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allyk2014 posted 1/9/2014 13:07 PM

I fell in love with and married the most amazing man in the world. I didn't think it could be any more perfect. We were soul mates. I knew he needed constant attention, but didn't realize the extent, that is until we married.

Being married to him was a sentence of hell. He is extremely arrogant, always right, belittles, becomes emotionally abusive whenever confronted, blame shifts, gaslights, isolated me from family/ friends, goes into rages, and even became physically abusive the few times I had enough and threatened to leave. After putting up with a year long EA (I truly believe it was more by reading texts, him sneaking to her house, which he promised to end each time I discovered) and multiple women sending him topless photos (he's not sure why ), I kicked him out in October. Each time I discovered, I got the flowers, cards, dinners out, a weekend get a way, him professing his love and I was sucked right back in, feeding his narcissistic supply.

I was able to speak to his exW and discovered he did all of the same to W1 & W2, ultimately leaving each for his AP. He still swore he had never cheated physically, that she was crazy, lying, and trying to hurt us because she still "wanted him." Yes, he believes every woman wants him

He called a couple of weeks later to let me know he had been working on himself, missed me, and that I was the love of his life. I agreed to date him and got sucked right back in, again, feeding his narcissistic supply. A few weeks went by, and the same old pattern. I'd confront him, he went into a psychotic rage, kicked me out of his place, we didn't speak for 2 weeks, he charmed his way back in and repeat. This pattern continued. Things were amazing again in December. He promised counseling, took me on a few weekend getaways, dinners out, treated me like a princess and on Christmas Eve, dumps me, accusing me of cheating for not spending the evening before with him while he was sick! We got into it, I reminded him of everything he had put me through, he turned it around that I'm cheating and he said my expectations of him are too high.

He sent me several horrible texts right before New Years cutting down everything about me, I mean EVERYTHING! I responded by asking him why he has so much anger/hatred and he said it was because I don't have a clue and proceeded to cut me even more. He then asked to leave him alone and said he wants nothing to do with me. I had been. He contacted me.

Saturday night, I received a text from him asking if I am enjoying all of my men and asked what kind of person moves on so quickly. (I haven't even talked to another man) He has done that in the past and I have always responded with "you know better," which turns into us talking, him sucking me back in, and the cycle repeats. I ignored.

Why can't he just admit he has a problem. Why blame me for everything. Why can't he get help. I think that's what hurts the most. He doesn't care how he's hurt me. I've always felt bad for him because I know he was abandoned by a parent as a child. I know I can't respond. I'm getting my ducks in a row to file. A part of me still misses the good times, because the good times were extremely good. Another part of me has hope that he will eventually "get it." Anyone have experience dealing with a narcissist, please share.

cl131716 posted 1/9/2014 13:15 PM

Why can't he admit he has a problem? Simple answer, because he's a narcissist. He has no empathy and doesn't see the problem. He can't see beyond himself. I do believe some people with NPD can change but they have to want to. The sad part is most don't want to.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/9/2014 13:36 PM

NC. Rear-view mirror him and don't look back. Seriously.

There is so much irrationality inside his head that you will NEVER be able to figure it out or make sense of it. The BEST thing to do is remove yourself from it completely.

My stbx made me feel like a hologram -- a shimmery 'image' of an object that isn't real, kwim? It was the creepiest damn thing I've ever experienced. Words were put into my mouth, actions were bestowed on me -- based on some crazy storyline that he made up in his head (not reality).

steadfast1973 posted 1/9/2014 13:40 PM

Omg are you married to my XWH? that is exactly what he did to me, and his second wife.

PhantomLimb posted 1/9/2014 14:14 PM

This is my X, too.

It's really, really hard to deal with because, when they are good to you, they are perfect. Everything is amazing. It's hard for me to picture ever finding man that "fits" with me as well as X did when he was behaving himself, even if it was all an illusion. That's a mind fuck in and of itself.

But you can't recapture the good times you had with them after the seal is broken and they've started this abusive shit. And yours two ex-Ws to prove it. My X had an ex-fiancee with whom he had absolutely no communication, even though he told me they parted amicably. How much you wanna bet if I called her today she'd tell me a very different story about their breakup that sounds a hell of a lot like ours?

It's sort of like the NPD can live in a fantasy world for awhile, but eventually they can't keep it up anymore. The real them comes out eventually. And when it does, it's so nuts, it's disorienting.

I don't know if this helps, but my NPD X decided he didn't want R almost a year ago. We're now D and I haven't spoken to him in something like 9 or 10 months. During the breakup he sexually assaulted me, stole from me, I had to quit my job and he cost me $1000s.

I got an email from him out of the blue the other day because his father-- whom he hasn't had a relationship with since he was 9 years old-- passed away. The email was entirely about him and his pain, and he ended it with instructions for me not to call him or contact him.

Nuts, right?

THAT is the kind of thing these people do. And it doesn't stop. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of there. NC him. Don't look back!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:15 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Am_I_Crazy? posted 1/9/2014 17:36 PM

No response is the best response with a narcissist.

gutfeeling posted 1/9/2014 18:21 PM

I agree with no response.

quizical posted 1/9/2014 19:08 PM

I fell in love with what I thought was the perfect man- and he turned out to be a lot like your husband- with the exception of isolating me from family and friends.
My husband's first two wives- divorced him as well- and you know it "was all their fault" - he was just the innocent victim.
Every night it is more of the same.

Wishing you the best- I've already decided on my course of action- just waiting for ducks to waddle into place.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/9/2014 19:13 PM

I've always felt bad for him because I know he was abandoned by a parent as a child.

This is how he hooked you. Read up on narcissists and the pity play.

I am glad YOU have come out of the fog and are taking steps to get your own life back.

NaiveAgain posted 1/9/2014 21:43 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If he is truly narcissistic, he will NEVER get it. The empathy gene is absent. He can't grow it. He can't learn it. It is missing. He can fake it, but only for a while.

I have dealt with my share of NPD people also, married to one, friend of 20 years but no longer (she hid it well).

Google and read up on narcissists. You need to know exactly what you are dealing with here.

meredith132 posted 1/10/2014 03:34 AM

This sounds a lot like my ex. Its painful because you give so much to them and they completely discard you when they are finished with you.

I have had NC for a month for my own sanity. He would only continue to insult. I enjoy the fact he wasn't expecting this response from me. He would of expected lots of contact and lots of drama. He would of expected me to fight for him. I now realise I always smoothed the way after his piss poor behaviour.

Way I think is if he can't insult me, the only person he can insult is the OW. He can't control his temper when rattled. NC would have rattled him. I am sure OW has been told a number of times how its her fault he left his family etc etc.

He has no long term friends because I now realise that he moves on leaving a trail of distruction.

You won't change him. I thought giving my ex a loving home, family, security would tame him. It didn't.

I am still in early days its been 3 months since he went , 7 weeks since I caught him out so I feel your pain x (((((Hugs))))

marionwendy posted 1/10/2014 06:49 AM

My father is this man! The best predicament of future behavior is past behavior! Your WH is toxic IMO.... You deserve better, Free yourself of this man he is no longer your problem. Be true to you!

Ostrich80 posted 1/10/2014 07:56 AM

I finally figured out my sil is in this category. I ended a 25 yr friendship with her. These people make you feel crazy. They are always right and any time you don't agree with them, they get nasty. Having a conversation with her was like beating my head against a wall. Most don't change, you know why?? Because everyone else is effed up and they are faultless. If youhhave no kids with this man, I would run but only you.know what you can handle.

PhantomLimb posted 1/10/2014 09:41 AM

He has no long term friends because I now realise that he moves on leaving a trail of distruction.

You won't change him. I thought giving my ex a loving home, family, security would tame him. It didn't.


One of the hardest things you will have to face is the feeling that all of the effort you put into him isn't going to pay off in any way.

But the payoff will be that you'll see these red flags and avoid people like him in the future.

Whatdoido333 posted 1/10/2014 09:59 AM

My WH is NPD. I find that when he's done something he shouldn't be doing, he yells at me for doing something wrong. Example.... I knew he was up to something the other night (still don't know what, but he was acting off) but I never said a word about it. Then he made a comment that he forgot something at work and i guess the expression on my face wasn't the right one because he yelled at me and told me that was no way to respond!!

I can usually tell hen he's up to no good...that's hen I get picked on the most.

BelleStar posted 1/10/2014 10:11 AM

My XWBF is NPD and everything you all have said is so true.

He was married and divorced twice and it was never his fault and all his Xwifes and X GF's want him his mind only!

Now that I'm free from him after being discarded and trashed by him, I can see what and who he really is...I am so lucky to have gotten out of the relationship when I did.

I went no contact with him for 2 weeks and then he shows up at my home and tells me he is still in love with me and wants to get married!!????

He must have had a stroke or something cause I can't see myself marrying someone who is still living with the OW that he moved into his house the day after I moved out. Seriously, does he not see how f'd up he sounds?

allyk2014 posted 1/10/2014 18:43 PM

Everything you all said is so true! I can't believe I stayed through all of the abuse and psychotic rages. It makes me look weak. Anyone who has not been in this type of relationship could not understand the cycle of abuse. Every time it got bad, he became prince charming and I, wanting to save my marriage, always fell for it. I was so confident when I met him, so many friends. Now I have not only no self esteem, but no one.

I keep telling myself the horrible things he said to me are due to his own insecurities, but it is so hard to think he may actually believe it or he wouldn't have said it. I mean horrible things. They keep going through my head and I burst out crying hearing them over and over. The last thing he said to me was "looks and t-t's are only entertaining for so long, All you ever were to me was a lay and that's all you'll ever be to anyone. Besides, you'll probably look like your mom soon." This coming from my husband. It makes me physically sick. Why would he marry me, knowing what a selfish pos he is. Why do that to me and my kids. I honestly believed he loved me. Sorry. I'm having a hard night, alone and can't stop crying.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/10/2014 21:21 PM

"looks and t-t's are only entertaining for so long, All you ever were to me was a lay and that's all you'll ever be to anyone. Besides, you'll probably look like your mom soon."

Don't chalk his words up to his insecurities because that is being waaayyy too nice. You know that is true because you spoke to his ex who dealt with the same shit.

NC this guy in the biggest way possible. His only purpose in life right now is to emotionally annihilate you -- do NOT give him the opportunity to do that.

One of my kids is special needs. He is the sweetest child on the planet (ok, so I'm biased, but he IS a totally cool kid ). My stbx totally solidified his *I suck as a human* status when he stated to me (more than once) that no one would want me (as in *me, gonna*) with a kid like DS.

Look at what he said to you. Use it to find your anger and your "Go Fuck Yourself" attitude....then slip on those bitch boots.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:22 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

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