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Need answers, could he really not know?

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soconfusednow posted 1/9/2014 12:31 PM

We are talking about an A that was off and on over 8 months. During those 8 months we had 4 significant events in our life.

There are two A dates I've asked for, the date they went to a hotel(cash under OW's name?) & the day they went out of town together. WH says the only way to find out is if he contacts OW to see if she knows the answer. He wont do that & I don't want him to.

I find it hard to believe he can't provide an answer better than "I don't remember when."

The answers to these questions will help me determine if my suspicions at the time were correct or false. And if they were correct, the way he treated me to cover it. Thus allowing me to know if I should be trusting my gut or his current actions.

I've even asked 'was it before or after a specific event' and he just says I don't know.

Any suggestions on how I can get/help him to give me the answer I'm seeking?

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 1:36 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Morhurt posted 1/9/2014 12:40 PM

Hmmm, I can see him not remembering the exact date but it seems as if he's not even trying to remember the approximate time time frame. That's not ok in my opinion. If you need to know that info to heal and process then he needs to be willing to really work to come up with some info for you.

confused615 posted 1/9/2014 13:30 PM

"I don't know/remember" usually means, "I know, but I don't want to deal with the consequences that will come if I tell you so Im going to keep on being a selfish ass and not tell you."

Tiny details? Yeah,ok. But the big details? I think they know.

What is he doing to find these answers for you? He "doesn't remember?" Well then he needs to make it his job to find those answers for you. What is he doing to figure it out? Has he gotten out his calendars? Have the two of you sat down with the calendar and gone through this time period..so you can help "jog his memory?"

I find it kinda shitty that he says the only way to know these answers is for you to contact the OW. First, you should NEVER have to go to the OW for answers about your marriage and your husband. Second, that is far from the "only way." This statement alone tells me he hasn't even tried to find these answers for you.

As for whether you should trust your gut or his actions..a little of both,maybe? I don't know your background,or if he is in IC and doing the hard work to heal himself and work on his issues. If he has been honest since dday, no TT, no broken NC, and has showed consistent,genuine remorse then I think it's ok to trust his actions. But..your gut is nudging you for a reason.

IMO..you should always trust your gut over your WS. But YMMV.

soconfusednow posted 1/9/2014 13:41 PM

confused615 - He didn't suggest I contact the OW. He does claim she is his only source of info to find out and we don't want him to contact OW. I edited my post I hope that it isn't misleading anymore. Your post reinforces my thinking though.

YMMV?

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 1:43 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

cl131716 posted 1/9/2014 13:52 PM

I sort of did the same thing. Tried to figure out a timeline so I could remember his behavior at the time in order to recognize it if I need to at a later date. Problem is he was inconsistent. I thought his accusations were a sign but he didn't accuse me the last time until after I caught him. You can't make sense of crazy. Trust your gut, that's the only thing I've found that is consistent.

confused615 posted 1/9/2014 13:53 PM

Your Mileage May Vary.

But OW is NOT the only source of information when it comes to getting answers to these questions. HE needs to figure it out and tell you. Has he gone through his calendar,date book,etc? What is he doing to get the answers you need?

I agree...do not contact OW. HE needs to figure it out.

sisoon posted 1/9/2014 13:53 PM

How is he on other Q&A? Is he forthcoming?

How is he on dates, numbers, and sequences in general? Does he organize his experience in terms of dates or in other terms?

I can't get much in the way of dates, etc., from my W, and she takes a lot of notes! But the things she notes down aren't the things I would, and she doesn't connect dates and events much. She's very smart, just not about dates and sequences.

If your H remembers dates in general and generally talks about sequences and numbers, I'd lean towards 'he's lying'. If that stuff doesn't come naturally, he may generally not remember.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Bikingguy posted 1/9/2014 14:02 PM

What is for whatever reason this never gets answered? I ask you because that is what our MC asked me in response to some basic questions I have asked WW to anwer - And to date they are "I don't recall or remember".

MC asked if my questions are not asnwers would it prevent R? I said, "I don't think so, but it will make getting to forgiveness harder and longer". Also I can EXPECT WW to work really hard at getting me those answers in her IC.

steadfast1973 posted 1/9/2014 14:14 PM

Did this happen in the 90's or more recently?

broken0912 posted 1/9/2014 14:27 PM

I have had the same problem with my FWH. He can't remember almost anything. I have a meeting scheduled with OW's ex-friend, who says she will tell me whatever she can, but if I don't get the answers to the questions I need, I know I won't be able to R, and I have told him so. He still can't remember Shit and from what I can see hasn't even tried, even though he says he has. He has not interviewed anyone and he told a lot of people. He hasn't tried hypnotherapy. I have decided he would rather block it out and lose "us" than be uncomfortable and make any immense effort to recall these things. Good luck it is a hard road. We have been working on R for 16 months and have been stuck for nearly last 6 months.

hikingwithkoda posted 1/9/2014 15:04 PM

I'm terrible with dates. I could see not knowing the exact date, but come on, something like "First weekend in February" isn't that hard to figure out. This seems to be pretty typical WS behavior, doesn't it? Even my wife, who literally remembers the birthdays of all our friends (even my friends), suddenly "couldn't remember" when she had hooked up with the other man, in an affair that supposedly took place entirely within the previous 2 or 3 months.

steadfast1973 posted 1/9/2014 18:59 PM

I dunno, don't remember specific dates from past relationships. I know my xh and I got married on july 13, 1996. I don't remember when we got engaged, not even which month. I don't remember the date we started dating, either. It was either in september or october... Maybe november. See? At one point, that was important to me. Very. But... Once we split, it wasn't. It was painful... And then trivial. Pointless to hold onto. I remember the event. I remember how he gave me the ring. (I also don't even remember what street we lived on then... Weird...)

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 7:00 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

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