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Getting past that he fell in love with AP?

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fromaztowa posted 1/10/2014 10:18 AM

My DH was always what I call a "Serial monogamist". If he's kissing/sleeping with someone, he loves them. He tells women he loves them after 4 dates.

He did that with me when we started dating, and I told him he was confusing two different emotions.

I waited 6 months before I said anything like that...and he's only the 2nd guy I've ever said it to (out of many, many dudes).

However, I know that "Falling in Love" was freely expressed in his relationship with OW, because they had know each other since they were two. They were definitely on a marriage path, as far as both of their families were concerned.

Too bad he wanted to marry me instead.

I don't put any value or weight into the idea that he really "loved" her, because I know he didn't. You don't "love" people quite that quickly.

[This message edited by fromaztowa at 10:20 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

marionwendy posted 1/10/2014 10:54 AM

I can only base my answer on what my WH says.... The OW was a fantasy land and I was Reality! He said when all the BS ended he realized he wanted the reality not the fantasy. (he said ..how can you love someone you don't really know)? IDIOT

Offhispedestal posted 1/10/2014 10:57 AM

Lovedyoumore: your comment is exactly what it is!

" His attraction to her was a drug that filled his mind with a singular lustful pursuit"

This is EXACTLY how my H acted. She did not live in the "real world" with him. With her, my H did not have worries of late bills, mortgage problems, yard work. She tried to cater to his every single need. She Would hug and comfort him when he cried over the mess created in his M. Seriously who does that??? OW , that's who. Not because they love so much but it's manipulation that the AP don't see. He saw she cared so much that she would even tell him to try to work things out with me and if it didn't work the she'd be waiting for him.
How sweet right? MOW knew so many details of my life that she tried to do all the things I did for him. And whatever he disliked, she would say she disliked also.
It's just insane people don't see through all that bullshit!

Razor posted 1/10/2014 11:01 AM

WW LTA was 8 years EA PLUS a 3 year EA & PA.

They loved each others. Ive seen their emails. I read things she wrote to him that she has never said to me.

Was it true love or a fiction? A BS will never know the answer to that.

It could be that the love they felt was manufactured and used as a justification to keep their LTA going. *I must be in love with OP. Otherwise why would I destroy my M?*

I cant tell you HOW you get over it. I can only say that you do and you will.

sisoon posted 1/10/2014 11:02 AM

I haven't read through the whole thread,and I hope the following isn't a repeat:

I suggest doing some 'net searching and reading on 'limerence' (sometimes 'limerance'). I think that explains the phenomenon.

If I really want to humiliate my husband (and I don't, anymore), I refer to her as "your ex-fiancé."

Oh, boy! I LOVE that! My W reports she bought ow a 'sort of engagement ring', because same-sex couple couldn't M in our state at the time, and she wasn't going to leave me. She has no answer to my question, 'How can you get engaged to one person when you were M to another?'

R is going very well, nevertheless. In some important ways, they're just different people when they're cheating....

JustDesserts posted 1/10/2014 11:14 AM

WH here. Hook line and sinker guilty of Love, lurrvv, and the extra special level of caused pain, confusion, disbelief, and profound sadness that my BW, and all of you on this thread felt and feel.

I'd like to say your words, as an aggregate, very successfully parse and explain this deep form of delusion and deception. All of your questions and responses are right on track and obviously borne of experience and knowledge.

I have no valid excuses. I certainly WAS the man you all describe, and my delusions and addiction were profoundly deep.

You have my apologies on behalf of all "love/lurrvv infected" Waywards. And my wife has my amazed thanks she has chosen to forgive me and believe in me and us again. The guts and grace she shows to take that risk reminds me every day just what TRUE and REAL love is.

You're a gutsy group. Thank you for this thread.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 11:50 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 1/10/2014 12:18 PM

JustDesserts: Something has been building up in me all day, and just exploded out of me in a fit of tears as I read your post.

You have no idea how affecting it is to hear from a reformed WS, and even more so to read about support for BSs that aren't even their problem!

Just, thanks.

LA44 posted 1/10/2014 12:23 PM

slight t/j

The guts and grace she shows to take that risk reminds me every day just what TRUE and REAL love is.

You're a gutsy group. Thank you for this thread

JD, your wife is an incredible woman and you are a stand-up man to post this.

sudra posted 1/10/2014 12:25 PM

Thanks for posting, JustDesserts. Brave dude! Not just for posting in this thread but for doing the work to change and helping others as they find this site.

Once we've been here for a time, we BSs are able to say these things. The problem is, it takes so much longer to feel them.

Yea, my husband was an idiot for thinking he loved the OW. But he did it to ME. For seven months, he did not once tell me he loved me, did not have sex with me one time. For seven months, he told her every day, multiple times a day that he loved her.

Knowing it wasn't real still doesn't take away the "sting" if you will, although that is a HUGE understatement of how it feels.

[This message edited by sudra at 10:01 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

whereismylove posted 1/10/2014 12:38 PM

This is what did it for me. I read texts of their love professions and he told me begrudgingly. I hung on thru the pain and the images in my head, and his assurances that it was over. Well it wasn't and my heart continued to break while I went crazy. I talked to a friend of his who told me that it was her that was keeping him on a string, that he was bothered that she wasn't calling, etc. So I knew that once again he was lying about NC, but also that he thought of her and missed her. She was moving out of area soon and I did not want to watch as he was sad or be his back up or 2nd choice. Its so much more devastating when they love them. I told him that the love i have for him won't allow for him to love another. I hope one day he comes out of the fog..it will be nice to hear,but too late.

bionicgal posted 1/10/2014 13:37 PM

Regarding the "heartbroken" comment, (I am so sorry he said it!), it is really more like detox. My H thought he was losing something very special by ending the A with the OW at first. Our MC told him to think about his feelings of missing her as missing how he felt when he was with her, rather than missing her. That ended the missing really fast -- it was an illusion. H came to realize that even though we had been friends with them for years, that he didn't really know her at all on any real level. It has taken months of real work and honesty with himself for my H to see the A for what it was. They are delusional in the affair - no doubt.

Look, the divorce rate for APs who marry is, like, 90%. Your H's "love" was not special, and two years is the amount of time these things last, on average. Then, reality starts to set in, usually. I don't know how yours ended, but if she is the type of woman who will sleep with a married man, she's not all that and a box of crackers. He knows this on some level; her attention just filled some kind of void in him that he needs to address.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:40 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

AndreaL posted 1/10/2014 13:44 PM

JustDesserts, thanks so much for posting. You really knocked some sense into me. Once again, thanks :)

LA44 posted 1/10/2014 13:50 PM

Our MC told him to think about his feelings of missing her as missing how he felt when he was with her, rather than missing her

This is it exactly, bionicgirl. They loved how they felt. Our MC told us that people fall in/out of love (within the same relationship) on ave., every three years.

I asked my H this that first night:
Do you love her?
No.
Did you TELL her you loved her?
Yes.

Why on earth would you tell her that?
Because she kept saying it and at some point, I
just said it back.

I now know it was how he felt when he was with her. It wasn't reality-based by any means.

JustDesserts posted 1/10/2014 14:47 PM

I appreciate the thanks. If I think I can help BS's by sharing my "WS perspective", I try to. It makes me feel good, too. And is part of me becoming a better, more authentic me.

It's interesting how many BS's mention learning of their spouse's infidelity and thinking "Who is this person I'm married to???". My WS version of this is seeing my BW after what she learned about me, and our marriage, and thinking, in wonder, "Who is incredible woman I'm married to?". Seeing depth and caring and love that was there all along...and which I chose to ignore, or was just too plain stupid, to see. And doing it under fire, with mind, body, and heart wounds that were unlike anything she could have ever imagined.

I exploded this bomb in our life, and hiding in my selfish little foxhole...right next to me...believing in me...is true love incarnate. My BW.

I am a very lucky man. I'm imperfect. I struggle. But becoming more authentic just feels so good. She gave me that gift, inspiration, and opportunity by her forgiveness and belief in me. When I say "I love you" today, it is pointed at the beautiful woman who deserves every molecule of love I have to give.

JD

eachdayisvictory posted 1/10/2014 15:37 PM

Stop making me cry JD!!!

MJane posted 1/16/2014 04:40 AM

Lovedyoumore you expressed yourself as if you were in my head - just needed to substitute support during unemployment and depression for car wreck. How do you all get through the anger and hurt? I had to read declarations from H that she was what he waited for for 40 years and how deep his love was while he left a sleep deprived wife nursing the new born. Of course she offered him a fantasy escape - how difficult is it to be accommodating and beautiful when you do it for a two hour lunch-time encounter of sex. What has broken my heart is that his choice of the A was a deliberate turning of his back on our shared history and loyalty to each other - like it meant nothing. He DID promise her he'd leave me but never did - he says now that this was because he never could when it came to it. Am I supposed to be grateful for that? Shouldn't I walk away from someone capable of casting me aside so easily mentally and physically? I sent him the link above on Infatuation V Love - we still haven't discussed what love means in MC bit I fully intend to a t a next one.

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