There are two A dates I've asked for, the date they went to a hotel(cash under OW's name?) & the day they went out of town together. WH says the only way to find out is if he contacts OW to see if she knows the answer. He wont do that & I don't want him to.
I find it hard to believe he can't provide an answer better than "I don't remember when."
The answers to these questions will help me determine if my suspicions at the time were correct or false. And if they were correct, the way he treated me to cover it. Thus allowing me to know if I should be trusting my gut or his current actions.
I've even asked 'was it before or after a specific event' and he just says I don't know.
Any suggestions on how I can get/help him to give me the answer I'm seeking?
[This message edited by soconfusednow at 1:36 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
Tiny details? Yeah,ok. But the big details? I think they know.
What is he doing to find these answers for you? He "doesn't remember?" Well then he needs to make it his job to find those answers for you. What is he doing to figure it out? Has he gotten out his calendars? Have the two of you sat down with the calendar and gone through this time period..so you can help "jog his memory?"
I find it kinda shitty that he says the only way to know these answers is for you to contact the OW. First, you should NEVER have to go to the OW for answers about your marriage and your husband. Second, that is far from the "only way." This statement alone tells me he hasn't even tried to find these answers for you.
As for whether you should trust your gut or his actions..a little of both,maybe? I don't know your background,or if he is in IC and doing the hard work to heal himself and work on his issues. If he has been honest since dday, no TT, no broken NC, and has showed consistent,genuine remorse then I think it's ok to trust his actions. But..your gut is nudging you for a reason.
IMO..you should always trust your gut over your WS. But YMMV.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by soconfusednow at 1:43 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
But OW is NOT the only source of information when it comes to getting answers to these questions. HE needs to figure it out and tell you. Has he gone through his calendar,date book,etc? What is he doing to get the answers you need?
I agree...do not contact OW. HE needs to figure it out.
How is he on dates, numbers, and sequences in general? Does he organize his experience in terms of dates or in other terms?
I can't get much in the way of dates, etc., from my W, and she takes a lot of notes! But the things she notes down aren't the things I would, and she doesn't connect dates and events much. She's very smart, just not about dates and sequences.
If your H remembers dates in general and generally talks about sequences and numbers, I'd lean towards 'he's lying'. If that stuff doesn't come naturally, he may generally not remember.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
MC asked if my questions are not asnwers would it prevent R? I said, "I don't think so, but it will make getting to forgiveness harder and longer". Also I can EXPECT WW to work really hard at getting me those answers in her IC.
Me: WH, 50+
Her: BW, 50+
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened over 15 years ago w/coworker)
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 7:00 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]