myself in a apt/home of my own (even when working) is to file for D after my WH gets a job and has been working for a while..

Thank God WH is processing into a new job today..We'll see how it goes..This the first time he is working outside the home in 2 years..He was receiving unemployment up until about 3 months ago..

I am glad that I retired and that it was due to health..I am also glad that I am paid full pension from my company.. I didn't want to grin and bear it thru chronic severe pain and numbness( of back and leg) to go on working my long long hours..And I was incensed that a lot of this money was supporting WH due to his lack of employment and refusal to be kicked out of the house..

So my intention for this year is to pull in much less income than I made when I was working.. My bare bones income of the last few months combined with WH's expenses/ our food expenses (that I don't pay) has forced WH to get desperate enough to find a job, lol..

In another few months, on to phase two of my plan towards D and escape..

In the meantime any work/money that I decide to pick up won't be deemed regular and/ or consistent..

Whew! I pray that I will be able to file for a D in 2014 from a WH who can be deemed self supporting and making better income than me..

I just wanted to say that I think careful timing in filing for the D can make a difference.. Good timing can make it possible to avoid walking away from a D with a lot of huge burdens and unfair obligations that can last (in my case) a life time..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:14 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

careerlady posted 1/10/2014 10:55 AM

I'm just starting out but I also make more, by about 50%. The Snake has a great 6 figure income which keeps increasing as he gets promotions, etc so the lawyer I talked to said we could use that argument to get the judge to deny SS. I am hoping we can do a written agreement though.

It really sucks as a BS to think about financing the WS's new lifestyle after you already financed (at least in part) their A's which ruined our families

doggiediva posted 1/10/2014 11:20 AM

@ career lady, I know what you mean..
I am already nearing my 60's..I don't want to be a lady in my 70's and 80's still having to work to finance my WH's single lifestyle at the detriment of my own..I am good at living on a barebones budget which I am actually happy with and okay with so long as I don't have to work outside the home...If I am gonna have to work, I want to see a benefit from the income I make, lol

littlefoggy posted 1/10/2014 11:29 AM

is exactly what I feel like doing when I think about it.

If I do end up paying him, I hope his testicles shrink a little everytime he spends a penny of the money I made.

careerlady posted 1/10/2014 12:26 PM

If I do end up paying him, I hope his testicles shrink a little everytime he spends a penny of the money I made.

you are nicer than me. I hope his penis shrinks ALOT and he goes impotent

He did say he didn't want my money though so we'll see

doggiediva posted 1/11/2014 21:02 PM

If WH touches any of my money I hope the Gods conspire to make his penis fall off..The only bad thing about his penis falling off is that it will probably fertilize an unsuspecting person's grass or feed some poor sewer rat ....

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