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Broke NC and I'm a wreck

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KJac posted 1/9/2014 16:27 PM

Had to call STBX today as DS16 missed the wrestling bus (traveling out of town) - I had to take DD11 to her IC this morning and then had to be to work by 10:30 - also had to stop and pick up a prescription for DS16 that I dropped off w/his coach - son didn't answer his phone all morning and finally called me on my lunch break about 11:30ish freaking out cause the bus left at 11a.m. So I quickly called STBX to see if he could try and catch the bus (this didn't work out) and then proceeded to engage... I just couldn't take it anymore.

I got the treat of listening to him tell me how great his life is now. How he a completely changed person from the guy he was 5 months ago how this was necessary for him to "fix" himself blah blah blah. He also disclosed that DS16 has been having other problems (lying, conflicts w/some boys from a family that are close family friends of ours) - this is the same kid that I've posted about previously who was having lots of problems. Well, I lost it. Not to the point of hysterics but damn close. (My mom got the hysterics after)

First I ripped him for not informing me about DS16 - he replied "I handled it" - he handled it by telling our son that that's what happens when you have to deal w/said family (as in - "they're the messed up ones) - I said first of all stop giving son advice. HE is the one w/problems right now!! What he did was NOT OKAY. Then he said he didn't need to tell me about it because it was not a big deal. I told him he had another kid's PARENTS call him (more than once) about our son's behavior - you GD BET I need to be informed!!!!!!! In a nutshell DS16 is lying, blameshifting and gaslighting about his behavior right now. Gee - I wonder where he learned to act like this???? DS started IC yesterday so hopefully I can get some help for him.

After telling me what a wonderful guy he is now - 5 months after the last DDay and 2 months after false R AGAIN - how it's all about him now - so he can feel good about himself and be a good dad I pointed out the 200 times his statements were all about HIM again he also points out he is doing this for ME too???? So we can someday be in the same room together???? I said please don't be mistaken - I will NEVER be your friend. If you wanted to be such a great dad then you would not have DESTROYED your kids' family!! But see that's why he's getting all this help - and then I'm the one that wanted the divorce. I said I never WANTED a divorce - YOU left me NO CHOICE because you DID NOT/WOULD NOT stop cheating on me and YOU KNOW IT!!! But alas, he told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore. What a fucking piece of shit he is. I don't want to hurt you anymore so instead of STOPPING what I'm doing to hurt you, I'll just FILE for divorce and break apart my kids' world. What a fucking genius.

Then he asks me "how's everything else - how are you doing"? WTF???? and yes, I lost it some more and said well how do you think I am?? You played me for a fool (I don't want a D, then can we share an L, etc.) and BLINDSIDED me w/divorce papers, served in the mail, 2 days before Thanksgiving??? Does it make you feel good to be so cruel??? He then says well I knew you were thinking that you were going to do that to me and that you would try and get everything and that I'd just be stupid about this! - I then responded "when in the last nearly 20 years have I EVER treated you that way?" - he got quiet for a minute and then said "never". I then just said gotta go and hung up on him. Haven't talked to him since.

I'm an emotional wreck. I am so so so so emotionally shattered right now. I am so hurt. Now what? What do I do to STOP this? I have been reading about co-dependency and CLEARLY have serious issues. I don't know how to have an emotion/feeling that is not just a direct reaction to him and I don't know how to take my power back. Please help me - 2x4's welcome at this point. Anything.

NewMom0220 posted 1/9/2014 16:35 PM

First....take a deep breath. Relax...don't beat yourself up.

Everything you said was true, warranted, normal, etc. You had a trigger and you reacted. It happens. To all of us. No one is perfect. In the grand scheme of things, this is just going to be that time you went off on your ex.

Your power isn't lost. You feel like it's lost because you lost your cool. I know how you feel. You've worked hard to get to the point where you are now, and you feel you've thrown it all away by reacting and letting him see you upset/frazzled/angered.

But please don't feel so hard on yourself. You should be proud of yourself for going through all that you've been through and not ending up in a looney bin. It's crazy making how breezy they can come off when they've ruined everyone's life.


Right now just be nice to yourself and say, everyone has a bad day, a low moment, or something to regret. Don't let him get to you. You are awesome and amazing and you are doing great even though you don't feel that way right now.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:59 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

shiloe posted 1/9/2014 17:04 PM

It's crazy making how breezy they can come off when they've ruined everyone's life.

But they don’t think they have ruined anyone’s life. They just think the BS will be fine and go on to find a new love and everyone will be happy and the WS and BS will be buds and . . . .no big deal. That is why they think they can be “friends”.

What is especially hard is when the BS is left in later life . . . late 40’s and 50’s and on . . because society places little value on menopausal women as future mates. However, an older man . . . . especially one with good earning capacity and assets (usually accumulated with the help of the BS) is in much demand and can turn the heads of younger women too.
Plus the older you are the harder it is to rebound from such a horrific blow.

Just a sh*t load of injustice and evil.

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:05 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

betrayed13yrs posted 1/9/2014 17:18 PM

I know exactly what you mean about being co-dependent. I have been with STBX since we were 15 and 14. I can't make any decisions on my own, I try to justify everything to everyone, I feel like I am stupid and worthless....the list goes on. And I soooooo know what you mean about them acting all happy cheery, ASSHOLES!!!! If you figure out how to take your power back please let me know! Until then, FUCK that guy and all the other cheaters in the world!!!

What really gets me is why the hell do the good people in the world have all of the worst luck while evil vindictive pieces of shit have all the luck in the world!?!?!? I came to an answer yesterday. It's because they are already going straight to hell so the devil doesn't need to tempt them anymore. It's us good souls that have so many obstacles in life because it's those obstacles that we overcome that make us get through the golden gates! HAHAHA I love it. And no I am not a religious person, but it sure is a hell of a good scenario in my mind:)

ItHappened2Me2 posted 1/9/2014 18:31 PM


Take a deep breath. Just breathe.

I get it -- I really, really get it. I'm waiting for mine to serve me. But he is currently in the stage of "lets be amicable and share an attorney" -- the attorney that represented him in the past so I'd have to sign a waiver of the conflict of interest.

He is crazy making -- and it got to you. So breathe and regroup.

You are doing GREAT with all the shit he has handed you. And he thinks the kids won't be impacted at all. And he thinks a whole lot of other stuff. But just because that is what he thinks, doesn't mean it is true.

You know your kids are struggling and YOU are the one getting them help. Please tell me you have an IC too.

Tomorrow is another day. Get a good night sleep. It'll get better and soon you won't care about what he says or thinks (at least that's what I'm hoping and the "old-timers" on here say it does happen with time).

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/9/2014 22:29 PM

You are in a very difficult position and we all know that rage and hurt that comes every time we engage with liars. I still keep a slip of paper with me where 2 years ago I was at the same stage. It helped me to stop engaging:

The one who holds their tongue is the one who holds the power. In the war of words...silence is the winning hand.

lifestoshort posted 1/9/2014 22:56 PM

I would have said, I am fabulous. thanks for letting me see the real you so I can have a better happier life by having you out of mine.

BAB61 posted 1/9/2014 23:30 PM

You had a good reason to call, the next time, keep it about the kids. Just tell him what you need from him (get the bus, drive the kids, etc.) if he tries to make it about him, interrupt (which they HATE) and then bring the discussion back to what you need. Say "I have to go!" if the convo revolves around him ... it's not something you need to be polite about. "I'm sorry, I need to go, bye!" CLICK .. THE POWER OF THE HANG-UP!! I much prefer texting ... buahahaha.

KJac posted 1/10/2014 07:57 AM

Ugh :/ - So did the ego kibbles the POS got yesterday invite this?? Now he's texting me @ 7:30 in the morning to "check" if DS16 is up yet??? Wanted to inform me son has class at 8. My only response - "8:30" Man, he's a fucking superdad, ain't he??

I have/will go dark on him again. I simply cannot and will not "co-parent" w/this guy - parallel parenting, I guess? First, because of my co-dependent issues if I coP w/him I will end up parenting him as well. He would have ZERO relationship w/his kids if it wasn't for me basically forcing him to do the limited amount of parenting he did in the past. He spent NO time w/them outside of the home prior to separation - as in NEVER took them anywhere or did anything fun w/them - NEVER. The things he tries to do now, like taking them out for dinner or offering to go to movies or the mall? Guess who suggested those things?? The kids mostly decline his invites (as in 95% of the time) and I had to work REALLY hard to stay out of it and stop trying to "fix" it for him. He literally asked me what he should do?? When I calmly replied "I don't know, you caused the damage, you need to fix it yourself w/them" he was dumbfounded. That quickly turned to accusations of me alienating them from him. I have repeatedly had to "correct" him on this by reminding him I have not ever nor will not ever do anything to add to their pain and fucked up world if I can help it at all. And yes asshat, ripping on their DAD or discouraging a relationship for them would ADD to their pain so get the fuck over the blaming me for your consequences. Your choices. Own your shit.

Oops, I forgot, he informed me yesterday he's a changed man now. In 5 months he has turned into a completely different person.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 1/10/2014 08:00 AM

Oops, I forgot, he informed me yesterday he's a changed man now. In 5 months he has turned into a completely different person

Delusional much?????

nowiknow23 posted 1/10/2014 08:10 AM

((((KJac)))) You know, honey - breaking NC and losing it with the STBX is pretty much a rite of passage here. Nothing reinforces the need to stay NC more than breaking it and seeing how much we are hurt by doing so. I honestly can't remember anyone getting through their D without learning this one the hard way (and I even repeated the lesson multiple times ).

badmedicine posted 1/10/2014 16:42 PM


This sounds sooo hard. He really knows how to push your buttons about your kids. I agree with the posters above me who said when you break NC this is how it feels. I'm not surprised he texted this morning, just feeling out the waters again.

I know you feel bad that you lost your cool with him but it could have been worse. You didn't tell him that you missed him or agree to spend time with him or let him come over to stay. You just said words and you can recover from those. I don't think you need 2x4s because I imagine you felt enough guilt, pain, and disappointment in yourself even as you were having the conversation. I'm sorry your STBX is such a tool.

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