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byefornow posted 1/9/2014 16:39 PM

I found out my husband had a LTA for 2 years on 10/18. I asked him to leave the house. he left and stayed in 3 different hotels over the next 5 weeks. He asked to come home for thanksgiving/christmas with our college age children. Before I agreed, he signed a statement that he would honor me and tell me the truth.
well, that didn't happen.
and i found out more lies on 1/2-1/5.
i have asked him to leave again this sunday. i will take my youngest back to college and have asked my husband to be gone when i get back.
we have been married 28 years. i have known him for 32.
to say my soul is crushed is an understatement.
truly, how do you all heal from this mess?
what do i do? this time when i asked him to leave it hurt so much more. i just want my marriage back and my life to be normal again. am i truly that stupid to not have known?

gutfeeling posted 1/9/2014 18:59 PM

You are not stupid.

Perhaps it hurts more this time because you are beginning to see the end of the relationship? I don't know.

You want the marriage you *thought* you had back. Do you really want the marriage you *actually* had? With a WS who lies to you and doesn't respect you?

Is he remorseful?

RealityStinks posted 1/9/2014 19:38 PM

what do i do? this time when i asked him to leave it hurt so much more.

You give it time. I haven't been married as long as you, but I can promise you from my own experience that time will make it better. I felt the exact same way you are feeling now only a few short weeks ago. It still hurts, but it's not as bad.

am i truly that stupid to not have known?

You trusted you H. The one person on the planet that you were supposed to be able to trust with your life. That doesn't make you stupid. It makes him an ass.

Do you really want the marriage you *actually* had? With a WS who lies to you and doesn't respect you?

If you are anything like me, you'll grapple with this one for awhile. I want the marriage I had when we were laughing, talking, and having fun together. But, that ended a long time ago and there is now a lot of baggage that both of us would have to carry if she ever comes back around. The marriage I knew around this time last year is gone. Gently, the marriage you knew is gone too.

i just want my marriage back and my life to be normal again

Again gently, you can never have that marriage back. It's gone, but it still exists too. Your WH just rewrote the last few chapters, and he never bothered to ask you, the co-author, for input about the new character in your story. That's one of the evils about A's. They are part of your life story, the story you are supposed to write, but you have absolutely zero say about it.

Your new normal is being married to a H that cheated. Mine to a W that cheated. The question you have to answer (me too) is this: Do you want that to be your normal or not?

I know it hurts, and I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. But hang in there.

Howie posted 1/9/2014 19:58 PM

I felt so stupid. I hated mysel for that alone. An idiot. Weren't there clues I should have out together? Yes but..love isn't like, doesn't work that way. Love is the gift of trust.If she says she is late working, I'd be viscous, not stupid, not to credit her. And I did.
You feel terrible.Yes,and you will for some time.If you are the victim of a violent crime, you are going to hurt from the wound.Be nice it if didn't happen but it did.
This is a very complex time for you, has to be. Can the marriage be saved? Do you want it to? Does he- at the price of reformation and just guilt. Can he be trusted? Does he recognize his horrible responsibility in hurting you?. Are there real,good things about your marriage to rebuild upon? These are huge questions that don't answer fast. But they need an answer.Meanwhile Breath deep, do what you need to do to stay healthy and sane.
You are not alone. Your pain is yours but the type of pain is chronicled all over this website.
Everyday for six months I wanted to die. The agony was unrelenting.But time gave a gift -my life was still there, waiting for me, bigger than my hurt and far bigger than my wife's treason. And this is true for you too. Courage! and best wishes

byefornow posted 1/10/2014 04:53 AM

yes, he is remorseful. he was throughout the holidays. and he has no contact with the other woman, AND, yes, her husband knows, too.

Our only setback has been the additional information that I became aware of after New Years. He should have just told me himself - and he didn't.

thanks realitystinks. you said some very thoughtful things including the part about the book. We either have written the last chapter or there might be a sequel - but it won't be the same one. That makes me cry.

I am lost. I tried to find a counselor after the first time he left and it was not a good match. I will try to find another one.

Affair wasn't even in my vocabulary until October of this year. I just don't understand how I could have been so stupid. I have learned so much in the past few months.

I hope time can help. I just wish for now it would move a little quicker

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/10/2014 07:47 AM

And you'll continue finding out little gems of information for probably a time to come.

Believe it or not, I've been divorced from my first husband for 25 years now because he was a serial cheating skirt-chaser, and I STILL randomly hear about his escapades from when I was married to him. Crazy, I know.

Unfortunately, some things take years and years to come out, and some things NEVER do.

The clear majority of cheaters will only admit to what they absolutely have to. Unless you have rock-solid proof you're holding right in front of their face, most will continue lying and taking it to the grave with them.

crazynot posted 1/10/2014 09:44 AM

Just know something. This may well be the worst time in your whole life. I think it was in mine. But you can heal. Believe that. The fact that the affair is over and that he is remorseful gives you greater options. And I truly believe you have done the right thing in telling him to get out. Whatever comes next, you need peace and a calm safe place to gather your strength. I hope you have good friends and family nearby, I really do. My mother, who sadly passed away last year, was my rock in getting through the first awful year after d-day. And my neighbour and good friend was there for me 24/7. Lean on your kids too... they will be there for you and it will not harm them to step up. My son was 14 and my daughter 18 when their dad left (to be with 'the woman he loved' and still does). It was a terrible, terrible experience but they did not allow it to divert them from the fabulous young people they are and also it made them more determined than ever to succeed.

Your marriage may survive this... if you want it to and he can turn his head around and see what's necessary. Or it may not. But YOU can survive and thrive. It doesn't seem like it now but it's true.

I send you all best wishes and please continue posting here, it is a wonderful community of friends who have been through every single permutation of this terrible experience.

scarednbroken posted 1/10/2014 18:23 PM

I think WS are very good at lying, and subversive activities. I've been married to mine 20 years. He's been cheating 19 (that I know of). This past year has been the worst. I think if you aren't looking for infedelity you won't find it. I'm the surface my WH is the epitome of an attentive faithful husband. No one would believe the activities he is up to. He jokes about it in front of our friends, But then he cuddles and coddles me so they think it's not for real. I've never shared with anyone the number of times I have had to confront him about his behavior. He ALWAYS seemed remorseful - apologizing, crying, begging forgiveness, saying he can't live without me. Then after a while - old habits. When (if) it ever gets out - no one will believe it without the hard core proof. So it's not hard to be fooled, duped. I found out and chose to hide it - trying to repair and get the "marriage I thought I deserved" from him. It has taken me a very long time to realize that I was fixing something irreparable.

If he won't or can't change, you are in for a battle and worse heartbreak.

Good luck in your journey. I hope your WS can make the shift to the right side.

Skan posted 1/11/2014 11:33 AM

I just don't understand how I could have been so stupid.

YOU were not stupid! You weren't. You are supposed to trust your spouse. That's one of the reasons that you got married. So there would be someone there who had your back completely. Who you could trust. Who would honor you.

Your WH is the one that was stupid. A complete ass. 32 years of knowing each other, 28 years of a marriage that produced loved children, and for an occasional screw for 2 years with a skank, he threw it all away. That's the actions of a stupid, shortsighted, ass.

If you have not already, please read The Healing Library which is located in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Keep looking for a councilor. You may have to see a couple before you find one that you feel comfortable with. Take a look at the first couple of pages here on the JFO forum and look for posts with bulls-eyes next to them. They are also good articles read the first pages of each. Your WH needs to earn the right to come back to you. At a minimum, for me, that would be a complete timeline describing his affair and every detail of it. A commitment to complete honesty. Since you believe that he's remorseful vice regretful, going to a MC (marriage councilor) as well.

Keep coming back for support and to vent. We're here for you.