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Getting past that he fell in love with AP?

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2boys11 posted 1/9/2014 21:41 PM

My FWH had a six month PA. We are 3 months out of D-Day. We've been in MC, IC and working through it all. It's been a roller coaster to say the least. We are trying to reconcile. FWH says he absolutely wants to stay together but it's up to me.

The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.

I can't wrap my head around being with someone who loves me but also her. Obviously there is NC, it's over etc. but just knowing that love was once there so's really throwing me for a loop.

I feel like it takes something away from our relationship if he just loved someone else.

Anyone else know where I am coming from? Thanks for your help....

AndreaL posted 1/9/2014 21:42 PM

I second this....can someone please elaborate on this? My husband was or thought he was in love with OW. He even told her he loved her.

naivewife posted 1/9/2014 21:49 PM

Oh yes, sadly I can relate. I'm sure I posted this exact thing in the earlier days. It's pure hell. But I can tell you that most likely this "love" is going to seem more and more like a joke (a sick one) to your WH the further out of the fog he gets. Six months and in fantasyland is meaningless bullsh*t. Like a trip to Disneyland and trying to figure out how you can stay there forever, move into the enchanted castle, ride the rides all day long and party all night. You know? It's pure ridiculousness and that will smack your WH in the forehead in the months to come. I love you, I don't know who the eff you are, I don't have to live in the real world with you, but I love you you magical fairy princess.
WH's magical fairy princess turned out to be a rather mentally ill sociopath who in hindsight, resembles a caveman.

AndreaL posted 1/9/2014 21:53 PM

Naive wife, you make some excellent points. I'm sure he didn't really love the OW, but the fact that he thought or told her that sickens me. Like did you still love me? I hate my husband for being such an idiot and throwing me and his kids away like garbage.

iwillNOT posted 1/9/2014 23:00 PM

I absolutely know where you are coming from. At 5 months out this tears me up inside. I can't wrap my brain around it. I feel like he gave away the most important core of us, sullied it completely. If he " loved" her, at the same time he loved me, then how real were his feelings for me in the first place?

Clearly they were never what I thought they were, anyway.

womaninflux posted 1/9/2014 23:06 PM

How hard is it to fall "in love" with someone when the party manners are still on for both people?

As my friend pointed out, "It's not hard to be charming 8 hours a week."

It IS, however, hard to be charming while dealing with a spouse whose head is up their ass, who is tuned out, who is serving their own needs and doesn't seem to care how you are doing but expects you to kiss their ass and may criticize your every move because their conscience is riddled with guilt.

steadfast1973 posted 1/10/2014 06:17 AM

He's not in love with the OW. My WH thought he lurved his EAP. Oh, his secret profiles exclaimed it. He posted a song on her FB wall, thinking I wouldn't see it... he quickly realized the fantasy of it all after dday, though.

MJane posted 1/10/2014 06:35 AM

I could have written these posts - posted the other day about how hard i find it to hear "I love you" from H having read long mails of love to OW. It is so true that they are in love with the excitement and who they have projected this woman to be. The woman (in my case) that made herself available at a moment's notice for sex over lunch and that spent the most time with my H (some days) when I was away for work or, ironically, at my inlaws....She has shown her true stalker colours in the last weeks and I look at him with clear disgust and say "and this is what you threw our family and M away for?" does make me wonder if what we have is worth fighting for given it was ignored so lightly and what does that say about my value? He now says how much he wants us to grow old together - really? I heard that before you put a ring on my finger and it meant didly squat to you....

bionicgal posted 1/10/2014 06:48 AM

Give it time. . . I know it hurts. He is still a little foggy, sounds like. My H thought he loved AP, and lamented the last time they talked that it would be "the last time he could tell her he loved her." (When he told me that, I admit I threw a cup of Starbucks cappuccino at him.)

Anyway, have him do some reading and MC should help. If you google love vs infatuation, there is a handy chart that comes up that paints it all pretty clearly. My husband is now horrified and saddened that he ever thought or said such things, but he really thought it at the time. So, hang in there.

Here is the link:

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

sudra posted 1/10/2014 06:57 AM

They don't really love their APs. They just think they do. And the affair high makes it seem like such a perfect love, better than any other.

My husband was so in lurve with his AP, they became engaged. Planned their lives together. Talked about where they would live and what their lives would be like. Those talks didn't include anything practical like who would pay the bills, what would happen to their children and ex-spouses, etc.

And I didn't get any of the, "I still loved you, too." My husband totally admits he couldn't wait to get away from me. He told me he hoped I was cheating, too, so I would just divorce him without any angst.

Now, he cannot believe he fell for this woman. It is clear she is a shallow home-wrecker. She left her first husband due to an affair with her second husband. She gave my husband (and I) an STD. She signed up for a dating service while "engaged" to my husband, and encouraged him to as well, so that they would be seen dating other before they got together and no one would know they had an affair.

He said once he considered the possibility that she had cheated before, a lot of things fell into place that she said and did. Like insisting he bring condoms to their first "meeting," telling him that they "had to be safe."

Of course, during the affair, he was no better.

If I really want to humiliate my husband (and I don't, anymore), I refer to her as "your ex-fiancé."

Your spouse, if the fog lifts, will see the affair for what it was. A sleezy affair. Nothing more or less. And once that happens, they do feel pretty darned bad.

[This message edited by sudra at 6:58 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

33years posted 1/10/2014 07:10 AM

Amen and amen! Good comments all!

FracturedSoul posted 1/10/2014 07:42 AM

My fwh was so intoxicated by his 'love' for OW4 that he not only told her that he loves her, but also impregnated her!

She wanted children, but not with her partner with whom she had a 10yr relationship. So he gave her 'the present'...that she aborted within 4 days of DDay.

I told him she was trying to trap him into a more permanent 'arrangement'...he could only see it after I retold him what he disclosed in the third person...only then did the fog begin to lift.

Does that sound like love? Because if that is love I'm not intetested. It is infatuation. Nothing more.

wert posted 1/10/2014 08:01 AM

The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.

I call bullshit. Define love for yourself. Read about it. What is 'in love?' What is 'love?' Explore it for yourself. Define it for yourself. Challenge your H to do that on his own. Then talk about it. Get into MC if you need a mediator. We did.

I simply don't believe "love" as most people talk about it exists or if it does it is fleeting and not worth much. In fact, I fall 'in love' often just walking down the street. Little tingles.

For me - Love is a choice and dedicated practice I choose to engage in. How unromantic is that? Fuck romance, if you want it go have an A. If you want something that will last, choose to do it.

take care...

myeverafter posted 1/10/2014 08:19 AM

(Sorry, I went on a tangent here.)

I am having a hard time with this one. He had known M&COW for 10 years. And in the last 3 or 4 years the families have been getting closer and closer together. (I considered her my best friend and vice verse for her husband and WH.) The EA started January 2011 (or at least the walks they took together). But the physical stuff didn't start until Nov 2013. Because they loved each other...

He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer. Based on what MOW's BS said, MOW had saved numerous pictures and emails printed out. I also don't think she ever deleted the emails between them.

And I guess I just "know" her intentions or either it was just guilt... Just on the way she behaved with my kids, if that makes sense. In her sick mind, I am wondering if she planned have my husband that then that would leave me with her husband...

But I have been asking him what was his justifications for having the affair. And he still doesn't know. But I have a feeling it was the "love" part. His IC moved, so I do think we need to find a new one for him. I also need to start going to one besides MC.

But deep down, I do think he loved her and she loved him. I still think he let her see his true self which I have never had. I guess it is the definition of "love" that then gets me... Or maybe that is the only way I see to "justify" the whole thing...

wert posted 1/10/2014 08:24 AM

He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer.

That does not sound like any love I believe in or want to be involved with. More importantly, I don't want my partner to view it that way either. I think a common definition of love is important to R.

take care....

2married2quit posted 1/10/2014 08:30 AM

Welcome to the club. The club we all hate to be in. My FWW did the same. She never admitted to being "in love" but she had strong feelings for him and went through months of hurt because she "missed him". REALLY? That's the shit that hurts the MOST!

Honestly, your husband is still in the fog. He'll be out of it and realize what an ass he made of himself. My FWW can't believe she did and said the things she did at this point. But she was in love with a fantasy. Not a person. In their heads the AP is perfect. We all love perfection when it makes us happy.

Offhispedestal posted 1/10/2014 09:05 AM

Whatever love my H felt or the fantasy land love feelings he felt....will always bother me the most. Through R he has gone from saying " I fell for the illusion " I had feelings for her, I was tricked, I can't help how feel, I was a complete idiot and that was not love but it took me NC to open my eyes.
I have no doubt that my H had an some kind emotional attachment but love it was NOT. Today if her name comes up, he has an immediate feeling of shame,disgust for himself that he took things so far. I will never wrap my head around that. You just don't have the same feelings for 2 people. It was obvious during the A.

lovedmesomehim posted 1/10/2014 09:06 AM

This is a very sad thread. Just sad.

I think my husband loved himself. That's just the plain truth of it. He didn't love himself either in the most healthy way, but in the most base and smug fashion.

I have lived in matrimony with this man longer than I lived in my parents' home. He is all that I have known in the carnal sense.

When I think of how he looped his tongue to the roof of his mouth to say the word "LOVE", I get ticked off all over again.

I imagine him cooing the words, "I love you" to the OW and I want to snatch out those last few patches of hair tufts that are stuck in his ears.

If I am blessed, I will live another 10-20 years with this ex-cheater. Yes, he is a reformed man and is deeply remorseful and I appreciate all of that. I do. I still don't understand the mind of this guy though. I don't.

He came home each and every day for dinner, after kissing me hello. Flowers every week...a kiss good-night for over half of my life...pallbearer for both of my parents...Lamaze classes for both babies...Just a lifetime of shared experiences folks.

And he LOVED this OW?????????? Just like that???

I'm not buying it for myself, him, or the rest of us. I think the analogy to Disneyland used by the other poster is so accurate, but where was MY REAL Prince Charming?

Forgive me for my cynicism. This is the beginning of my trigger season and I am usually here at SI. I am still just trying to work it out.

The bottom line is that there is no love involved in affairs, but there is plenty of heartache and destruction.

[This message edited by lovedmesomehim at 9:08 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 1/10/2014 09:23 AM

Yeah, my H was head over heals. She was perfect. She was smart enough not to make any demands on him. They had no bills together, although she did get him to pay one of her medical bills. They planned their life together and the details sound like two teenagers trying to break free of their parents. She was planning her wedding and got brave enough to bring my H into her fantasy. She listened to all of his stories about his life because it was the first time she had heard it. I lived it with him so there was nothing new and fresh he could tell me about himself.

She made him feel young and free again. She is 20 years younger and try as I can, I cannot make myself or my H younger. She never had to take care of him after a devastating wreck, take out the poop diapers, sit up all night with an ill baby, get thrown up on, view his mother's body in the ER after a car wreck, sit with him in silence while he grieved, bail water in a flooded basement, talk his son or daughter through their first heart break, and she did not get to share the thrill of a grandchild just minutes old. He and I shared LIFE. They shared a tawdry, dirty secret they had to keep hidden.

My H told me the OW was the love of his life and his soulmate. I cannot ever unhear that and it stings. She did not work so she was available 24/7 and was up for anything, all day and all night. They were not in love. They were in lust. She made him feel like he was perfect in every way, including the bedroom.

It only took a few weeks away from her for him to see the foolishness he had been living. He was appalled at his actions and words to me. It still hurts to hear in my head and I have to tell myself it was not true. His attraction to her was a drug that filled his mind with a singular lustful pursuit. Sometimes I wish the parallel universe would open so he could see how bad life would have been had they gone on toward their lives together. It would have been a train wreck.

Give it time. I bet your H feels differently now. Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to process this with you.

eachdayisvictory posted 1/10/2014 09:42 AM

I struggle with this all the time. I have come to my personal belief that their love was not real or threatening, but do I need my H to believe that too?

So far, yes is the answer.

The worst thing my H said during MC was when he was trying to explain his process shortly after dday and he said to the MC that I "didn't know what heartbreak really felt like, because I had never experienced it." He meant this in reference to his heartbreak over losing the OW. I almost threw up in the office. How could he say such a thing to the most heartbroken person he had undoubtedly ever laid eyes on - me.

It really makes me worried that he's too stupid for me. Genuinely. Who would be stupid enough to say something like that?

Well, when I look at infatuation vs. love (like the chart we were directed to in this thread), it helps a lot.

It helps me to view what they had as an addiction, and NOW my H can relate it exactly the same way. It still hurts, because the addiction is to another woman, but I try to think of it as the chemical brain process. This helps me because I can relate a little. There are times at night when the only way I can fall asleep is to fantasize about a fictional man who is all the things I wish my H had been, who rescues me, passionately cares about me and takes care of me. I know it's not a real healthy thing and it's not what I want in real life at all. Yet, it still helps me, it's like getting a little fix of 'easy' or something.

APs are nothing. Remember that this is all the issue of the WS. And, at 11 months out, we have survived that unbelievable pain and deafening scream of our spouses having 'loved' someone else.

Also, just FYI, in the early months, during PMS each month, I felt sure that his professed 'love' for the OW was more than I could ever handle and that I would have to file for D immediately. Just want you to know that it's normal to feel like that. I chose to 'not divorce' for a year in order to give time to feelings, and I am very grateful that I made that decision now.

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