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Newest Member: Morrigan1310 (61472)

User Topic: Need help on how to respond.
♀ 40954
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH asked me how he should respond. One of his friends had a ONS. He is married with kids. He is not very happy with his wife. H wanted to know what I thought he should do.

At first, I honestly didn't know. I don't want another person to have to walk through this hell. BUT, here's what I think...please let me know your thoughts.

His friend needs to tell his wife what happened. Yes he could get away with it, but nothing changes (not to mention all the risks). If he doesn't tell her, even if he gets away with it nothing changes...he likely continues his selfish risky behavior and they stay unhappy with each other. They may be able to work through it, but she deserves to be part of that decision.

Any thoughts. - WS comments welcome.

Me: 43 (BS)
Him:40 (FWH)
Married:13 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years
Divorce 5/2016

Posts: 104 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did this friend boast to your H or confide because he feels guilty?

When the "friend" tells his wife I would open up the lines of communication and direct her right here....

If the friend says he won't tell his wife....well,then I would. She needs to be tested for STD's at the very least and she should be able to live her own truth.

(((hugs))) it sucks

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♂ 41873
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also agree with Karma - his attitude in telling your husband is key here.

If he is regretful, he should definitely tell. I am in the exact same position as he is (i.e., married with kids).

I had my issues, and I confessed to my wife - albeit with TT.

I never told my friends about what happened, so there is no risk there, but I just couldn't hold it in.

There are those on here who will tell you that they don't have to tell. I don't disagree with them - each situation is unique and different, but given my situation, I will ALWAYS recommend telling the truth.

Even if it's telling the truth about something shitty, you're already becoming a better person by owning it and not hiding anymore.

Good luck.

Me: FWH, 36
Her: BS, 35
Married: 9 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys, 6 & 7

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Upon finding out something like this, my feeling is that there is only one answer. To tell the WH that either he tells his wife or I will. And if I have to do it, then this friendship is over. But if he tells his wife, I will try to be there for both of them.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10056 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Years before my husbands A my good friend cheated on her H. She was so excited about this amazing thing happening to her. I was sick. I told her either she tells him or I will. She begged me not to but I knew she crossed a line. She told him and they got a D. Months later she got pregnant by a different guy who she married and has cheated on her multiple times. After being a BS I am so glad I forced her to tell H. He actually wanted to work things out with her but she didn't want it. Now she wishes she was still with him. She has " found God" and refuses to leave her cheating spouse. She thinks divorce is a sin and she has it coming. You have to tell the BS so she can protect herself from STD's if nothing else.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone, she needs to know. I hope he is able to tell her.

Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to think I'd tell the guy to tell his W by such and such date or I'll tell her. Then I'd start praying he tells her. If he didn't, I'd hope I'd spill the beans - his W deserves to know.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16789 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 8

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