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Newest Member: Sunflower96

New Beginnings :
Hey All

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 Jimi40 (original poster member #10909) posted at 7:16 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Well, it's been a long time. I have been through the ringer and back.

I find myself in need of the insights of my friends here once again.

Quick recap; wife left for another man, wife came back, wife got sick (cancer), wife passed away.

Now I'm starting anew, with someone who happened to come back into my life from years ago. We're talking 20 plus years. We've both been through lifes trials and tribulations, and now have each other. Problem?? I find myself letting the past make me question everything. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and just plain stupid. My new love has never given me a reason to doubt her, yet, I compare everything to the past. HELP!!!!!!!

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

posts: 5524   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2006   ·   location: Niagara
id 6631854
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 7:23 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Hi, Jimi. Welcome back.

It's been about a year since your wife died, right? How long have you been seeing your new love?

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6631869
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hexed ( member #19258) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

((jimi)))

nice to see you. one day at a time. actions not words. Remember trust builds over time. Its not instant right? Don't be too hard on yourself. Can you work with an IC on this?

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

posts: 9609   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2008
id 6631870
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 Jimi40 (original poster member #10909) posted at 7:28 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

NIK!!!! Hexed!!!!! I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone here.

Since Sept. NIK.

I know Hexed.

It's like I see demons where there should be angels. I'm thinking about getting some counseling. Probably should have before now.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

posts: 5524   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2006   ·   location: Niagara
id 6631880
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MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 7:29 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

IC sounds like a great path, Jimi.

posts: 54450   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2007
id 6631882
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 Jimi40 (original poster member #10909) posted at 7:55 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Maybe I'm just a pessimist, pessimist, pissedamist, you know what I mean.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

posts: 5524   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2006   ·   location: Niagara
id 6631929
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lost_in_space ( member #24302) posted at 9:26 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

I think some mistrust and paranoia is normal. IC sounds like a fantastic idea.

What I do is watch and listen and keep my mouth shut when thoughts of previous trauma kick in...lol. And repeat to myself, "this person is not my ex."

I figure if I'm a good moral person then there must be more of us. There's no way I'm the only one on this earth. They're innocent until proven guilty so I'm going to enjoy the companionship but stay aware and listen to my gut.

Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.





posts: 3513   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2009
id 6632080
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 9:37 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Those mistrusting instincts didn't just appear - they were programmed into you for a reason. They've served their purpose, however, and it's time for a defrag to clean up the hard drive. IC sounds like a good plan.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6632100
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 10:31 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Jimi!!!!!!!

FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55950   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 6632185
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 11:33 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Hi Jimi...it's good to see you!

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 6632297
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 11:50 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

Hey, Jimi,

I found it was very helpful to do this: First, self-soothe with a mantra such as "this person is not my ex. Don't tar him with the same brush." Second, to explore my reaction. WHY did I have that reaction to his action? What triggered me? Third, I told myself that I was fine before he came along, and I would be fine if this didn't work out. Fourth, I would then plan to talk to him about it if I really felt it was still an issue (it has never been an issue--most of my fears are triggers or my own insecurities).

I think IC is a good idea.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33182   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 6632331
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NaiveAgain ( member #20849) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, January 10th, 2014

Hi Jimi!

Counseling is a good idea. I do try to listen to my gut more now than I used to. If it is tingling, I try to figure out why, if it is a trigger, or if there is something going on right now that is making it tingle. And if I can't tell the difference, I am lucky to have someone who is fine with me telling him my feelings and we talk them through.

I do realize now that I am older with a bit more experience (I was going to say mileage but I think we will go with experience instead ) I don't give trust as easily. I used to trust everyone, now I kind of sit back and watch someone's actions over time to see if they jive with their words.

Good to see you again!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

posts: 16236   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2008   ·   location: Ohio
id 6632393
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inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 12:58 AM on Friday, January 10th, 2014

welcome back!

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6632431
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cass ( member #24261) posted at 7:26 PM on Saturday, January 11th, 2014

Welcome back Jimi.

Whatever your issues or concerns, we have your back.

Instincts first then actions. Follow these in genuine reflection of life's experiences and you won't go far wrong. I.C and staying with S.I. will also help you through

Good luck.

DDay - April 2008
Me - 58 and doing great, alone.

Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket!

posts: 5188   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2009   ·   location: Scotland
id 6635072
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 Jimi40 (original poster member #10909) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2014

All good, a little quality time and some talking does wonders. Thanx all.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

posts: 5524   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2006   ·   location: Niagara
id 6637840
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heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 7:44 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2014

Hi Jimi!

Welcome back.

Talking through things with your new love interest is super important. It's also hard to do.

I second (third, fourth?) the suggestion you take yourself to a counselor for some guidance as you navigate your NB. It's been HUGE for my healing.

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 6637914
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