"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/9/2014 13:22 PM

I have gone through this ordeal twice now...2 WS's. This time I am in my fifties and my recovery is slower and still have depression a year out. Can my age be the difference or maybe because 2nd marriage was a little longer. Just trying to figure out why I still have the blues. Appreciate input from BS's in their 50's.

Newlease posted 1/9/2014 15:16 PM

I think it depends on lots of things - length of marriage - amount of time spent in trying to R or limbo - whether there was a false R - and, yes age.

I was 44 when this went down but I spent the years of 19 through 44 with XWH. It was my entire adult life. It took me a good 3-5 years to get over it (even though I had a bad relationship during that time and some short lived dating). I suffered through a false R and XWH pulled the trigger on filing for D.

However, age does have it's good points. When you are older you are in no rush to find a father for your children or to start a new family. You have a lower tolerance for putting up with crap. You are coming into your own. I guess it's all in how you frame it. I finally feel like a grown up if that makes sense. I can do as I please and mostly get away with it. At 53 I'm not trying to impress anyone - you get what you see.

I'm not sure what you mean by recover, but that's pretty individual too. Do you want to date again? Marry again? Just leave the house? Not be depressed? That all requires some work no matter what age you are.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/9/2014 15:36 PM

Thanks for the input. I don't know why my recovery so hard. No I do not want to date but wondering why men and my ex so easily find someone after divorce and move on so quickly at my age and us gals don't.

nowiknow23 posted 1/9/2014 15:43 PM

No I do not want to date but wondering why men and my ex so easily find someone after divorce and move on so quickly at my age and us gals don't.

I don't think it's a matter of men vs women. I think that often the people who seem to recover and move on quickly tend to be those who aren't examining and processing things. They're just rinsing and repeating.

ajsmom posted 1/9/2014 15:54 PM

Two time BS here - first time, mid 20's; this time, early 50's.

Without a doubt the first time was easier, at least for me.

First, it was in the pre-personal computing/smart phones attached to the hip days. As I was younger (though with an infant) I think I had more hooztpa to call it quits right away. We were only married just shy of five years when the A was discovered and I simply cut my losses.

I waited a full year to date (needed the little one to get older), met my latest WH some time later and we married three years after that.

With him it was a long-term marriage (20 years; 23 together), more invested in each other, more investments period, and though the deal breaking AP lived out of state (he's had multiple AP's), computers and his phone kept her/them alive and well in his mind and eyes even from 1,300+ miles away.

Ain't no one got energy to fight that!

I didn't feel scarred from the first one - this one, incredibly so.

It has shaped and changed me forever, and not in good ways.

AJ's MOM

shiloe posted 1/9/2014 19:49 PM

Yes. Rebounding from the mental and physical effects of infidelity in later life is so much harder. I went through this at 41. Now 11 yrs. later. I know, deep down, I know I cannot make a complete recovery this time. And I do everything that I can to try. There is too much deep damage. And with older age comes the inevitable ageing problems, arthritis, and loss of hormones, gray hair, and weight gain no matter how hard you try. Life just gets harder with age in most aspects.
As a girl ages, her market value decreases, and often fairly rapidly.
A woman’s market value is at her highest between the ages of 16 and 25 (possibly up to 30 if she really takes care of herself and is lucky). During this age range, women are at their most attractive to men. They can rely on their looks and ‘sexiness’ to attract guys (and, often, manipulate men for their own gain).
As a women reaches 30 and beyond, her market value rapidly decreases and she becomes less attractive to men. Once she reaches the menopause, most men look at her as someone to date if they don’t have the “stuff” to turn a younger woman’s eye.
Contrast this with how men age and what ageing means to a man’s market value….
As a man gets towards 30, his market value rapidly increases. He starts to look more manly in his appearance, and he starts to act more manly in his personality because he is maturing. Often, he has more career and financial success too. All these traits increase his market value and therefore his attractiveness towards women.
A guy in his 30s, 40s and 50s and sometimes even older can still be massively attractive to women and date women who are much, much younger than himself. But a woman in her 30s, 40s, 50s and over is going to find attracting a man much harder work.
See, women have the power when they’re younger, but after 30 the power balance shifts rapidly and a women loses her seductive power, whereas a man GAINS his power.
There is a saying, ‘Men age like fine wine, women age like milk’.
And as someone already pointed out, ALOT of older men leave their long-term wife for a younger woman and the “stuff” he has to catch a younger trophy woman was usually gotten with the help of the “old” wife.
It is just the way of the world.

kernel posted 1/9/2014 20:12 PM

I think it depends on lots of things - length of marriage - amount of time spent in trying to R or limbo - whether there was a false R - and, yes age.

I agree with Newlease. I've only been through the ordeal once, after 25 years of marriage and it really cut me off at the knees. It's 4 years after D-day now and I feel 95% healed. Not dating yet but seriously thinking about it. I figure 100% healed once I jump in that pool.

Anyhoo, some of the best advice I have read on this board is to stop focusing on what is going on in the X's life and focus on your own. No comparing. After all, he's a lying, cheating POS, and you don't want any part of that. Start working on letting go. I really had to train myself to change my thinking - force myself to think about something, anything else. It sounds silly, but it works. I was determined not to let his actions define me forever - it just took a while for that determination to pull me through the grief and anger and hurt.

Hugs to you, you can do this. You're stronger than you think.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:13 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/9/2014 20:27 PM

Thanks for all the great insight...but I too believe it is a man's world and as women age we tend to get thrown to the curb especially as we age and so facing this as an older woman I found it more difficult in recovering. Just getting back on my financial feet is next to impossible at this age. Not only do not care to date, do not trust any man for friendship or anything...sorry any guys out there. I mean no disrespect...just where I am at right now in my feelings.

Oh the Irony posted 1/9/2014 21:10 PM

Shiloe!!! OMG. I'm 44 and the sexiest I've been in my life. Men love me! (Well, at least in my mind!) Older men, younger men...it's all about attitude.

[This message edited by Oh the Irony at 9:10 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

SoHappyNow posted 1/10/2014 07:40 AM

OhTheIrony, I agree! I'm 65, obese AND wheelchair dependent. But my eyes sparkle and my smile is big and I can always find someone to flirt with, from young to old. It's attitude, attitude, attitude when we're discussing attractive or not, IMHO.

My fiance once told me, while we were only friends and my late husband was still alive, that I was so beautiful from the inside out.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 7:42 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

EvenKeel posted 1/10/2014 08:03 AM

I found the fact that it was my second failed marriage depressing moreso than time or age.

Even though ex is the one that had the As and my head KNOWS it is because HE is broken (not me)....I couldn't help to feel that stigma of "ohhhhh - what is wrong with her, she has been married twice"

I got over that but I do remember that being part of my healing process.

AppalachianGal posted 1/10/2014 09:38 AM

I think its much harder as we age. I'm 41. The ONS happened when I was 21, just found out late December. Had I known this then, I know w/o a doubt I would have bounced back quicker. I was young, full of life, hadn't been married but 3 yrs, hot as hell and I could have moved on and he'd have been sorry. All joking aside, I'm in a totally different mindset now at 41. I am depressed. I'm 40 lbs over my ideal weight, I feel too old to "start over" and go through the same BS with someone else. Yet, I feel like I am in hell by staying in this marriage. At 21, I would have taken on the world!

shiloe posted 1/10/2014 10:50 AM

Shiloe!!! OMG. I'm 44 and the sexiest I've been in my life. Men love me! (Well, at least in my mind!) Older men, younger men...it's all about attitude.

Oh the Irony
I understand and at 44 I felt that way too. But 44 is not 54. Big difference. Past menopause. Lots of physical changes and men my age are mostly looking for younger. It is what it is.
From an article:
If it feels as if the remarriage odds are bad for a woman in her 50s, they are. According to 2001 census data, 41 percent of women 50 and over who’ve been divorced have remarried, while 58.4 percent of divorced men that age are remarried.
“That’s the biggest remarriage gap for all age groups,” said Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center at Auburn University. “Among the divorced, the least marriageables in our society are older women, highly educated who make a good salary.”
“Studies show men tend to marry down — someone slightly younger, less educated, making less money,” Dr. Adler-Baeder said. “Women in their 50s literally don’t have a visible pool of eligible men around them

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/fashion/13genb.html?_r=2&scp=1&sq=In%20Her%2050s,%20Looking%20for%20Love&st=cse&

Then add the damage to your psyche from the infidelity and it is very hard to rebound when older.

Newlease posted 1/10/2014 11:03 AM

I guess if marriage is what you are after these stats are very depressing. I know quite a few women who are over 50 - some over 60 - who are single and loving life. They aren't looking for marriage because they are independent and happy with their lives. They don't lack for male company and they are average looking women - slightly over-weight, some character in their faces, etc.

The one thing they do have going for them is that the happiness comes from within. They make the best of their circumstances and they develop a wide net of friendships. These are not wealthy women - far from it. But they live within their means and make sure to budget some money for fun. They go out dancing every weekend, with or without a date. They take road trips together, they are involved in charities, community life, and government.

It's all in how you frame it. Don't compete with those younger women who have so many life lessons yet to learn. Revel in your hard-earned wisdom. Make the best of life!

NL

InnerLight posted 1/10/2014 23:55 PM

I'm 53 and went through S/D when I was 48. I was hit really hard with the whole mess. Most painful thing I've been through and I've been through a lot in my life. We were married 20 years and I loved him and was very attached. We had dreams, assets, shared families that were all destroyed. It has taken me a long time. Relationships when I was younger were shorter (3-5 years) with no assets and there is just no comparison.

I went through menopause at the same time as all these big losses and it was very intense.

The good thing about recovering when you are older is that you know yourself more. You have a tool box of self-help techniques and skills to draw on that help you be resilient in the face of stress. When I was younger I did not know myself as well, did not have the ways to stay in balance as I do as a mature woman. I know more about how to reach out and find skilled support in counselors, coaches and good friends. I was able to dig deep and find a way to navigate through the mess and gain a lot of wisdom and confidence in the process.

I've also found a new vitality and sexiness within myself that I never would have thought possible. I had the absolute best time dating in my 50s, much much much better fun than dating when I was young. I found a wonderful man to spend time with and we have a great time, including the best lovemaking ever. I have no desire to get married or even live together. I am enjoying life. I have my down moments and once in a while my down days. I haven't recovered financially but I'm doing pretty good and have a rich life.