SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Jimi40 posted 1/9/2014 13:16 PM

Well, it's been a long time. I have been through the ringer and back.

I find myself in need of the insights of my friends here once again.

Quick recap; wife left for another man, wife came back, wife got sick (cancer), wife passed away.

Now I'm starting anew, with someone who happened to come back into my life from years ago. We're talking 20 plus years. We've both been through lifes trials and tribulations, and now have each other. Problem?? I find myself letting the past make me question everything. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and just plain stupid. My new love has never given me a reason to doubt her, yet, I compare everything to the past. HELP!!!!!!!

nowiknow23 posted 1/9/2014 13:23 PM

Hi, Jimi. Welcome back.

It's been about a year since your wife died, right? How long have you been seeing your new love?

hexed posted 1/9/2014 13:24 PM

((jimi)))

nice to see you. one day at a time. actions not words. Remember trust builds over time. Its not instant right? Don't be too hard on yourself. Can you work with an IC on this?

Jimi40 posted 1/9/2014 13:28 PM

NIK!!!! Hexed!!!!! I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone here.

Since Sept. NIK.

I know Hexed.

It's like I see demons where there should be angels. I'm thinking about getting some counseling. Probably should have before now.

MovingUpward posted 1/9/2014 13:29 PM

IC sounds like a great path, Jimi.

Jimi40 posted 1/9/2014 13:55 PM

Maybe I'm just a pessimist, pessimist, pissedamist, you know what I mean.

lost_in_space posted 1/9/2014 15:26 PM

I think some mistrust and paranoia is normal. IC sounds like a fantastic idea.

What I do is watch and listen and keep my mouth shut when thoughts of previous trauma kick in...lol. And repeat to myself, "this person is not my ex."

I figure if I'm a good moral person then there must be more of us. There's no way I'm the only one on this earth. They're innocent until proven guilty so I'm going to enjoy the companionship but stay aware and listen to my gut.

nowiknow23 posted 1/9/2014 15:37 PM

Those mistrusting instincts didn't just appear - they were programmed into you for a reason. They've served their purpose, however, and it's time for a defrag to clean up the hard drive. IC sounds like a good plan.

wifehad5 posted 1/9/2014 16:31 PM

Jimi!!!!!!!

Deeply Scared posted 1/9/2014 17:33 PM

Hi Jimi...it's good to see you!

Catwoman posted 1/9/2014 17:50 PM

Hey, Jimi,

I found it was very helpful to do this: First, self-soothe with a mantra such as "this person is not my ex. Don't tar him with the same brush." Second, to explore my reaction. WHY did I have that reaction to his action? What triggered me? Third, I told myself that I was fine before he came along, and I would be fine if this didn't work out. Fourth, I would then plan to talk to him about it if I really felt it was still an issue (it has never been an issue--most of my fears are triggers or my own insecurities).

I think IC is a good idea.

Cat

NaiveAgain posted 1/9/2014 18:36 PM

Hi Jimi!
Counseling is a good idea. I do try to listen to my gut more now than I used to. If it is tingling, I try to figure out why, if it is a trigger, or if there is something going on right now that is making it tingle. And if I can't tell the difference, I am lucky to have someone who is fine with me telling him my feelings and we talk them through.

I do realize now that I am older with a bit more experience (I was going to say mileage but I think we will go with experience instead ) I don't give trust as easily. I used to trust everyone, now I kind of sit back and watch someone's actions over time to see if they jive with their words.

Good to see you again!

inconnu posted 1/9/2014 18:58 PM

welcome back!

cass posted 1/11/2014 13:26 PM

Welcome back Jimi.

Whatever your issues or concerns, we have your back.

Instincts first then actions. Follow these in genuine reflection of life's experiences and you won't go far wrong. I.C and staying with S.I. will also help you through

Good luck.

Jimi40 posted 1/13/2014 12:59 PM

All good, a little quality time and some talking does wonders. Thanx all.

heartbroken_kk posted 1/13/2014 13:44 PM

Hi Jimi!

Welcome back.

Talking through things with your new love interest is super important. It's also hard to do.

I second (third, fourth?) the suggestion you take yourself to a counselor for some guidance as you navigate your NB. It's been HUGE for my healing.